Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

[Frazzledmum77]

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

It's not age especially, it's stamina

I went to London yesterday

Very straightforward 2 hour journey each way and I was on my knees when I got home

I loved my MIL dearly, but I also encouraged my DH to go up to visit (needed an overnight stay) by himself occasionally. I realised that because we were a distance away from each other, it meant we always visited (in either direction) for weekends as a couple/family. So she never got her son to herself. And I think that sometimes that must be nice.

I had sympathy for your mother, thinking she found travelling stressful - until you said "But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago."

If she can take a plane, she can take a train, and if she doesn't like the tube she can take a taxi or you could arrange to pick her up from a train station. I find airports stressful, all that waiting about. Trains and train stations are considerably less stressful.

Do you think she's 'punishing' you for having the temerity to 'move away'?

Sometimes elderly GPs are a law unto themselves.

I have been driving to my DPs for about the last 5-6 years, fair enough as it's only an hour and they are now 85 &90. Occasionally I think it would be nice not to have to do the trip, but neither could do the drive so fair enough.

Except the other month they decided to take the train to where I live to sort out some nefarious financial transactions. They didn't think to suggest we meet up whilst they were there, although they stopped for lunch a 20 minute walk from where I work, and looked at me like I had two heads when I suggested they could get the train again and we could pick them up at the station and take them to ours.

At least my DPs are happy to see any combinations of me, DH, DS and rookiedog.

In your case I would keep extending the invitation to your home and come up with some compromise solutions if possible. She may prefer to see you solo, but I wouldn't be pretzeling yourself to make it happen.

My MIL (78 now) would previously have got train from Edinburgh to us (SW London) but has been less mobile in recent years and has never been a fan of the tube and would avoid using it alone. She hadn't been to us for quite some time, but we asked if she would like to come for Christmas, and we'd help manage the journey.

She was a bit uncertain but went for it, and with some adjustments it worked pretty well. She booked ahead and got First Class for not too much extra - that meant she could sit in the lounge and the staff there would make sure she could board early and help get her on board if needed. My husband met her at the station and they got a bus rather than tube (on a route to see some Christmas lights - she wouldn't have done a tube journey up into London with us during the visit), then did taxi to where they could get the train out our direction, and taxi home from there.

For the return journey in the end we drove into Kings Cross, and paid to park nearby (pricey, and a lot of traffic on the drive, but easier logistically). She gave us some money for the parking and having seen her to the First Class lounge, went for lunch before we headed home, which meant we got something out of doing the drive in, and we were also in the area for a bit in case of problems with the train. Family were able to drop and collect her at the Edinburgh end.

Maybe some similar ideas would help make it more manageable for your mum? It's not something MIL would want to do too often, certainly not every few months, but I think she could be persuaded to do it that way again.

We didn’t move back and the ‘punishment for moving away’ continues.

This is a bit petulant. I moved away for uni, jobs, and now I live abroad, and it is obvious to me that I should make most of the effort to go back and visit family and friends. It was entirely my choice, and I am the one who reaps all the benefits. My parents had no choice, don't benefit at all, and two of their three children live abroad. I think it would be pretty poor to sulk if they can't travel to visit.

I'm glad you recognise that. I do find it odd when people who chose to move away for their own positive reasons, sulk when their parents don't do half of the travelling.

You summed up the cost/benefit thing very nicely. The benefit is all the younger people's, and the cost pretty much all their parents', who had no say in the first place

I'm lucky that my kids are only 30/40 minutes away. My late DH and I moved 2.5 hours from my in-laws. It's only now that I'm the parent of adults and GP to little ones, that I recognise what a blow it must have been to my PILs.
They never showed it, apart from one time when my FIL wistfully said how much he'd like to be near enough to us to "just pop in for a cup of tea"

We have this too. My dad lives in the arse end of nowhere with literally no jobs locally for DH and my skill set. And as he sees it we had the cheek to take it upon ourselves to not live in a fucking ditch full of racists and Reform voters.

Have you looked into other public transport options such as coaches or whether she could travel closer to you without going on the tube on the under ground - even if it’s not to your closest station

I organise and pay for a taxi for my mum from Euston to my house so she doesn’t have to face a tube journey on top of a long train journey. She still finds the journey tiring I’m sure but knocking out the tube element makes it feel less over facing. Would this be an option for you?

My parents until the last 3-4 years travelled up and down, out of the country, all over the place. Rarely to us. We used to drive 6 hrs each way every summer and most christmases. One year we went and camped on a clifftop in gales and torrential rain. They did not offer the spare room they had then, nor the camper van parked outside their home. Last year I paid for flights to where they lived, and an AirBnB. My mum rang to tell me not to come at 5am the morning I was due to fly, because ‘it’s too stressful when we don’t see you often, it would be different if you lived nearer’.

So @saraclara and @TheYearOfSmallThings forgive me, I’m not ‘petulant’, I’m fucking sick to the back teeth of being treated like crap, and my DH/kids because we moved away. Not a phone call goes by that some slight is aimed at me, some put down, because ‘you chose to leave us’.

@norfolkbroadd yes! This exactly, Reform/Brexit/Reform fans with a good dollop of conspiracy theories/anti vax backwardness.

I was going to suggest you pick her up (which is what I would do) but you've already ruled that out. You don't sound like you like your mother very much so just leave her to it and hope your children don't treat you with the same disdain.

