Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

@Teenagehorrorbag Some of this was explained in the OP's posts (see 'All').

The rest- well, hell will freeze over long before she makes any effort to answer any real questions .

There are over 900 posts asking a lot of what you have but she won't reply.

Just fairly epic levels of entitlement and arrogance going by her posts.

Or just trolling us

OMG- this wasn't a 'begging' thread was it and none of us have tumbled?

The OP reads like a scam letter tbf

It doesn't sound far fetched at all, much as it pains me to point it out, I've seen this happen before.

The letter goes to the property the tenant is living in, because as far as the mortgage co. are concerned there is no tenant, the mortgage holder lives there.

There's plenty of actual bs to refute here without posters trying to engineer more!

But the mortgage provider, if they were writing to the owner, would address it to them- not the 'occupier' surely?

What you've said doesn't make sense.

And who would have told them it was being rented out against the mortgage contract?

I hope OP makes a second thread to answer everything she’s ignored….

I was honestly going to post more info about the chainsaw incident and other things, just in a final attempt to help you to all to understand and broaden your minds, but there is literally only one poster, maybe 2 who deserve any further info.... The rest of you bullies have ruined it....

Unless the majority response changes, there is no reason for me to use up any more of what little precious, valuable time and energy I have. I do however understand that breaking down your massively over-inflated egos and deluded god complex views must be very difficult for you. I really do have every empathy for you all. God Bless 😂

Op, you've had a really hard go of it with your illness and the house, it's really unfair. I do empathize with you a lot and I hope things get better for you soon.

OP, I do not think you are being financially abused. I think over time your judgement has been clouded to think that this behaviour (from both of you) is normal, almost like you have been institutionalized. Your partner has helped you for many years now, and maybe it is time to stand on your own two feet- it could be liberating! You need to find a different job for starters. Where there is a will there is a way.. I have worked 3 jobs at a time before, never borrowed a penny. Good luck.

I was honestly going to post more info about the chainsaw incident

We are so disappointed.

Always the victim and never your fault

Agree I’ve seen this happen too and if the agents have let the property without the proper consents, that’s unfortunate but the OP has no real recourse against them - she’s still going to need a new place to live. Some agents are useless - I know of one instance where they marketed a property without checking the person instructing actually owned the property. Saying that, when I sold mine, I don’t think they asked for verification that I was the owner either, but obviously i was. So I can definitely imagine that happening.
Anyway, why would someone want to be evicted and move around rental properties? It’s not like there’s much in it for the OP.

😱

Deserve?
😂😂😂

I'm really sorry that you feel like this. There are plenty of other threads on MN where OP's ask a question or request advice, PP's respond and the OP receives a selection of views which hopefully will help them

In this particular case, and I readily accept that unfortunately this does happen all too frequently, the OP has asked AIBU, PP's have responded with honesty and the OP has been disappointed that she hasn't received the answer she has hoped for and has reacted in an angry way

Can I suggest that you look at the specific subjects you're interested in . . . you're likely to see a totally different view of MN

Oh no, we're missing out on more info bullshit.

Whatever shall we do? 🤔🙄

OP. You are just coming across as having major MH issues and it feels like the system massively let you down.

I’ve not enjoyed reading this at all (and I think most posters would agree) life has truly kicked you, and that sucks.

But you are not being financially abused. If anything, you’re being helped. You’re just clearly an intelligent, educated person who isn’t used to needing to ask. You need to reframe your situation and try something new to get where you are more comfortable.

Genuinely hope you catch a break soon. It must be shit and exhausting to be so angry at everything and everyone.

💐

(Edited for typos and clarification.)

Yes, you really do sound like the sort of woman who could be subjugated and abused at a long distance by some bloke who has spent his life living with his parents and who buys a chainsaw for himself as a treat. Good luck, you need it, you very deluded person.

Well there is if he keeps setting her up new homes.

plenty of people enjoy moving into a new property. Especially if it’s an upgrade in the last one.

Has anyone reported it? Because troll threads get taken down or people accusing others of being a troll.

They're not childish!

You have no joint assets or obligations

Anything he's given you so far has been a generous gift.

You are really owed absolutely nothing.

There's no such thing as "the chainsaw incident" the man can spend his money however he pleases. You aren't his dependent.

You sounds like a leech.