Two of his exs have said the same thing. Would you ignore it?

[NooninJune]

I have found out that two exs of my partner have claimed that he was abusive towards them. They have not told me directly and it could be outing if I say how. Apparently it was emotional/psychology etc 'didn't leave visible marks' iyswim.

We have been together for a year and he has never been abusive towards me, although I have noticed that he does like things his way and doesn't like to be 'disobeyed' (his words).

Should I be concerned by what his exs have said? Or do I stay with him and judge him by my own experience of him?

Honestly? I ignored the ‘bonkers exes’.

Don’t.

I wish I hadn't ignored my stbxh telling me that he needed to be obeyed. Turns out that it took me 20 years to get away from the emotional, physical and sexual abuse and rape. I mean I guess I'm lucky to be alive but I have severe ptsd and have been under the psychiatric home treatment team for being suicidal.

Oh and he often used to joke about wanting to sleep with my best friend. Turns out he was. Or as he put it well you should know the truest things are said in jest.

Trouble is that she is in love with a man who is utterly wonderful and all round amazing 99% of the time.

No doubt he has been charm itself to her, dropping the odd indication (the disobeying thing) in the shit sandwich of Charm/Arsehole/Charm. He might be a bit moody occasionally, but we all have bad days, right? So the OP wants to believe the loving him, who says it is all ridiculous. That they really are crazy exes who are just jealous and bitter.

Thats what they do. Thats how so many women, myself included, end up with abusive men. They dont start out abusive, they can keep a lid on it for a very long time as long as they are happy but when it starts, and the reason why is not always clear, it gets worse very quickly. Then the fear of what he will do makes leaving harder and then we are trapped. Scared to stay but too terrified to leave. The OP is currently standing on the very edge of venus fly trap, within 6 months it will have snapped over her and she will be desperately wondering how the hell to get out.

Yes, op will have convinced herself that these exes are bitter because her dp can't possibly be what they are making him out to be. He's so lovely amd charming most of the time.

His type know how it works, and he will be on his best behaviour now. Occasionally, he'll show flashes of rage, justified because òf some imaginary misdeamour by the op, because.its always someone else's fault.

The pot is on, but OP is barely simmering, so isn't registering any danger signs.

I'm so sorry to hear this @ScaredAndPanicky .

These people are without a soul, and barely human.

Doesn’t like to be disobeyed?

Bye then. No way I would spend a minute longer with top dog.

But it’s all ok because ‘doesn’t like to be disobeyed’ isn’t as bad as it sounds svd it’s something to laugh about apparently 🤦‍♀️

Do you know his exes, or can you get in contact with them?

Ask them. Tell them about what he said. About not liking to be disobeyed. And how he laughed about the advice you were getting from women who've suffered men like him.

Find out from them what happened. And listen, as you are not listening here.

Because they are not crazy. They are not just out to sabotage your relationship. They are not jealous (and he will say all that about them).

Their past is going to be your future.

Phew! Am glad he thinks it’s funny. All is good then! He definitely sounds like a keeper 🙄

I would listen .

OP, it’s very hard to believe what they are saying because he isn’t like that with you right?
so of course you are thinking, it must be them aswell, or maybe he has changed.

If I were you I’d just keep an eye on things because I think it’s fair to say that every single woman on here who has experienced this has done the same as you. Excused everything away. Because they don’t start out abusive at all.
maybe there’s the odd little thing here and there start to crop up but then he’s lovely again and you just put it down to how he is, and that he doesn’t mean it like that.

its a year in. It’s now that his mask will likely start to slip. Honestly it’s pretty much textbook with men like this. So just keep an eye out.
i honestly don’t think they go into a relationship knowing they will be abusive. And they aren’t, until things start not going their way all the time.
If abusive men started a relationship being abusive, women wouldn’t fall for them.

I expect he tells you you are not like anyone he’s ever dated. Those others simply didn’t ‘get him’ like you do. He’s probably even mentioned you being his soul mate.

jyst please keep an eye out for those little moments that just don’t feel right.
If he does have a pattern of behaviour that his exs have described, it will start to show ever so slightly and just get worse and worse. Think boiling frog analogy.

The easiest indication of whether he will be abusive is to disagree with him on something. Say no to something. And more than once. If it really irks him, then unfortunately that’s not a good sign. If he’s absolutely fine with your refusal, understands, doesn’t make you feel bad or worried about saying no, then that’s good.
but listen to his reaction.
and take notice of his actions not his words.
Good luck.

This is a very good post and you mention something important- that abusers don't see themselves as abusers or even intend to be abusive. They have usually been brought up around other abusers, they don't change without often years of therapy to unpick their thoughts and behaviours. They rarely have the insight to seek this therapy and resist the court required stuff.

None of that ultimately is relevant OP. It's ok for you to keep yourself safe. I'm writing this wondering about the reliability of this frankly but maybe someone else will read this thread today who really needs to read it.

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Laughter after such a serious allegation doesn’t seem the appropriate reaction. An innocent man would plead his innocence emphatically.

Please, please read up on this before you are seriously hurt. Not one emotionally abusive man will admit to having behaved appallingly, let alone use the word abusive. He is NOT the person to ask. Of course he's going to make light of it. Laughing about it is an attempt to ridicule it and gaslight you. A decent man would be horrified and sincerely try to explain why it was rubbish.

You may not be in line for a beating at any point in time. We have no way of knowing. I hope you're not. I was never hit. BUT I ended up trapped for decades and literally wishing he would somehow die or just hit me so I could unscramble my head and give myself permission to get out.

Read Lundy Bancroft. Please. And get as much information as you can. If you don't recognise anything that you learn about, fine. File it in your mind because you WILL need it one day. And I very much hope you don't have years of emotional abuse by then to process and recover from. Or worse, that you're not around to recover at all.

@NooninJune Remember this. Being abused is like being a frog on the stove in cold water with the dial turned on high. By the time you realize what is happening, and you realize what he is doing to you, the water will be boiling, and it will be much harder to jump out.

Staying out of the pot in the first place is your way to stay safe.

Abusive men don't think they are abusive, they are too entitled for that. They may understand that society disapproves but they don't actually think they are doing anything wrong, you are their possession to do with as they please and you will obey.

Why would you take the word of a man accused of being abusive over the reports of two previous partners?

I do hope it works out well for you but I don't think that's likely.

As another poster said, the women of MN we will be here when you need us. Take care.

You don't think it's as serious as it sounds because he laughed about it?
FGS
You also asked on here and pretty much everyone warned you.
You also know that 2 of his exes said he was abusive.

But he laughs so you believe him.

Do you have children? Fair enough if you want to ignore the warnings and take a risk if it's just you, but if you have children you need to consider them in this and what might be in store.

I’d be tempted to ask the ex’s for more details and early signs….