Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

[Frazzledmum77]

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

I would accept it but not do anything to mitigate it e.g. stepping up the number of visits to go to her. It’s interesting she can go away on holiday flying but l suppose that’s where her priorities lie. Still doesn’t make it feel great though lm guessing

Why doesn’t she have much time for her grandchildren? Is it that they are too energetic for her deal with or something else?

If your DH doesn’t get in with her and perhaps she doesn’t feel welcome, it’s not really surprising she doesn’t want to visit.

Do you reciprocally visit because if she you will still get to see her when you go to her.

She’s made up her mind, OP. She doesn’t think she can cope with the travel (as a person of a similar age I can sympathise ) and it sounds as if she doesn’t much like it when she gets there. You are just going to have to talk on the phone, and maybe meet halfway when you are less tied?

Can you arrange to go with the kids (and with or without DH, depending on work etc) in the summer holidays?

@TruthorDie

Perhaps the air travel is less stressful than the train and tube (;I know which ai would rather do) and it is nicer when she gets there?

We all need to make effort though e.g. driving 6+ hours to my mums house rarely fills me with joy. Doesn’t sound like her mother is a bundle of laughs or the dream guest e.g. “talking at me for hours about whatever she likes”

Can she get to you another way that she might find easier i.e. a bus journey? Or could you maybe meet somewhere half way at a mutually convenient place and time and stay over for a shorter time with or without your DC?

I know a lady in her early eighties who is still driving locally. She also makes a really long journey via public transport to see her son and granddaughters of over six hours and she goes on more than one cruise a year. And another lady my mum the same age who never learned to drive. Her world is much smaller she will take a taxi or a bus or a lift from a family member to see my niece who lives a 10 minute drive away from her. Yet she rarely visits us the same distance away. She maybe visits us 4 times a year for our birthdays and even then she never stays more than an hour. Everyone always had to visit her. Her mum and dad my grandparents were the same everyone always had to visit them. The difference was my grandmother made you feel welcome, she was interested in people and you were always offered a drink or meal or snack my mum never offers anything.

Its hard but if all visiting now has to be on your mums terms for no valid reasons then she should expect to see less of you.

lol definitely not the dream guest! That one made me 🤭

The love is there but not the understanding in either direction. I’m not saying I’m blameless. But it’s not easy at the moment.

I don’t think it’s necessarily nicer overseas - she comes back with a litany of complaints about the people who annoyed her. She knows she has to take the rough with the smooth and she gets on with it in the moment, but it takes its toll.

No I can’t stay with her over the summer with the kids. The house is tiny literally tiny and mum gets stressed about the children poking around or messing with things. My brother and his family live very close by and we usually stay with them because they have the room and the cousins get along so well. But they are having major building works and struggle to host.

Halfway doesn’t really work as she doesn’t drive. Could meet for day trips or overnight in London which I would love but she would fine really stressful due to travel and crowds.

@Frazzledmum77 l get what you mean. My mum is hard work as a guest, l think she thinks she’s at a 5* hotel e.g. she doesn’t like the butter, why does the spare room not have a king size bed in etc. She has also totally forgotten the small children phase of life, it’s like it never happened to her. My mum has an obsession about doing things mid-week then is confused why other people are busy. She has been known to announce she is visiting a city vaguely near us for a few days and say let’s meet up. Then is put out there is no annual leave left (end of the leave year) and children are in childcare (for clarity she wouldn’t care for them on her own, she never changed any of my children’s nappies -hands on she is not!). But then doesn’t want to come in the evening or weekend

I think You need to arrange to visit her with your dc in tow. If dc not welcome Nx she won't visit you then you will see each other less. She probably thinks your dh could have the kids and you visit her. You both sound inflexible. YWNBU to not visit in the week if DC are at school but otherwise there could be some compromise.

@ZenNudist OP probably is inflexible though -not through choice more boxed in by work, school and / or childcare etc. I only have about 10 weekdays a year that are flexible. I’m limited by annual leave from work and covering the days my childminder takes off. So with such limited time then lm reluctant to spent it doing stuff l don’t really want to do. It sounds like OP would have to get an Airbnb or hotel if she was to visit her mum which isn’t cheap. Especially if her mothers house isn’t child friendly then they would need to go out / spend money each day.

How old are your children?

Whose decision was it to live that distance away from one another?

What does that have to do with anything?

Its actually easier flying abroad than navigating trains and tubes while carrying bags/case. I would never expect my mother who is the same age to do that. Its bloody exhausting.

I'm sure it must have been your mum on here in the last month complaining about their adult child not making any effort to visit them with the grandkids. She claimed to be too ill to travel and had never seen her grandkids

My DM (similar age) has, in the past few years, really cut down on the amount of travel she is prepared to do to visit other people. I live about 100 miles away and she used to come and see me every now and again - say once a year. She'd drive and was fine with doing that. But she hasn't been to see me for the past three years. You'd think that roads only go one way - from mine to hers. Her life has just shrunk and she doesn't seem bothered! I find it frustrating and she's quite happy to chat to me for hours - if I go and visit her - but she seemingly has little interest in putting herself out to visit me. So she doesn't see me very much as a consequence, because I'm far too busy to be driving up there all the time!

Can you go and meet her halfway and bring her back with you?

I personally wouldn’t want my 73 year old mum to make a 4 hour trip including a tube journey across London in the middle of summer. And I think it’s crazy that you think this is a reasonable request. You absolutely can’t compare it to flying as all airports now have bus options. You sound just as inflexible as she does!

@Ozanj why not? My mum pops to see me on the train, ok no tube as not London but 2 buses and a train, she also worked out she could travel free by take 3 buses on a different route as they came within the free bus scheme, 4 hours travelling is the cost! Age is not the issue, unless she has health concerns I suspect the issue is personality and their relationship

You might not consider it relevant. Fine. I think it is.

Sounds like she can do the travel no problem if she’s happily travelling to visit others overseas!

I think you're being unfair - airports are much more accessible and supportive than any other form of public transport. I understand that it's hard for you to travel but I don't think your mum is in the wrong here, it's just a difficult situation.

I agree. It is difficult. The OP doesn't seem able to put herself out to travel to her mother due to the logistics and her mother doesn't want to travel because it's stressful and tiring. If a compromise can't be found that's just the way it is.

Why don't you just visit her on a weekend, so the kids' other parent will be taking care of them? Why would have to be mid-week?