Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

if that’s what you think he’s doing, end the relationship and provide for yourself.

What with buying a £3000 chainsaw when he is apparently broke, I doubt it

The sanctimonious preaching about financial prudence from someone whose business cannot meet their basic living costs is laughable, to say the least.

As previously explained, it's a name from the West Wing. I'm a woman, have a child, and have the stitches to prove it. Incidentally, I don't think it would matter if I was male or female in my answers to your questions. I'll ask my H tomorrow.

OP, you still haven't answered my questions.

How far apart do you both live? Are you even in the same country?

How often do you physically see each other?

Why are you not telling us?

I couldn't read the whole of the opening post I'm afraid. What on earth makes you think you are entitled to his financial support? He's not your husband.

You need to sort out your circumstances without his financial input.

Succinct and fabulous 😍

Sure you do 😜

Well you certainly don't bud!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

This thread is so crazy, that I'm hooked!

It's great craic 😂

I’m a woman, have children and left their father because he actually was financially (and emotionally) abusive.

You are not being financially abused.

Lucky you. Is that supposed to make me jealous.

Christ I am seriously astonished by all of the rude judgmental little fingers being wagged.

Go to bed .

Yet you take his money????

I replied to you with reasons that I'm not a man. Not supposed to make you feel anything.

Your relationship is not an equal partnership...you have been financially reliant on this man for years and not done anything realistic to change your circumstances,other than expect him to financially support you

If your self employed business is still not working for you after all of these years, its time to look for different employment. If living alone is now unaffordable for you, look into house shares to get yourself out of the financial hole.

You try and claim that you are financially independent but that couldnt be further from the truth . You dont live together or share dependents, this man should not be expected to fund your life. And you dont even see that is what you expect, you just think you are entitled to his money when it is nothing to do with you.

This has made me extremely angry as a child of a financial abuse situation. My mother went through absolute hell. And OP, for whatever reason, is trying to minimise what financial abuse actually is. It's not enough money for food, or clothes, or heating, or bus fare to work. So OP, whatever your issues, you need to cop on and realise you're taking the absolute piss here. IDK if if you're genuine, or just an arsehole, but you really should think about what you're posting.

And another one who hasn't read my post properly - I need 6 months rent upfront to secure a property.

I did read you properly. The first time I was facing homelessness - for similar reasons to your own, from the little you've shared - I found a landlord who'd rent to me with six months' rent upfront. I raised that with some difficulty, paid it, lived in the flat while trying to start my business (getting top-ups from UC and housing benefit) and the landlord then wanted her place back.

This time I was homeless but, and here's my point, I got my deposit back including the six months' rent. Eventually found another landlord who wanted six months upfront, rinse and repeat. This one also chucked me out after a few years to renovate, homeless again but, thank goodness, I managed to get a HA flat which is where I am now.

Throughout this time I was claiming various benefits as well as doing my own work. I had to resign my clients several years ago now, due to worsening health, and I've been excruciatingly poor at times. One winter in the place that needed renovating, the inside of my fridge was warmer than the kitchen! I applied for a heating grant, so the sodding landlord got a brand-new central heating system thanks to my poverty.

Over the period I've described, I was awarded three grants including the central heating. They were all tremendously helpful, as you can imagine. There were some hard years, especially in the ramshackle house, but I don't think I was any harder up than you. I definitely didn't have to beg some bloke for cash to buy food.

Lots of people do this. Boo-hoo all you like, then ask yourself whether there's more dignity in grovelling as you do.

This is not financial abuse. I can see this isnt the answer you want though- so look at it this way, either he has no financial obligations towards you (true) or he is financially abusive ( not true). Either way your best way out is employment that means you can pay your bills. Have you thought about this, looked at jobs?
I am a woman since you are questioning posters sex.

Yawn. Get a real job and stand on your own two feet. Ridiculous

Serious question, but have you even met each other or is this some sort of "online" relationship.

If you have, how often and where do you see each other, how far is the long distance?

I'm guessing if you are that hard up you can't be travelling to see him all that much, or do you think he should be paying all your travel costs as well?

So your married, but apparently i'm the sponger? That's an odd way of thinking.

Have been independent and managed to support myself my entire life, with no help whatsoever, or any handouts or child benefits paid by the taxpayer, yet I am apparently unwilling to take responsibility for myself. Yeah Ok.

Seriously some people seem to just be unable to cope with the thought of a single woman living alone.

Fucking hell.

So immature it’s unreal.

I hope this man ends this relationship soon.

Have been independent and managed to support myself my entire life, with no help whatsoever, or any handouts or child benefits paid by the taxpayer, yet I am apparently unwilling to take responsibility for myself. Yeah Ok.

Why would you need child benefit I thought you don't have children?

My being married does not equal being a sponger. I got married because we wanted to get married.

Do you know what, you are all absolutely right. I am just a worthless, useless, pointless person. He would be much better off without me in his life. I might just leave him to count all of his money and play with his chainsaw. Then one day, i'm sure he will be the richest man in the graveyard.