Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I'm sorry you're going through tough times, but it's your responsibility to live within your means here. This guy has no responsibility to you as far as I can see. You sound like you expect a sugar daddy set up which he's obviously not comfortable with. It's certainly not financial abuse.

Sorry, no. He doesn’t owe you anything.
What would you do without his help?

No it doesn't sound like financial abuse. He could be fed up of the amount you are requiring from him, so often. It's not sustainable.

Yabu, this is not financial abuse. Your boyfriend, who you neither live with nor share children with, is under no obligation to pay your bills.

And this bit, "He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading" is outrageous.

You're manipulating him when you tell him you won't eat/stay warm/have a roof over your head if he doesn't give you more money. He isn't financially responsible for you.

You need to sort out your own benefits/job and stop taking the piss out of him.

If anyone is being financially abused here, it certainly isn't you.

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult financial position, it must be really hard. However you need to find a way to sort out your finances without depending on your DP. Supporting you in the way you expect sounds incredibly financially draining. I can understand that your DP simply does not have enough money to keep up with your multiple financial demands. Could you apply for any benefits such as Universal credit if you are based in the UK? Best of luck.

Also OP, you should really look up some real stories of financial abuse. They are harrowing. After that, get the head down with getting a handle on your own finances and the way you view them, you seem to think they're something totally outside of your control. They're not. You do need to work to keep them under control though. And realise that you can't have everything you want.

Yes, this does sound like financial abuse. You are manipulating him into giving you his money when he has no financial obligation to you whatsoever. You are then gaslighting him by acting as though him giving you money is preventing you from managing your own finances effectively.

So how much money has he given you?

How much have you paid back?

What’s your long term plan to finance your needs?

How much money in your opinion should he be giving you?

If someone tells you this is financial abuse, then what?

I really don’t think this real but I’ll ask the questions

Wow, I am seriously shocked at some of the very rude & judgmental replies. I tried my best to write a summary of the situation, but maybe didn't put it across well enough.

whatevss - I don't think the term "boyfriend" is appropriate. He is not a boy, he is a man in his 50s and I am in my 40s. And No, I am not manipulating him by being honest with him. If anybody is taking the piss, it is him taking the piss out of me. I do have a job thank you. He has assets and savings of approx £1.5 million and I am destitute. I don't really think that is a fair or equal partnership and your opinion is a bit twisted.

You are a long distance gf, not a wife, mother of his children or from the sounds of it, engaged to be married. You are not his responsibility, honestly it almost sounds like when lonely people get romance scammed with how often he seems to be helping

Have you claimed UC? Considered a payee position which is more secure than your self employment? It's down to you to look after you, not a long distance boyfriend with no real commitment.

You can turn your boiler off, we do when we run out of oil in spring. Its not cold, we boil the kettle for hot water, it's not that much of a hardship until October time

That's the thing though, it's HIS money. He doesn't owe you a red cent of it. Why do you feel he does? You have no joint obligations from what you've written.

And it doesn't matter a jot what ages you both are 🤔

I couldn't match your thread title with what you said has been happening. You are being rediculous.

From what you have said, it appears that you are the one that has been taking advantage of your 'partner'.

I'm sure if he told a friend about your requests for money and that he is making you a beneficiary of his will, they would be telling him to drop you like a hot potato.

You have obviously forgotten how to pay bills on your own. You need to stop treating him like a sugar daddy and stand on your own two feet. You did it before you met him so you can do it again.

I have similar assets… am I financially abusing you because I haven’t given you any money?

I have always been very independent
... and yet ...
I have become completely dependant on him financially.

I generally have to ask / beg for his help ...
He has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left.
Is this financial abuse?

I honestly thought you were asking if you were the financial abuser. What on earth are you playing at?

This man set you back on your feet after life knocked you down. That was kind of him. As a self-described independent woman, you then proceeded to depend on him for such basics as food, rent and fuel. Why have you developed no other sources of income during this time? Your business can't even feed you, therefore it is not a business and you aren't self-employed. You're sponging off a man while pursuing a hobby.

I know how ghastly it is to face eviction (happened to me twice) but what's this about being unable to raise a deposit? You'll get your current deposit refunded, won't you?

Find out what benefits you may be entitled to, apply for them, and investigate hardship grants; there are many different bodies with an interest in single women, perhaps some for your health condition and your chosen line of work. If in the UK, make an appointment with the CAB.

Your snide reference to the man's new chainsaw beggars belief. Do you not think he should spend any of his own money on himself?

Pull your socks up.

You need to realise that it's his money to spend on what he likes. He doesn't owe you a living. And so far has been very generous

You run the risk of losing your boyfriend if you don't start helping yourself Seems you have got a bit too comfortable and entitled

This is ridiculous. His money is nothing to do with you. You are in no way entitled to a single penny.
You need to get yourself sorted out because frankly he isn’t going to hang around long if you keep demanding money off him. If he was a friend or family member of mine I’d be suggesting he run for the hills as he is being massively taken advantage of.
It is honestly wild that you thought people would say you were being financially abused!

As a self-described independent woman, you then proceeded to depend on him for such basics as food, rent and fuel. Why have you developed no other sources of income during this time? Your business can't even feed you, therefore it is not a business and you aren't self-employed. You're sponging off a man while pursuing a hobby.
This. Mn seems to be full of self-employed people who aren't making any money who seem incredulous that other people/the state won't fund them to live and do.their hobby!

Ah yes. Well its very very identifying in real life...

If I had been in a relationship with you for 4.5 years and I am struggling financially with zero stability or security, then Yes, you would be .

If you shared children, he would have a responsibility to compensate you for lost earnings. You aren’t in that scenario.

if you have direct costs to being in the relationship, it is fair to have a discussion about those. Do you have travel expenses? Do you try to socialize beyond your means in order to meet him at his level? Does having him visit your home cause you expense that is not sufficiently offset by the time you spend visiting his? Those type of expenses shouldn’t be stretching your budget. Four years in, the two of you should be able to discuss how to make sure the relationship doesn’t hurt you financially.

your description though is asking him to simply rescue you from a string of bad luck. He isn’t your spouse. You aren’t a joint economic unit.

you may need to consider that self-employment isn’t working at the moment and seek other solutions

He doesn't have any family and neither do I.

If you can’t afford rent for a whole house what about a house share/being a lodger?

Have you been to the CAB to check what you’re entitled to and financial advice?