Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

Get out now, they are warning you, and he sounds problematic, and I bet doesn't like to be disobeyed isn't only dodgy thing he's said.

RUN

A year is fairly new - the mask slips between year 2 & 3 usually!

The mental scars of abuse can last a lifetime

Op, read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

Disobeyed?

WTF. What happens if you disobey him? Does one end up in A&E with a broken jaw?

Your own experience is showing a controlling man who is saying that if he is disobeyed there will be consequences - that is emotional abuse and controlling - so yes it looks like his previous exes were ribht

So, two ex's have had the same experience, and he's shown himself not to consider women equals in the way he speaks to you?

I'd run for the hills. I'd bet money that he's just getting to a point he feels you're trapped enough to accept his abuse.

How long have you been with him?

Edit - oops, a year, I missed that. That is very early stages still so it's probably only a matter of time..

Well you can listen to what his exes say or you can go by your own experience - as in I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Either way I'd be exiting stage right.

Without him knowing ring police and ask about clares law and youd like to know if hes been abusive previously and reported for that. However theres also the possibility that hes abusive but never been reported

A man told you he doesn't like to be disobeyed and two women have both called him abusive and you're still not sure if he's a good guy? No. You don't ignore the multiple red flags. Psychological abuse is very difficult to spot when you're the victim.

The amount of women I come into contact with in my job who didn't listen when people told them that someone was abusive is shocking. The bloke usually insists the exes are psycho/crazy/jealous. It's the same story over and over again. Listen to these women and listen to what he's said.

Emotional or psychological abuse is still abuse.

So he doesn't like to be disobeyed. Have you yet found out what happens if you are disobedient or don't do things his way? I'm guessing not, because up until now, you have been obliging and going along with what he wants.

He’s already prepping you into “well I told you I don’t like being disobeyed but you did”

RUN now. 2 exes saying he abused them and clear red flags for abuse - there is no chance I would be staying.

They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how.

Really?

OP, nicely, the fact that you don't get immediate ICK when a man tells you that he doesn't like to be disobeyed is a very clear sign that this man targets women who will take his shit. You say that except for the disobey comment, you haven't noticed anything. I say that you haven't noticed anything because you are clearly someonw who has poor boundaries.

I bet there are a milliion examples already. Do you feel self conscious physically - because sometimes he doesn't like your ooutfit and tells you or you think he has better taste than you or he's suggested you lose weight/have botox etc? Have you found that you are so busy being loved by him your social life has dwindled - do you see your friends and family less often or have you found that you are questioning their motives because he's pointed things out to you? Are you ever finding yourself rushing to tidy up/ change your clothes/ finish a task because he's on his way over and you know he likes it that way. Does he tell you it's because he's a perfectionist and he wants to help you? If you've ever had an argument, how did it play out? Did you have to apologise first? Did he disappear for a few days? Does he sometimes act in ways you find uncomfortable but tell you it's because he likes you so much/has never felt this way before etc etc?

This like a cartoon where someone is walking towards the edge of a cliff despite warning klaxons, signs, people screaming, and more klaxons, then looks completely surprised when they find themselves heading towards the rocks below

All of this

There are some people, no matter how much they are warned, no matter how many red flags they see for themselves, they absolutely insist on learning the hard way.

Op, please don't be one of those people.

I know right😳 OP I think you need to take a look at your relationship because it sounds like you're fast heading into being controlled and not even realising it's happening

Be hasn't been abusive but has also told you that he doesn't like to be disobeyed?

Does that mean you are careful about what you say or do?

Why would the exes lie? One maybe but two means that it's true. Sorry. I've been emotionally and physically abused in the past and it will only happen once they feel like they've got their claws stuck deep enough for you to not leave. Mine started when I moved in with him. He started hitting me when we moved further away from my family. Careful.

Ignore them.

His next girlfriend can post on here saying that 3 of his exes claim he was abusive.

Any man said to me they don't like to be disobeyed would be swiftly told to GTF pronto.

Jeez, come on Op. Value yourself