Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

Can you give us an example of him using the phrase "does not like to be disobeyed" context is key - Was it directed at a human? Could just about tolerate it for an animal, well maybe not.

Carry on seeing him and you’ll end up the 3rd ex saying he’s abusive. How can you not see this?

Please get out now. Your own experience ("disobey") allies with the exes. Why would they lie? Even IF they were, why would you accept someone who expects to be obeyed? Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and be aware that abusers are not always overt assholes to others (well, not all the time...). Frequently other people don't have a clue as the mask will still be in place with them.

Does he insist on being obeyed at work? When driving? With his family and friends? Or just with his female partner? I bet it's just the latter - they don't show everyone who they are.

They don't think they're abusive. It's always someone else's fault and therefore justifiable. The mask will slip - a year is very early days. Often it's not until they feel more secure, eg living together/marriage/kids. By which time it's harder to get out - and easier to find yourself working doubly hard to appease them. You try desperately to "get back to" how it used to be - which was them masking how much of a shit they feel entitled to be.

The only answer would be. WTF. Forget what the ex's said what he said is enough.

They're telling you who he is.
#I believe her
Do you believe her?
Why would the former OWs lie? What do they have to lose? (and clearly they don't want him back ...)

Exactly.

This is not something you have to figure out. It's obvious he's bad news.

A man saying he expects people to obey him is chilling. I'd view this as a 🚩 add that to the two exs and I'd say walk away.

Yup I would be concerned. My ex had an ex who accused him of abuse, no charges made and he said she was crazy. I wish I had listened. He was abusive but hid it till he got me trapped with a pregnancy. He's now got a new partner who has swallowed his lies he's got crazy exs. She will learn no doubt. I don't care to find out if a guy is innocent of it now if I get a whiff there is an ex who said he's abusive I'm out I can't risk it. I also rule out anyone who says their ex was crazy and I'm sure that's really true for many but again I won't risk it and secondly describing someone with mental health struggles as crazy tells a lot about how supportive they would be if a partner

The fact that you're even considering staying with him is worrying. If you have children then run as fast as you can

Get out now while you can.

He might seem lovely and charming now but he'll turn. Run!

He’s been accused of abusing two ex partners and he’s told you he doesn’t like to be disobeyed and things have to be done his way and you’re serious asking this question? Is this for real?

WTAF this man is waving a giant red flag with ‘I’m a manipulative coercive abusive cunt’ in big bold letters written on it.

Run for the fucking hills before you’re the third ex warning his latest victim

The second he told me he didn't like to be "disobeyed" would be the day he'd be single. Massive red flag there. These women are trying to do you a favour. I'd leave.

This

So two individuals presumably unconnected with each other are saying he is an abuser.

You would be an idiot to ignore this.

You've only been with him for a year so he still at the stage where he is making you fall in love with him and cementing the relationship so that when he begins small pieces of abuse you won't be able to walk away and throw away everything you've built up so far.

These men are very calculating they know they have to draw somebody in and get her to be completely attached before they start the abuse. Take it from someone who has been the victim in exactly this kind of situation.

The word 'obey' should never be used in a relationship unless you are in the military or it is part of consensual role play. You need to run, you know you do.

Of course you should be concerned. There’s often no smoke without fire when it comes to multiple allegations. There’s also a big clue in the use of the word “disobeyed”, as that tells you a lot. Based on the fact that didn’t make you run for the hills I’m going to assume that you’re likely compliant with him, and that’s probably why you haven’t seen the abusive side, because you haven’t “disobeyed“ him yet. Your next steps should be contacting your local police and requesting a Clare’s law, as they might hopefully hold more information for you to consider, doing the freedom programme online, and confiding in friends.

This!

I did t have to read the whole th3ead

Just leave. I wish someone had told me that before I had an abusive relationship

I would guarantee that there’s more exes who would say the same thing that you’ve just not heard about yet.

And I’m sure all of them didn’t believe the gossip about him because he was a real prince - and then they disobeyed him and the mask slipped

doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words)

Op ..... Seriously

FFS RUN!

Abusive men are the micest, most charming men you could ever meet.

That is until you can't get away.

You're luckiest than most as you've had fair warning. Plus the fact his mask is starting to slip.

Get the fuck out of there. NOW!

Do a Clare's Law.

Google emotional abuse. Women's Aid articles etc. I bet he's doing more than you think.

Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Are you being accused of having affairs etc? Does he sulk?

Google lovebombing too. Trauma bombing.

He will get worse. They're like Dracula. The longer you're with them, the harder it is to get out. Can you keep a log of his behaviour safely out of reach? It's probably more often and worse than you know.

Good luck. You deserve better and a leopard never changes his spots.

Everything will be fine as long as he gets his way, you do what he wants and defer to his wisdom. He isn't a partner. He is a dictator. He doesn't like to be disobey. I'd tell him to kiss my arse.

Anything who says he doesn't like to be disobeyed is potentially someone who would coercively control someone.
That coupled with what his ex's have said equal a huge red flag.
He sounds dangerous.

This. But I wouldn’t be running for the hills, I’d stay right where I was and send him packing with his ridiculous little tail between his pathetic little legs. This kind of little prick needs to properly understand that that power is gone, and it’s never coming back.