Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

[Frazzledmum77]

My 73 year old mum has been giving out signals for a few years now that she doesn’t want to make the train journey to see us (about 4 hours including tube across London). Today I invited her to come for a few days next week and she said sorry no, she really doesn’t like the travelling and could I please come to her instead? I gently explained no, the kids need me here. She had 3 kids herself so I’m really surprised she even suggested it tbh, it’s not something she would ever have done in my position, except in emergencies. I’m the primary caregiver and I can’t just swan off to stay with my mother in the middle of the week! I get that she has some form of travel anxiety and I know this is common. But she still manages to take flights to see family overseas, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. Part of it is definitely that she’s not so keen on DH and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. Im feeling a bit bruised, this isn’t the first time this issue has come up, but it’s the first time it’s been a definite “no”. We’ll see a lot less of her if she’s not prepared to travel, her house is tiny and we can’t stay with her as a family. Not sure whether to fight this or just accept it?

OP lives hours away and still goes I up and sees her mum a number of times a year. I think that’s fine.

Having children is no excuse really.

Err, what kind of logic is this? Back in the real world, posters have jobs and commitments outside of their parents.

@Frazzledmum77 is there a possibility of DBro shortening your mum’s journey by dropping her at a station a bit further down the track? Or (assuming via London) could you meet her at King’s Cross and take the tube with her to Victoria and the train out to yours. DH used to do this with FIL.

OP lives hours away and still goes I up and sees her mum a number of times a year. I think that’s fine.

Three times a year isn't much. And though it takes her mum four hours by two trains and the tube, I imagine that the car journey is considerably less.

My MIL lived nearly three hours car journey away, but we still visited at least six times a year, with two kids, from tiny babyhood to late teens.

Nope - OP says this;

an 8 hour round trip by car

Train can be quicker for long journeys - Manchester to Hastings, for example, is just over 4h by train/tube and 5h plus by car

I can understand her not wanting to get into London then use the tube etc . My previous partner lived in London and the thought of getting the train, the tube, then overground filled me with dread. As a compromise I would get to Euston then she would collect me …… either by car or we’d take public transport together . Could that arrangement work ? I totally understand you not wanting to double trips especially when you feel she’s not that interested in the rest of your family though. I think it would be nice for your children to spend time with a grandparent who wants to see them in their own home, with their own things doing their usual routine . It’s not the same as being ‘the visitor ‘ all the time .

Exactly. It’s rare for a train journey to be quicker by car.

Yes, esp a long distance one where trains can go 125 mph for a lot of it

73 is the average life expectancy for men in Glasgow, most people that age will have some health condition. I hope the next decade is good to you but it is fact that in the next decade you are likely to encounter some health issues, that’s part of aging.

But not so much two separate train journeys linked by a tube journey, and including the wait times on the platforms.

Having said that, I'm guilty of not remembering OP saying the car journey was as long.

My mum still works at 73!

There are particular issues in Glasgow. Men in their late 60s and early 70s now were often heavy smokers in their youth and may still be smokers now. Drink, drugs, poor diet and all the problems that come with poverty all pull life expectancy down in certain districts. In most parts of the UK life expectancy is higher than 73, especially for women, and lots of older people have a decent quality of life and are reasonably active well into their 80s. Mental attitude varies enormously too. My aunt died at 80, almost housebound after years of ill health and frailty, which I think was linked to chronic depression after her husband died relatively young from cirrhosis. My Dad, her brother - same upbringing, better life choices and outcomes - lived to 89 and only had significant health issues in the last months of his life.

That sounds amazing..not everyone is the same though. .. and it would make for a boring qorld if so.

I used to work with an academic who finally retired, very reluctantly, well into his 70s. His wife insisted, I believe. As my bus laboured up a steep hill I'd see him cycling up the hill beside us. He worked very hard and very effectively and was better with technology than almost anyone I ever met there.

The healthy life expectancy for both men and women i.e with no morbidity, is 63 for both men and women. Of course many people have manageable health conditions and live full lives well into their 80’s, but many don’t and start to struggle much earlier.

My mum arrives Kings Cross. We pick her up. It’s just outside of the ULEZ, so we could park outside and run in and grab her. She’s now decided (at 86, fair play!) that she no longer fancies the train journey, despite being taken to the station, put on the train-no changes-then picked up from Kings Cross and driven back to ours. I’ve decided I’ll drive up to see her, I need the car to get round to hers (I stay in a hotel, she smokes, I can’t cope with it in a tiny house) and to take her round/see family.

Agree you can arrange golf carts to taxi you from drop off through passport, security and straight to place. A 4 hour journey with negotiating tubes is horrendous if you have difficulty walking, carrying bags, following tube maps etc....and she's 73.
Op are you a lone parent? Can't you go for a weekend?

Op are you a lone parent? Can't you go for a weekend?

Four hour drive up on Saturday, four hour drive back on Sunday?

Yikes.

Three times a year isn't much.

Let’s agree to disagree on that @saraclara

Why doesn’t she like your DH @Frazzledmum77

That's what I thought too

Whatever decision you make, just remember that your mum won't be around forever.

Well at that age I wouldn't expect my parents to visit if it involved a bit of travel. I would've beendown there with the kids although I don't know many old people that could manage around kids for ages anyhow so would keep an eye they didn't exhaust her to much

It’s quite far for both parties and it seems particularly stressful for her with her anxieties - but also a difficult journey on different modes of public transport for you (assuming you don’t drive) depending on the ages of 3 DC.

If DM then doesn’t feel comfortable with your DH when she finally arrives, I can understand her position of not wanting to come and stay. It seems like until now she had been making an effort despite the above, so think you are being a bit hard on her.

It is possible to do a couple of weekend breaks (perhaps hotel) with you and the DC?

@Bowies OP drives, that’s clear in her posts

I think the idea of halfway is perhaps she gets the train from Southampton to Oxford then you pick her up for the journey to Leicester. Fictional route but I think you can get the idea. Alot if transport stress is transfers and connections so reducing that to one or 2, but you only having a 3 hour round trip not 8 might be doable.
I work in healthcare, some 95 year olds are amazing whereas some 60 year olds are on their last legs and it's not always obvious why.

I moved away from my family so am used to the travelling back and forth (similar distance). I would be offering to go and pick her up and take her back again and if it wouldn't work on those days, I would change the days even if it meant her staying longer. There are several times I have done day trips for family events up there (with and without my husband and our children) because it would have been too expensive to stay over, so I know it's ok to do the long trip sometimes. I did not get on well with my mum and she died when I was 18. To me, any time you can get is precious and worth the extra effort. I did a lot of that kind of thing for my dad until he passed away and I am really glad I did. I also used to accompany my daughter on half the train journey when she was a teenager so she could get used to it and that was lovely too. Similarly it was a train to London and transfer across to another train. I would take her across to the final train. On her way back, I would meet her off that first train and accompany her the rest of the way. The travelling time together was lovely. Maybe something similar might work for you and your mum? I hope you find a solution.