Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

230 replies

Frazzledmum77 · 06/06/2024 14:40

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 15/06/2024 07:08

Glad the visit went well and you have a plan for the future

Iwasafool · 15/06/2024 10:50

Frazzledmum77 · 14/06/2024 18:26

Just thought I’d post an update. I’m amazed (in a good way) at the response to my thread - 220 posts! This is an issue that provokes strong feelings and opinions and which many others have experienced either in my shoes or DM’s and it’s great to have all of those perspectives.

So - in the end I did persuade mum to make the journey. I watched her like a hawk whilst she was here, checking on mobility/anxiety and yes, I agree, solo travelling (especially LU) isn’t something she’s especially capable/comfortable/confident about any more. So we (I’m including DBro and DSis in this) need to make sure she’s safe whilst travelling and accompanied as much as possible. I have this thread to thank for making me take notice these issues and change my views a bit, so it’s been really helpful.

DM had a great time here. We did all the things she likes - eating out, yoga, gardening and watching the BBC, she literally had my attention during every waking minute. DH was working lates and the kids did their own thing. She had a very relaxing break. Sure there were a few triggering moments (I don’t react well to people standing over me whilst I’m cooking, especially if I’ve already asked them to sit down) but in the main I did well at being patient and thoughtful.

I guess I’m still sad at the lack of interaction/interest in the kids and the fact she so blatantly prefers my company to theirs. My problem I suppose.

Thanks for all the many travel option suggestions. I thought the best one was to continue with the 3 x trips to DBro but also try to fit in a solo meet each year, plus accompanied travel including Christmas. DM was pushing for a family holiday since we had one last year on a whim. Seems much always wants more …

You're her baby and that is actually lovely, sure it's a shame she isn't as close as she might be to your kids but that's OK because they are your babies and have you love love them.

Grammarnut · 15/06/2024 19:20

saraclara · 14/06/2024 16:34

If you're 74, you should be well aware that not everyone of your age is having such an easy time of aging.
I'm (so far) one of the lucky ones at 68. But some of my friends and acquaintances, through no fault of their own, have all kinds of restrictions when it comes to travel.

While we can make generalisations about what a teenager is and what someone in their 30s can do, when it comes to past retirement age, there is no such thing as a typical 70 year old, physically and cognitively. The range is far wider than with other demographics.

None of us has room to be smug about 'well I can do it!' because physical and psychological limitations could hit us at any time, as it has with some of my peers. I'm SO fortunate to still able to backpack solo in difficult countries. My friend would love to do so, but she can barely manage the steps up to her house. And another has lost confidence through grief, since losing her partner, even though she's always been a very independent person. So I know only too well that my life could change hugely on the flip of a coin.

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I agree. Currently, I have difficulty because I have pulled a ligament in my left leg. It does not stop me driving because I drive an automatic (because I am hard on gearboxes not because of any disability). My (recently) late DH relied entirely on me to drive (never learned though he could sail/ride?!), so I understand the limitations. But I just get on with it. If I have to do it I do it. If I became totally immobile - as my late DM did - I would get help from family, I know, but I hope I will be hale for some years yet whilst being aware disaster may be around the corner (because I just experienced one). My point about the OP's DM is that she can travel by plane to see other relatives but not the OP, so it looks like either she does not like OP's family, or she is being awkward on purpose.

Despair1 · 16/06/2024 19:51

I understand that you can't travel to collect your mum OP, you have children and a husband. If your mum is mobile and sounds like she is with travelling abroad etc, I think it is reasonable that she travels on buses/trains to see you. That said, it seems your mum has made up her mind. You will need to compromise and make alternative plans to see each other

Gingernan · 17/06/2024 02:50

I know people of a variety of ages who will travel to their foreign holidays but have never been to London or travelled across it as they percieve it as confusing and difficult. That might account for some of ops mum's reluctance.

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