Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

Do you really think he was ever going to say “Ah yeah, actually, about 18 months/2 years/whenever into relationships, once the woman feels safe and has sunk into it, I get abusive…”?

We did our best, everyone.

😑😑😑

This can’t be real. No one can be that stupid and naive to ask an abuser if he’s abusive ffs.

One of the most unanimous threads I’ve ever seen in MN and the OP totally ignores it to keep a man

Good luck you’re going to need it. See you in a year or so when you start a thread on your partner abusing you

Fuck me sideways 🤦🏼‍♀️

You need to wake up and shake yourself
He's hardly going to admit it now, is he?
Every single post has told you the same thing
You're either bored and making it up or oblivious

Come back in a year I guess . As he will turn . When I don’t know … but he will

Come on now, he’s not going to admit it is he 🙄

Yoive just made yourself look weaker and more gullible in his eyes !
He’ll be laughing at you !

I told my ex’s now ex partner he was abusive, she didn’t believe me. Now she’s opened up that he was indeed abusive to her and they split. She has also told his once again now ex partner that he was abusive, she didn’t believe her. After the relationship breakdown and him moving another woman in within a week, both of his ex’s warned the current girlfriend of his abusive nature. Guess what? She doesn’t believe them, he’s the love of her life, he wouldn’t do that. I can only imagine the mental and emotional trauma that this new girl is yet to face. I have been split with him for almost 10 years, guess what? He still has a burning hatred for me and the other women who escaped his clutches, in addition to this he will have his new girlfriend involved in causing havoc in the lives of his ex’s.

My point being, you won’t realise he’s abusive until you’re in the thick of it. Then it’s harder to get out. Leave now, whilst you have the chance.

I showed the girl after me pictures of black eyes, his knuckles all cut and bruised…. His response? That’s the sign of a good night! I didn’t lay a finger on her. All of the evidence was there, all of his convictions laid out!

Try Clare’s Law and take it from there, but ideally leave him.

Oh, my sweet Summer child.

You need an exit plan.

Here is a suggestion Noonin Go and tell your Father, brothers or any other males that you know that your boyfriend has told you he doesn't like you disobeying him and see what they have to say about it. I bet every single one of them tells you the guy is dangerous, maybe then you will listen.

Oh for fucks sake, he is the very last person you should be listening to on this.

Yeah my ex didn't like women disobeying him either, a few slaps around the face when I did disobey him brought me to my senses and he was kicked into the long grass

I ignored the “crazy ex” and her friendly advice, chalked it up to her being jealous, not over him etc….

Culminated in him trying to smother me with a carrier bag over my nose and mouth, repeatedly beaten black and blue.

Then I was the crazy ex to the next person, I’m sure.

Yes, ‘disobeyed’ would finish it for me. Abusive people escalate gradually, so if he’s using this sort of language now, I’d run.

So you told the man that his exes said is abusive what they said, and he has said that he isnt abusive, despite liking everything his own way and not liking being disobeyed, and you believe him?

OK.

Just know that when it happens, and it will happen, we will still be here. No judgement, no censure, just help and support. We will be here when you need us and you WILL need us.

ETA how many exes has he had? You have only heard from two and they have both said the same thing, Iwonder what the others would have said.....worth thinking about.

I can promise you, you'll be the third ex "to have said the same thing."

Hopefully.

Because the alternative doesnt bear thinking about.

Oh God I'm so sorry that happened to you, that must have been terrifying. I hope you're ok now. X

doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).
This is a giant red flag. If this is what you're saying he laughed about that doesn't mean its not a red flag. It's not a joke, he and his Ex are telling you who he is.

Laughing about it is in itself a red flag imo. If I brought up the topic of abuse with my bf he would treat it seriously. And imagine it flipped - what if your bf came to you saying he'd heard that you had abused several old bfs. Would you just laugh? Or would you try to sincerely talk it through and reassure your bf?

Kindly, OP, you seem to be viewing this relationship with rose tinted glasses. When you asked him about it, there's no way on earth he'd have admitted it. And to laugh... A decent man would have been horrified. Do yourself a favour a read every single one of these comments, particularly from those who have been in your position. There are no success stories with these relationships. Get out now while you can.

This reads a lot like minimising and potentially gaslighting.

Also, did alarm bells not ring when he told you he didn't like being "disobeyed"?

Are you happy to just do as you're told then, like a good girl? because he has pretty much told you he's controlling.

Don't say we didn't warn you 🙂✌️