Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

[Frazzledmum77]

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

True, although going through London is actually one of the easiest train journeys you can make because both trains and tube usually show up and are regular. And luggage these days can be pull along.

Exactly it's silly.

She isn't comfortable doing it and its the ops problem to sort out.
It's not just an age thing either.
I wouldn't fancy going across London on a tube alone either.

Why must people visit, you can call, facetime, Zoom etc.
Chill out.

You still have to carry it up and down steps and manoeuvre it on and off escalators.

I find the tube way more stressful than airports and I say that as a Londoner!
I think you’re being unfair and digging your heels in. You’re being as inflexible as she is, but she is much older and on her own.

Could you arrange to pick her up at the last major train stop before london so she doesn’t need ti get the tube? Or look at national express down instead? I know you think she doesn’t want to come and is looking for excuses but maybe she genuinely struggles doing the tube now. I know your say she still flies but I feel like flying/airport, etc is much easier than getting the tube across London.

Why doesn't she like your husband?

Op it’s just one of those things.

My mum is 65 and does make a similar train journey atm to see me. And I do rarely go and see her as I have 2 very young kids, her house is also tiny and you can’t move in there when all of us go, plus my mum constantly stresses if my 3 year old spills something or knocks something over by accident. It’s not worth it. So even if my mum stops coming down because of the journey, we still won’t go up and see her much.

No one should be made to feel bad for not living in their home town for their entire lives!

Your mum flies on holiday because she wants to go and is looking forward to the break and the benefits it brings. Your mum prefers not to make the train/tube journey to your house because she doesn't feel the befits outweigh the travel. Facetime/Skype regularly and visit a couple of times a year - on your own if necessary as she's not bothered about seeing the rest of your family, you're not joined at the hip.

You have no idea if this is true. Maybe the flight is much easier and more straightforward than the journey to OP's house. Maybe the tube and three trains whilst lugging her luggage makes her more anxious than a direct flight.

My well-travelled independent now elderly mother reached a certain age (in her 70s) when she just found trains and especially the tube completely overwhelming and couldn't cope with travelling that way anymore.

My MIL used to travel from Surrey to Suffolk to visit a friend when she was in her early 70s. She'd get the train to Victoria, then the coach direct to the centre of her friend's town.

Then the coach service was stopped. She tried it by train and tube, and just found it too much, so she doesn't visit any more. She also said that she reckoned the walk to the coach station was shorter than the distance she had to walk when crossing town by tube!

I’m older than your DM, and I’d easily do that journey, but if I had heavy bags (the Tube can be a major trek) I’d get a cab in between main line stations. Would that be an option?

When my car’s been out of action I have taken bus, tube, and The Oxford Tube (frequent coach service) to a dd.

For those suggesting OP should travel on her own, what then happens to the 3 DC ? Should her DH take precious time off work so OP can visit her DM on her own, when she doesn't want to ?

Most people who are married with young DCs travel as a unit. OP says they will visit 3 times a year, that seems plenty to me.

Could you meet her halfway on her journey to you?

I encouraged my late DH to visit his mum on his own occasionally over a weekend and look after the kids myself. It's not the hardest thing in the world to do. Presumably OP 's husband is capable of wrangling the kids for 36 hours or so?

OP has said that mother and DH don't get on and that she's not bothered about her grandchildren ....unless I've misinterpreted her posts?

This is an incredibly common issue OP, since people move far from where they grew up and where their parents still live.

Not quite the same issue - but when our son was a toddler, the huge effort to travel to see my parents with him, to stay in a cluttered house where nothing was remotely toddler safe, was hugely stressful. My parents just carried on as though nothing was amiss and made very little real effort with our (livewire) son, when we were already completely exhausted. My mum left her sewing kit out when he could easily have jagged himself on loose needles, also left an iron switched on, on the ironing board, when our son could easily have pulled it down on top of himself.

It brought into really sharp relief how, looking back, my parents were really haphazard about risks and health and safety (as many parents were in the 80s). But I have no siblings and nobody to buffer the effect of constantly being “on” to look out for a young child, so a bit more thought would have been appreciated.

The truth is that many people in their 70s and 80s really didn’t enjoy those early stages with their own kids and aren’t really interested in it with grandkids. Many, many of them: you see regular threads about it on here. They’re set in their ways and want a quiet life.

My relationship with my parents now is very diminished, sadly (other reasons for that too).

Man, do I know this feeling too

I am a similar age to your mother and I do a very similar journey once a month to visit my elderly mother. I cope fine, although I do find the tube a pain if I have a lot of luggage. I sometimes get a taxi across London for that reason. Would that be an option for your mother or could you meet her at the train station and travel on the tube together?

My FIL has asked for some 1:1 time with DH. None of us are offended. It is a different dynamic sitting and talking with his son vs visiting an entire family. They live reasonably close and dc is old enough that this isn’t really a burden on us either.

you are right that if your mother can’t travel for whatever reason, the visits will be less frequent. As long as you keep up the ones you have been doing, you are ok.

if you can swing one mother daughter visit a year, I would encourage you to do so. Even just taking the train down on Saturday, have a nice afternoon and dinner, and back on Sunday. I know it feels like 73 isn’t old, but it’s more time than I got with my mother. Aging is so random and you just never know when someone is going to get sick. I wish I had gotten more visits than I did.

So you all know it's difficult for your mother to face public transport across the centre of London to visit you?

None of you have a car?

You can't pay for a taxi?

You can't all decide no presents this year, we'll just fund a visit from grandma?

I work with the elderly. The highest cause of death is falling. I would definitely not recommend for any elderly person to travel by tube in central London.

My mum doesn't seem to like travelling much, she never has done though. But I notice she's less willing to go to places she used to at least occasionally visit, like a day trip to London which is probably about 2.5 hours on the train for her. She really doesn't like staying away from home. She's 80 and physically quite able to cope with it but just doesn't like it. I don't know what she would do if I didn't live an hour away from her (she's fine with that). I guess we would have to visit her all the time instead.

I would definitely not recommend for any elderly person to travel by tube in central London.

My 75 year old mother would disagree with you on that.

People have different capabilities, and early - mid 70s isn’t exactly the “frail elderly” unless there are other things going on.

I agree with this - when my dm went to an airport she would book assistance; and be taken to her plane in a chair or a ride on and be collected at the other side. Much easier than what the OP's mum needs to do!

There's no way my mum or MIL, both 74, would travel on a train for 4 hours on their own to see me. MIL doesn't even like to drive somewhere more than 10 miles away. And she's driven since she was 17, ran her own business which involved driving to lots of different places (cleaning) and still does some of those jobs for DH. My DM would travel with DF (they went to New Zealand last year), but she wouldn't like to go anywhere she's not very familiar with including the mode of transport. Luckily they both live not far away.

Could you take the kids up with you to see her in the summer holidays?

I'm in my mid 70s now and certainly enjoy travelling less these days.Ive always been very independent and although a non dri ver trains and buses have never been a challenge at all. I still work part time out of necessity, and find I want to stay home more than I did. I get tired .
It does work both ways though,even the loveliest family members only want to meet up when it's convenient for them. It's understandable.
Tell mum to meet you half way, she can get a senior person's rail card!