Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

The thing is, the majority of emotional abuse will never have been reported. So won't show up on Claires law. Plus, she already has two exs telling her exactly what a Claire law would if they had reported it. So she doesn't need one.

Nevermond the exs surely his own words are gigantic red flags all by themselves.

What does he do when you disobey him or do you find yourself pandering to him?

I would use the knowledge you have from his exes and get out now.

He's telling you not to disobey him, how much clearer does it have to be before you listen?

I'm sure he was nice to them at the start as well.

What happens if you disobey him?

Run. Honestly, run. The only man who used the word disobey to me was extremely violent culminating in strangling me. I got away.

I didn't listen to warnings from exes either.

I guess the answer to your question is, if you read this as a post someone else had put on MN what would your reaction be ? There seem to be at least 3 red flags, 2 exs and the word “disobeyed”. Sadly, controlling / abusive people can’t change , no matter how much we think it will be different for us, and often the signs are subtle initially but build over time.

Perhaps think about your behaviour in the last 12 months around him - Have you unconsciously adapted behaviour so you don’t upset him or “disobey” him to keep the peace ? Have any of your friends taken a step back or you don’t get to see them as much ? Have you been persuaded to dress differently / change your make up ? Who makes all the decisions about where / when you go out as a couple or individually ? ……………..

I suspect you probably have already worked out an answer for yourself but are seeking reassurance by posting on MN ? Time to step away

Are you actually serious? Two of his ex's have told you the exact same thing and he needs to be obeyed? Do you really need to be told that this is not a good man.
Out of interest- what happens when you don't obey your master?

This.

I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

JFC, op. What more do you need to hear? Your judgement must be very, very poor for you to still be with this man after a comment like that.

Not true. There are many examples of women whose male partners haven't shown their true colours for considerably longer than that. And many abused women realise they've suffered the 'boiled frog' syndrome and hadn't fully realised how his coercive control insidiously ramped up.

It also depends on whether and how long they've lived together.

And this kind of condescending belittling language is exactly what he'll be saying to the OP and she's probably heard in her childhood. You're just cementing his hold over her.

OP, yes, I would believe them.

You would be foolish to ignore this. The man is an abuser.

If you don't believe the exes and don't believe posters here, it's an easy one to test isn't it.

Just 'disobey' him a couple of times and let him show you himself.

I'd be more concerned by what he's said himself. "Doesn't like to be disobeyed," is quite sinister. It would be impossible to say from your post whether his ex-girlfriends' claims of emotional abuse are to be trusted, but if they're independently saying similar things I'd take them very seriously.

Get out now

Huge massive red flags here hon, one ex saying this would have me worried, two would have me running for the hills, but in your situation I'd not have got to the exes tbh as he'd have been kicked to the curb for the disobeying comment. Get out girl! 💐

Yes, this first reply nails it. A partner is not there to be obeyed.

Well as long as you don't disobey him then all should be good. 🤨 seriously I would laugh right in his face if he said that to me and ask him who the fuck he thinks he is urgh sack him off because he sounds like a right cock

doesn't like to be 'disobeyed'

Run. I had an ex who used those words a few times and I ignored it as he was mostly really nice. Took me SEVEN years to realize the control and emotional abuse I was under. It creeps up. You wake up one day and realize WTF have I been doing?? That "one day" is usually around the time you get married or have kids. Luckily, in my case, the abuse ramped up after we got married but before I got pregnant. So I left.

Sometime in middle of the divorce I asked him how the hell he thought he could treat me like that? His words: "well, I didn't think you would leave, we're married now."

You'd be an absolute fool to ignore it.

My ex was never physically abusive towards me., not the first year or second..

By 3rd year he was emotionally and mentally abusive.

4th year he kicked me because I wouldn't run him a bath after he hadn't been home for two days.

First time he slapped me was because I cried.

Second time he slapped me, I slapped the bastard right back and walked away.

Do the same now before you waste anymore time with him.

Be concerned. "Disobey" is a huge red flag.

FTR, my ExH was one of these men.

If i 'disobeyed' i'd get screamed at and threatened, and told what an awful excuse for a person i was.

Current guy, if i 'disobey' him he just shakes his head at me, laughs, gives me a hug and calls me trouble.

I really doubt it would be outing if you said how he was abusive. There are 4 billion men in the world, and you could be in any country.

doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

nope.