Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

OP what happens when you disobey him?

...or are you constantly walking on eggshells to make sure everything is perfect for him?

You had me at "doesn't like to be disobeyed"
His exes are not lying
Run

Disobey is an awful term. I wouldn’t be with someone who would employ that term in relation to me.

I was with a man I thought was lovely, quirky but lovely.

His ex said he was emotionally abusive. I couldn't see it for well over a year/18 months - but then it slowly crept in.

An angry 'don't touch that', when I went to turn a lamp on in his flat,
to grabbing and crushing my hand when I went to unplug something, to a 'I'll smash your head in if you drop that' when I was helping him carry a tv.

I ran just in time and I'm sooooo glad I did before it got too deep.

your own experience = "does like things his way" ....realistically-who doesnt/isnt how the world works tho-what is the consequences when that isnt what happens?
mostly disobeyed? really?
should you wait your turn? no.run

This!!

doesn't like to be disobeyed
😮
Take heart OP, he's not bright enough to realise that he should have kept that hidden, it shouldn't be hard to outwit him and drop off his radar completely after you get rid of him

Well if you can't see the problem with a man who doesn't like to be disobeyed, and if you can't see the value in hearing the opinions of two ex-girlfriends, then you've an even bigger problem than the man you're dating, OP.

Think about it. Take the great sex out of the equation (it won't last with a guy like that anyway) and have a long, hard think about it.

Nah deffo ignore what those silly bitches said, they are just jealous of your love (when you don’t disobey him obvs)

“doesn't like to be 'disobeyed'”

This is emotional abuse op. Open your eyes and walk away.

Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

I bet he was lovely to them in the first few months too…

You’ve noticed your own red flags with the wanting things his own way and use of “disobey”.

The multiple people saying he was abusive is just confirmation of what you know deep down.

Don’t walk away - run away. As your instinct is clearly telling you to

Obey?
wow OP can’t you see how creepy that is ?

You know, OP, "taming the beast" is also a thing. A lot of people, men and women, like to think that they're the one who "tamed" this one when nobody else could. Or they like the idea of being "tamed" themselves.

Either way, for men the worst is usually a sore ego and possibly some wasted money. For women, it's quite likely to be total isolation, loss of self and maybe a black eye.

And did you ever know a "tamed" person, or a "tamer", who was worth the time of day?

Wake up. Please. And run.

🚩
A man who uses the word disobey with reference to another adult.

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Two separate allegations from different sources.

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A year is not necessarily long for abuse to show itself in a relationship.

I would want to hear the exes out. If any of it rang true to my relationship, I’d be out of there.

I have a very strong physical and emotional reaction to the word "disobey".
RUN RUN, please get out of this

Is this a wind up? Obviously anyone who wants you to obey them is a walking red flag.

I was with a man who had an ex who said he was emotionally abusive. I ignored it because there was no way the man I was with could possibly be like that. He was incredibly caring, charming, would do anything for anyone. I believed she was a jealous ex.

Then after a year the mask completely slipped and he was definitely an abusive person. He has changed me as a person and I still think of all that he did to me every single day. He made me a shell of a person, and my confidence has not recovered.

Looking back, there were plenty of red flags along the way. But he used his childhood as an excuse for any bad behaviour. And he was so good at turning things around on me that I didn't initially realise what was going on.

Honestly, being amazing initially is how they get you to stay. Don't ignore this information.

Well it looks like the signs are there that his 2 ex's may have a point.

Tell him 'no' about something. Disagree with something he says. Voice an opinion different to his.
See how that goes.
I suspect you will gain a small glimpse into what could be heading your way in the future.

I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

Absolutely, but I would be even more concerned about what he has said.

;Obey' isn't in the vocabulary in 2024 for relationships. (Or 1994)
But you know that already of course.

You should be very, very, very concerned.

Can you talk to the exes again (sorry haven't read whole thread but if you can do this, I would.) Best of luck.

Run! You need an exit plan!

Are you living together? If so, do you have options to move out? Or at the very least get your stuff from his if you do have your own place.

You’re most vulnerable from controlling abusive men when you try to leave, let alone “disobey”!

I'd run a mile. Why wait until you 'disobey' him to get proof?