Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

Anyone using the word disobey would worry me in this day and age tbh.

You're in a relationship with a man who wants to be obeyed? What was your reaction to that?

I would be very concerned and would do a Clare's Law check on him. As above poster said, the comment about disobeying is very worrying

Why would you want to be with a man who expects to be obeyed? That's a red flag, isn't it? Who made him the boss?

doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Why are you with a man who states that? What about what you want?

He doesn't like to be disobeyed, that alone would have me running a mile away and that is before his exs comments.

Run for the hills

What do you mean he likes things his own way? What happens if that doesn’t happen?

You say you’ve seen no evidence of it but even your comments about liking things his own way and not liking to be disobeyed are evidence. I wouldn’t ignore his two ex’s.

If you have to change how you act or who you are in order to ensure you're doing things his way then he is abusive. You didn't need his exes to tell you that.

Jfc this man sounds like a walking red flag.

I would be listening to his exes and paying very very close attention to his behavior when things don't go his way.

Doesn’t like to be disobeyed 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This. WTAF.

Run, then get a good therapist and work out why your boundaries are so poor.

For future reference, either of the women or just his statement should have you running.

If I was dating someone and they told me they didn't like to be "disobeyed" I would be running for the hills.

His exes are warning you......listen to them.

i would disobey him, see how he reacts.

I'm betting it won't be great. Honestly. GTFO, those kinds of men don't suddenly stop behaving like that.

you've been with the man a year! if you are honest with yourself you will know if he's been controlling and coercive by now. i'd be asking myself, why after a year this information bothers you?

we all like things doing our own way.. filling the dishwasher, making the bed etc but theres a difference between the odd thing here and there and everything being 'controlled' by him and making you 'obey' him.

and the big question, what are you going to do now?

He doesn't like to be disobeyed?

He's telling you who he is, you don't need testimonials from previous partners.

Run.

Disobey is an odd word to use about your partner! I'd never say my DP has to 'obey' me. Its controlling! Can we have context for that please?

Well I mean it doesn't sound great does it?

How is your knowledge of red flags? Because I suspect there have been others and you just haven't picked up on them.

Read up on how to spot narcissistic abuse. And narcissists in general, as they are a very common abuser type and have a...way of being, that once you can see, you can spot a mile off.

Things like, lack of empathy, inability to compromise, selfishness. All huge red flags. And may be reflected in the example you gave of his behaviour with you.

It sounds like you should run for the hills. But i suspect you need to see it for yourself before you do so. So, instead of waiting around around the next red flag, bone up in red flags and see if there are any you've missed already. That may make you feel more sure about leaving being right for you.

What does he do if you disobey him?
You should ask the police for a Clare's Law on him.

Fuck me, I’d be doing a Clare’s Law search ASAP.

He may have changed but I doubt it. I'd rather end a relationship and be wrong rather than end up falling pregnant and intertwined with him for 18+ years if he turned out to be abusive, and with the ter 'disobeys' being flaunted I'd put money on it. Often men can keep up the Mr nice Guy act until they trap you via marriage or a baby, once that happens they can drop it with the occasional session of love bombing to make you doubt yourself.

And what happens if you do disobey this prince

How many more red flags do you need before you walk away

doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Jesus Christ, I would be running for the hills..

Well, why don't you try to disobey him and find out for yourself? I mean, are you really happy he expects obedience?

Anyone using the word disobey wouldn’t be my partner. I’m not their pet dog disobeying orders. I’m their partner and equal.