Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

[Frazzledmum77]

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

Same here - in fact the truth is my mother would not be able for it. It is great that so many people's octogenarian parents can drive any distance or navigate public transport systems but the reality is that it gets to much for many in their seventies.

That doesn't mean the OP must always be available to do the travel, but I think she should really listen when her mother says she can't do it.

This.My mum was still travelling long haul in her latest 70s but no way would she have coped with train travel involving tube .

My dad is the same age and he's not great at managing the tube alone, certainly not with an overnight bag as he uses a stick or roller.

I assume she doesn't drive? And you don't?

My similar age MIL has become a lot more reclusive and reluctant to travel since the pandemic. If she comes to stay now, H goes and collects her, which becomes a 5 hour round trip for him, but is easier for her.

I'm 68, and I used to love train travel.

The last few times I've travelled by train, I've found getting off them really quite daunting. It's a big step down and often with a gap, and my arthritic knees aren't as bendy as they used to be. I always worry that a knee will give way and send me flying!

I suppose if you don't live in London the tube may seem very frightening and difficult. I am in my early 60s and my husband is in his late 60s. We live in London and go out and about using public transport all the time and have no difficulty with it. I make a complicated all day journey 400 miles north to see my widowed Mum every other month - local train, tube, long-distance train, local train, ferry - managing luggage, changes, all sorts of delays and cancellations and so on, no problem at all. Unless my health and fitness deteriorate very quickly in the next few years I would expect to be able to do this for a long time to come. My parents managed the reverse journey to come and see us (not very often, to be fair, but that was their choice) until they were in their 80s. The idea of struggling with a far shorter, simpler journey at 73 seems odd to me unless the OP's mother has health problems. 73 is no age these days.

Agree.

I'm a similar age. Trains are no problem but my days of getting across London on the tube, with luggage, are sadly over. Have a look and see if there is a bus or coach that would cut out the tube. Airports are much easier than the tube

Reading between the lines, your mum won't do the journey because she doesn't feel the end result is worth it. For whatever reason, she doesn't enjoy spending time with your DH or her grandchildren and would prefer it to be just you. As this is, understandably, not an option for your family, has the time come to introduce her to Skype/Facetime and then you can both behave as though you live in different countries?

I agree with you we have family member that moved 5 hours away and moans about the journey but expects us to visit frequently if we don’t ’we never see you’

My dad's started up with this recently, he's the same age as your mum. He doesn't like Traffic. I use the capital t because it's very very large in his mind. For example he refuses to come for any sort of public holiday because of Traffic. But also school holidays. So that's 13 weeks of the year that are out. Which happen to be the only weeks we are free to see him.

He doesn't do long distance driving any more, he says. But he is driving to Cornwall in two weeks to go on holiday, without stopping.

We have a severely disabled child and cannot travel to him, if we could we absolutely would. It saddens me that he's made his world so tiny and he's clearly bored shitless every single day but he's this bed for himself and i have to leave him to it.

I should add, Cornwall is more than twice as far from his house as we are.

For what it's worth you can now book passenger assistance on trains. There is an app that you can do it on.

They are happy to assist anyone that needs t - elderly, disabled etc.

I'm disabled and my mum is elderly. We both use airport assistance. I recently travelled from Cambridge to Newcastle and the assistance was excellent.

My mum is a bit reluctant about the trains because honestly they can be very difficult to navigate as a disabled or elderly person if you don't have assistance. I've had situations where I've had to ask other passengers to help me move luggage/get my wheelchair over the gap.

But the pre-booked assistance does seem to be good. Maybe your mum would consider using that?

I think there is balance to be had in these situations.

I'm biased as I moved 350 miles to Scotland and settled up here 9 years ago. Since that time my parents have travelled twice to visit. No other family, including very capable sibling etc have visited whereas I travelled down maybe 5 or 6 times a year.

I've started to put in the "I'm not travelling line" as I'm almost 9 months pregnant, juggling house renovations and full time job (until mat leave started last week) And frankly became fed up of how one sided it is. If people want to meet baby they can do the travelling for a change.

I fully accept that I was the one that moved away, however I'm not going to be punished for moving to a city where there is work, affordable housing and opportunities I couldn't have accessed where I grew up. There comes a point where it cannot always fall to the person who moved if the people who stayed would like to continue the relationship.

Sorry for the rant - I don't for a second believe that this is what's happened in your scenario, I am just touchy about this subject! 😁

Thanks for all the feedback, really interesting variety of views. Will work on the compromise options and try to be nicer to my mother (but I’m never going to be nice enough to make an 8 hour round trip by car for someone in their early seventies with no health issues). Yes I do drive, I don’t like it much and would much rather be on a train or a tube. Hopefully I’ll still feel that way in 20 years time. No, I don’t think it’s relevant whose decision it was to live in different cities, but FWIW, it was my/DH’s decision 20 years ago, for work. Back when my mum was my age. She had a hard time with it then, I guess this is partly the legacy of that.

Would she come on the train to a station just outside London so she doesn't need to navigate the tube and you pick her up?
She can book and reserve a seat and passenger assistance before hand?
If she won't consider that then I'm sorry, she doesn't consider it worthwhile.

I really hope they make the effort once your LO is born! Sounds like you’ve done more than your fair share.

My mum's a similar age and my dad is older. I don't expect them to travel to me anymore. It's too much and I worry about them.
Can't you visit your mum another time? Obviously mid-week doesn't work but one weekend and the children's dad looks after them (assuming he's on the scene)? I visit my parents once every 2 months and my DH looks after the kids at home.
Once or twice a year we all go but stay in an Airbnb or caravan nearby.
There's no way I wouldn't bother seeing my parents and I wouldn't expect them to travel in old age if it's a struggle.

No problem I get it😀Ours just moved to get away from people and get the big house as is loaded and can work anywhere. Also fit and very able. for the first few years we did all the visits but when they finally did come home they moan about the journey and suggest it’s too much for them. even though they made mil (age75) do it every 6 weeks I just think that’s a bit rich.

Plus pregnancy there’s no way I’d do that travel and then not fair on baby. Our teen hates the journey too which doesn’t help

MIL was like this - would happily get on a coach tour round Italy but not one down the M4. We tried meeting her so she just had to get one direct train or coach, we tried collecting her in the car. Basically she didn't really want to come. And she was not a great host, even going for a day we'd have to bring all food and she'd want us to sit in one room all day until we drove back which just wasn't going to happen. DH ended up just taking one or two kids up for the day, or going by himself.

Have you asked your mum why she is unwilling to make the journey? Is it that perhaps she doesn’t like the tube? (I can understand why that might be a problem for someone not used to it.) Is there any way she could avoid that? Is there some halfway place you could meet for lunch and a chat, so neither of you have to stay overnight? I think you need to find some compromise so that you can see each other without either of you feeling hard done by.

I wouldn't expect my 73 year old mother to do that.

As you have moved away, surely you and your husband expected to do the travelling as your parents got older.
Having children is no excuse really.

My parents moved to London when they were 60. They are now 80 and regularly get the tube into central London or take it to Heathrow to fly. I think it is about mental attitude as much as physical health.

Where does the tube fit into this journey? Could she get a direct train and then you meet her in London so she is not doing that bit alone? Would that make it more manageable? Or if she lives in London would anyone chum her on the tube to the train?

You should be taking turns. It’s not fair if it’s always one party doing the traveling (unless that party prefers it)