Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

[Frazzledmum77]

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

I think you're underestimating the impact of age tbh. Even if someone is healthy it gets harder to do stuff and more tiring.

You might kick yourself for not appreciating that when you get to that age yourself

My DM lives 1.5hr away, slightly older but very fit and healthy, does lots of walking. Visited a sibling on a long distance flight 2 years ago but has basically decided she doesn't like the train (doesn't drive) and therefore won't even now meet half way. Had the choice to move closer after DF died but chose to move into a flat in their chosen location. She never visited by herself when DGC were small so I suppose I should've seen it coming but it's very frustrating. It basically means she'll see less of me but I'm not really sure she's even that bothered, I think she has her own weekly routine and likes to stick to it, my most recent visit pretty much felt like an inconvenience (and after I'd used a days annual leave)!

My parents were taking the London tube all over well into their late 70s. How is your mum’s health? Can she manage the steps etc? Could she Uber it across London to the train station instead?

my parents early 80s take a four hr trip on two trains to see us and my mother in law late 80s comes on a 5.5hr direct train, she gets assistance at both ends getting on and off.

My partner is 75. On Friday he'll be getting up at 6 am to get a bus into town then a train to London, then on the underground. Off to a conference/study day. He'll do the same thing in reverse in the evening.

When there are mobility problems or ill health, it's another matter.

But please don't write us all off as incapable just because we're of - or near - pensionable age.

I would price up a taxi between the stations and look into passager assistance on the trains. Might make it less of a mental challange for her. 70+ people vary enormously- some of my relatives happily do 300 mile drives and go to Zimbabwe on holiday, others won’t drive or use public transport and hardly leave the village.

I'm 70. The change in my health from 60 to 70 is horrid. My knees are screaming as I type. I'll drive for maximum half hour . Would not contemplate train to London and tube ( and I lived there for 20 years). Ageing is very restricting.

My well-travelled independent now elderly mother reached a certain age (in her 70s) when she just found trains and especially the tube completely overwhelming and couldn't cope with travelling that way anymore. An overseas flight is actually significantly more straightforward and easier to navigate.

Should that mean you travel to her instead? Not always, but sometimes. If you have a good relationship then as parents get older it does take more effort on the child's part.

Worth reflecting ahead to consider how you would feel if your own children had partners that you don't get on with for whatever reason. Wouldn't you want to spend some time with them alone?

You obviously have more commitments in your life between work and family. But I think you should accept your mother's word that she isn't up for the journey.

This is how I want to be! I don’t think of 73 as elderly. Maybe that’ll come back to bite me. Or maybe I’ll be travelling to Zimbabwe via LU and the Heathrow Express to speak at a conference.

You should be taking turns. You both have stresses involved in the journey.

we stayed in a hotel when we went to see my parents.

73 .. she may be slowing down she may find it hard being at yours .. unless you talk u won't know. You could offer to travel up and bring her back to yours for a few days, or pick her up somewhere that's less anxiety provoking for her to get to. But if she doesn't like DH it may be hard being at yours. And you don't sound like you like her that much either.. maybe think what's possible for you and offer that.. day trips or bringing her back to yours. She won't be around forever... enjoy her while you can. I know for some 73 is young, but not everyone is like that .. it sounds like you are struggling to even imagine that she may be getting older and tired, and also more able to say what she needs. You may have more empathy when you get to 73 but it will be too late then. Try find a way to support her ... ?

Just to be clear to everyone who says we should be taking turns, in a normal year we see my mum every couple of months, my brother lives very close to her and we usually stay with him. I am in no way saying that I am not going to make those trips what I am saying is that I’m not going to double the amount of trips because she won’t travel the other way. so we will see less of each other overall, perhaps only three times per year rather than six. I guess both of us will need to make our peace with that. Hope that makes sense.

Clearly not everybody of the same age will maintain the same levels of health or energy as they get older. My 89 year old neighbour is astonishingly active, still driving etc, but she's highly exceptional. If the OP's mother is in her seventies I can easily understand why she's not keen on that journey, and especially on her own.

Air travel is much easier than tube plus train.

I think you have to accept she is getting on and can't manage this.

You will both need to adapt to what this means.

We now drive and collect my MIL to bring her for visits to us. (3hrs each way). The train is too much for her.

