Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

[Frazzledmum77]

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

In one way it doesn't sound like it's really about the travel. It's about your DMs attitude of my way or the highway. She"s basically said 'I'm not travelling to you any more you'll have to come to me, when I find it convenient, oh and I want you to come alone', rather than 'I'm finding the travel a bit difficult now I'm getting older, can we try and find a way to still see each other as regularly?'.

The second one would get an entirely different response from me, the first one I'd be like 'er no sorry that doesn't work for me'

Exactly @Coaltodiamonds - and I think a lot of posters are missing the trying to boss OP about part.

I am 71 and spend one or two (seperate) weeks with my daughter in Nottingham. I am retired she and her DH work full time and have a lot on at weekends. If I want to see them and my grandson I have to make the effort. 1 hour tube to Victoria Coach station, 3 hours to Nottingham she picks me up from the town centre usually on a Saturday then reverse 7/8 days later.

She still can't just expect her mother to do it. If she can't face doing it she can't and that's it. If she wants to see her DD enough she will find a way, if not they just have 3 visits a year. How can she "fight" it, her mother is an adult and she can make decisions about where she wants to go and where she feels able to go.

Err, I am not really sure what you are getting at here? OP is, I think, fine to see her mum 3x per year so what would she be fighting?

You do realise that not everyone is the same at 73 don't you. Lots of people have health issues in their 70s, covid showed us how people's age affected their ability to cope with what could be anything from a mild cold to a killer. How about postmenopausal women, and they all will be in their 70s, sometimes that affects health e.g. osteoporosis or it can affect confidence. I've been diagnosed with osteoporosis this year and it has made me much more aware of the dangers of crowds/stairs and the sort of situations you can get on the tube.

Regardless you feeling OK about it doesn't mean another woman has to feel the same.

Maybe read the first post? Just to help I'll quote what she said, "We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?"

Ok. I read the first post when the thread was started <shrug>

And I’m taking my cue from this later post by OP. HTH.

“what I am saying is that I’m not going to double the amount of trips because she won’t travel the other way. so we will see less of each other overall, perhaps only three times per year rather than six. I guess both of us will need to make our peace with that. “

Well you can't control other people. So if your mother doesn't want to visit you just need to accept this I think.

I also think it's fine for you to see her as many - or as few - times a year as you want to.

I wouldn't be wasting time and energy in fighting anything or feeling guilty either.

That's great but I was explaining the "fighting it" point which you didn't understand. Now you know that it was the OP who introduced that, not me, so if you want to know what she'd be fighting you could ask her.

That is a follow on to fighting it, does she fight it or just make peace with it. Obviously the sensible thing is to make peace with it because however much she fights it she can't make her mother do a journey she isn't comfortable doing.

Ok, bye bye

CBA, tbh. Have a good day.

I am non-plussed at a 73-year-old woman being worried about train journeys. My mother used to do this, and use coaches, from London, in her 80s. I am prepared to do it now, or drive (used to visit DM) and I am 74. It's game playing.

If you're 74, you should be well aware that not everyone of your age is having such an easy time of aging.
I'm (so far) one of the lucky ones at 68. But some of my friends and acquaintances, through no fault of their own, have all kinds of restrictions when it comes to travel.

While we can make generalisations about what a teenager is and what someone in their 30s can do, when it comes to past retirement age, there is no such thing as a typical 70 year old, physically and cognitively. The range is far wider than with other demographics.

None of us has room to be smug about 'well I can do it!' because physical and psychological limitations could hit us at any time, as it has with some of my peers. I'm SO fortunate to still able to backpack solo in difficult countries. My friend would love to do so, but she can barely manage the steps up to her house. And another has lost confidence through grief, since losing her partner, even though she's always been a very independent person. So I know only too well that my life could change hugely on the flip of a coin.

Do you live near a regional airport OP. That would mean that your DM could take a short flight and then a taxi from the airport.
You have my sympathy though. My DM decided it was too far to drive to see us in her late 60s - that was a 1 hour journey. This obviously meant less frequent visits.

My MIL is in 70s, a couple of years ago very fit and healthy, 2 years later she is suffering from various ailments. Can still travel independently but it takes it out of her.

It takes it out of all of us when we're over 70, but how much you can do it also depends how much you want to see your family.

It can but sometimes it doesn't matter how much you want to see them because you just can't. Not me at the moment, I'm 70 and have grandchildren in 5 different locations up to 350 miles apart, I visit all over the place but that doesn't mean every 70 year old can or that I will be able to in the next year or ten years.

@angela1952 surely it depends on how much it takes it out of you. MIL has a degenerative illness, so not too badly impacted at the moment, but we do notice the difference from a couple of years ago. But who knows what she will be capable of in the next few years, no matter how much she wants to see family. And as I said she was fit and healthy 2 years ago, much fitter than me to be honest!

Just thought I’d post an update. I’m amazed (in a good way) at the response to my thread - 220 posts! This is an issue that provokes strong feelings and opinions and which many others have experienced either in my shoes or DM’s and it’s great to have all of those perspectives.

So - in the end I did persuade mum to make the journey. I watched her like a hawk whilst she was here, checking on mobility/anxiety and yes, I agree, solo travelling (especially LU) isn’t something she’s especially capable/comfortable/confident about any more. So we (I’m including DBro and DSis in this) need to make sure she’s safe whilst travelling and accompanied as much as possible. I have this thread to thank for making me take notice these issues and change my views a bit, so it’s been really helpful.

DM had a great time here. We did all the things she likes - eating out, yoga, gardening and watching the BBC, she literally had my attention during every waking minute. DH was working lates and the kids did their own thing. She had a very relaxing break. Sure there were a few triggering moments (I don’t react well to people standing over me whilst I’m cooking, especially if I’ve already asked them to sit down) but in the main I did well at being patient and thoughtful.

I guess I’m still sad at the lack of interaction/interest in the kids and the fact she so blatantly prefers my company to theirs. My problem I suppose.

Thanks for all the many travel option suggestions. I thought the best one was to continue with the 3 x trips to DBro but also try to fit in a solo meet each year, plus accompanied travel including Christmas. DM was pushing for a family holiday since we had one last year on a whim. Seems much always wants more …

Thanks for the update OP. Glad to hear the visit went well!

@Frazzledmum77 it's hard when you see they can't do as much as they could or are nervous about it.

Thanks for the update, and your honesty @Frazzledmum77 . And I'm glad that this thread helped you to see where her reluctance was coming from. I hope your plans work out well for all parties.