All these people saying "My parents are mid-80s and travel all over the country" - that's irrelevant. Your parents are not OP's mother. Even if OP's mother is fit as a fiddle she has anxiety about travelling. It's very common for older people to lose confidence. Not all, but many do.
To see my parents I have to get three trains and a tube. I do it because I love them (and won't drive that long distance). I used to badger them to get three trains and a tube to travel to me but now I realise it's just too much.
There's been a terrible decline in the trains in the last year. So many times my train is cancelled and then everyone tries to cram in to another train. Several times I've been standing for over an hour, squashed up against other people, feeling like I can't breathe. I became very panicky last time this happened. Another time I was supposed to get home at 7pm and got home at 3am because of problems with the track. The trains are no longer fit for purpose and there's no way I'd want my elderly parents having to endure such a journey. I can (just about) handle it but I'm 35 years younger.

It depends on what you find stressful though - flying you get to the airport, there's trolleys for your luggage, you check any big luggage in, there's airport assistance if you need it. The tube could involve a lot of carry bags, lifting them up and down, escalators, stairs, maybe having to stand on the tube etc. Sometimes trains are suddenly cancelled or curtailed and you can be dumped at a station or they can be super busy.

But I agree about seeing if there's something particular and simplifying the journey if possible eg getting a taxi or going another route to avoid the tube, or even her having some stuff at yours so there's less to carry.

One year we went and camped on a clifftop in gales and torrential rain. They did not offer the spare room they had then, nor the camper van parked outside their home.

In fairness, your family clearly has a level of dysfunction which is not truly related to where you live.

It's really not a "punishment for moving away" problem. It's just a messed up family relationship problem, which would in no way be resolved by your parents travelling to you.

I personally wouldn’t want my 73 year old mum to make a 4 hour trip including a tube journey across London in the middle of summer. And I think it’s crazy that you think this is a reasonable request.

Gosh 73 is not that old!

My mother is 71, she regularly comes to london for short trips with friends to go to shows or museums etc.

Its a 3 hour train journey with a change & she happily gets the tube etc

My grandfather did this at 80 to visit me!

How many times do people need to be reminded that anecdotal smuggery about what they or their parents can do at advanced age is irrelevant if the OP's mum can't? If someone posted about agoraphobia would it help to see 100 posts about people of the same age who like nothing better than a stroll in the hills?

My dad became unable to travel in his 70s, he was just too anxious.

I just went to stay with him a few times a year, with it without the kids

shy can’t you go and see your mum some time, if she’s not up to travelling to you? Just accept she is anxious but still wants to see you

I would normally agree except the OP’s mum flies, hasn’t even tried the journey and 73 is not that advanced. To me it reads more like the OP’s mum would just find it more convenient for her daughter to visit her - as a bonus without the kids so she can talk at her without OP being distracted by anyone else. OP who is the most able to know what her mum is or isn’t capable of seems to feel unsupported by her mum.

Anxiety and/or lack of confidence is a very real thing as we get older. I mentioned earlier, that in my late 60s I'm still taking solo long haul backpacking trips. But that's not the whole story.
A decade or so I'd feel nothing but excited anticipation before a trip. But for the last few years, those weeks before I set off have me regretting booking the flights, stressing about packing, checking every document twenty times, etc and just generally not looking forward to it. This really wasn't the old me. Nothing other than age can explain it.

Once my feet touch foreign soil I'm fine. But I totally get how people in their 70s can get 'the fear'. I constantly check train platforms and departure boards too, when travelling saying the UK. I don't trust myself in the same way as I used to, and as someone else pointed out, last minute changes to timetables, platforms etc are much more frequent these days. It's more unnerving.

So yes, any of you with parents suddenly less happy about visiting you by public transport (especially with changes) do beat that in mind. They're probably not being difficult. Just more anxious and uncertain, however capable they might be really.

This is how I want to be!

You won’t have the choice. I’m utterly pissed off with the restrictions my body places on me but I just have to put up with it. I can completely see how she can deal with a direct flight but find two trains and crossing London by tube carrying luggage too much.

Yes, I get that. So why are people comparing her (the OP's mum) to other people of the same age, as though that's the only thing that matters?

Maybe she would find it more convenient - let's be honest, it is more convenient to have people come to you - and yes, the OP is the only one here who knows how likely that is to underlie her mum's refusal to visit, but stories about people's octogenarian parents and what they can do don't bring anyone any closer to knowing, and could well make people with limited mobility or other issues that stop them travelling feel rubbish.

Maybe the mum is unsupportive, and maybe she's just scared of public transport. It would be a shame if the OP's relationship with her mum got worse because she is being compared unfavourably with other people's parents, or with posters who are confident on buses and tubes at the same age.

All things being equal, it would be good if the OP and her mum could meet halfway, and both have a say about whether they are alone or with others, but all things are not equal. The OP has a husband and children, and the mum doesn't like, or is not able to travel, for whatever reason, so they need to work something out that takes those things into account.

It would be a shame if the OP's relationship with her mum got worse because she is being compared unfavourably with other people's parents, or with posters who are confident on buses and tubes at the same age.

Exactly.

Some people are jumping to a conclusion that this woman is being difficult and selfish, just because their parent/aunty/next door neighbour does all this stuff without blinking. They're encouraging OP to think that way, and that's not fair.

It's not just the travel though is it. It's the transporting all of the luggage around on these journeys too, not to mention time pressures. It's not like the tube will stop because you're struggling with your luggage. Connecting train journeys sound a lot more stressful than a flight.

Thing is, not getting on public transport isn’t always about physical or mental capability or anxiety (which I have sympathy with). Lots of perfectly able and capable people just don’t want to consider it as an option because the car or other people driving them or to them is just more appealing.

The OP indicates her mum is one of those people, but of course that may well not be the case and perhaps there are bigger issues she does not want to admit to.