I can empathise Op, my elderly mum never comes to visit, no way would she do the journey you describe. She’s older than your mum, but there was a time when she would get a 6hr+ coach to us over the train/tube as she found the connections and platform changes too stressful. Doesn’t even do that now though. I have got really down about it in the past. I continue to do the 4hr+ drive up to her every couple of months with the kids, or I get a train to see her if I’m on my own. We are lucky that we can stay at her house, although we don’t do this for every visit (sometimes we air bnb) as I can tell it’s a bit much for her. Basically it’s either me make all the effort, or literally never see her. So as frustrating as it is, I do it. I feel for you though, I know how sad it is and how much you must have on your plate already.

Thank you for your kindness

If she has no health problems, a four hour train ride plus tube for a 73 year old is hardly the end of the world. My DM does it all the time. So do my relatives now in their eighties. I know not everyone is the same but there’s no real reason apart from possibly crap expensive trains - although going through London, trains are usually more reliable. You can also get passenger assistance if required.

If my DM adamantly just wanted me to visit her because of severe unexplained anxiety about train travel I’d do this, but maybe quarterly and at a weekend and with the kids.

73 isn't old! I'm 70 and just went to South America and Antarctica by myself!!
My Mum was still hopping on a coach to visit me at nearly 90! (I drive a couple of hours to visit her now that she's 95)

The tube in London may be too dauting for her now. Would she come if you met her off the train and assisted with tube?

If the issue is she doesnt like dh or have much time for grandkids then that is more difficult. Although if staying at your brothers normally works hopefully that can resume soon.

That absolutely depends on your luck. I'm close to 70, and so far am fit and mobile, so haven't had to restrict or change my travel plans or modes of travel (I'm a long haul solo backpacker).
But my daughter's MIL has extremely restricting and distressing mobility issues, which limit her enormously.

I've done nothing to deserve better health than her. She's a lovely person who led a healthy life and has a good attitude. But if we continue our present patterns, our 70s are going to be very different.

Same applies on a cognitive/mental health level. Being smug about any of this stuff is not a good look. I don't look down on anyone of my age or older who who finds travelling more physically different or stressful than they used to. I can see why and how it happens.

I understand from her point of view and I also understand yours. I think regular phone calls with a visit at Easter, summer holidays and Christmas would suffice.

@Frazzledmum77

So, am I understanding that she wants you to travel to her solo more frequently as opposed to the whole family or you + DCs increasing visits? Depending on your DCs ages, that would have to be a 'no' for me unless they were teens, assuming I wanted to do the journey. Then I might consider an extra trip or so, if it didn't inconvenience my own family.

I'm in my late 60s and routinely drive almost 900 miles (round trip) to visit my BFF/cousin for 2 weeks every year. It's about a 7 hour drive each way on an Interstate. I only wish there was a train + metro I could take but unfortunately here (California) the train system sucks and even if there was a train the Metro doesn't go as far as the nearest town to her. So, drive it is. Or fly.

If your mum doesn't want to do the journey, so be it. But if she's capable and just chooses not to that's on her. And the same for you. If you don't want to do the journey (or extra journeys) so be it. If it means reduced time together, that's the price you pay.

Sounds like my mum. She's around the sane age and is able to go on holidays and visits to family abroad and here in UK but 1. 30 hrs journey on train is too much and I don't even live in London!
I work full time with 3 kids and my weekends are spent cleaning and washing yet I'm supposed to visit her every time

I moved away from my parents/brother for work. My parents visited rarely and then just stopped. When we used to visit they found it too tiring for them to be around us longer than one day and expected us to go out and entertain ourselves and 2 dc. They didn’t have room for us to stay and seemed to want to make it as difficult as possible, and constantly reminded me of how much better it would be if I moved back. Yes, back to no decent careers and no prospects for our kids.

We didn’t move back and the ‘punishment for moving away’ continues.

Oh yes! I know this feeling.

Maybe she'd like to spend time with you on your own without your DH and DC? Is that a possibility occasionally? I recently had a short overnight visit - no more than 24 hours with my mother and my brother joined us just for the evening meal ... no DC & no spouses .... there's no hard feelings or animosity but it was just lovely to spend time together. My DH frequently visits his side of the family on his own too ... assuming you have a DH/DP there's no need to go round in a pack all the time. And young DC, even beloved grandchildren, can be very draining.