Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

A 'relationship' doesn't come at a cost in financial terms. I think there's another name for that and it's illegal. You seem to think he owes you money and you haven't as yet given any reason as to why. You've also wonderfully glossed over any suggestions that you might take charge of your own finances. So you really can't expect any sympathy.

He doesn't have any family and neither do I.
This is one of the best examples of spectacularly missing the point I’ve ever seen.

If you are in such a committed relationship why not move in with him? You're self employed therefore (usually) able to work wherever, you have no family ties, you're about to be homeless anyway. If your relationship is that committed that you expect him to support you financially that's the logical step surely?

It's also a bit chilling.
" He doesn't have any family so therefore there should be no objection to my draining the financial life right out of him"

Oh see and I just thought you chose people who you think should support you at random. I mean no kids, no marriage, no commitment…I was afraid I was guilty too.

Whew!

And another one who hasn't read my post properly - I need 6 months rent upfront to secure a property.

Yes I have become financially dependent on him and have only just realised that that is exactly what his intention was. And as for the chainsaw, when your "girlfriend" is struggling to afford basic living costs, it's not really very nice to deprive them of food or heating and then blatantly brag about buying a £3000 chainsaw. I am sure there are much cheaper chainsaws available, and surely any level headed person would not buy a sodding £3000 chainsaw if their savings had run out.

Lots of people on here also seem to have little understanding of self-employment and seem to think it is a "hobby". I can't do anything about your ignorance.

A lot of people also seem to be offended by there being no children together. I can't have children unfortunately.

Carry on with your insulting and pointless remarks. They are entertaining if nothing else, but I see no point in trying to explain myself any further.

Does this ring any bells with you, @Mochachoc? Dependent personality disorder. You don't seem to realise just how far from normal your expectations are. Help is available.

If you feel he 'made' you dependent on him (and that's a bit of a stretch from what you've written here) then you need to distance yourself from him. Not try and get further enmeshed with someone you say is an abuser.

OP, so you are in a long distance relationship. How far apart do you live and how often do you physically meet up?

After four years, why aren't you sharing a home? What is there to stop you if you both don't have family to worry about and especially when you lost your own house. If you moved in together surely it would solve all your problems. Or is it you want the cash but not the man?

I am sure there are much cheaper chainsaws available, and surely any level headed person would not buy a sodding £3000 chainsaw if their savings had run out

If his savings have run out, then he can't lend you any money.

Yes I have become financially dependent on him and have only just realised that that is exactly what his intention was

How would he benefit from this state of affairs? Time to cut yourself off from this terrible man.

And he didn't deprive you of food etc. it was always your own responsibility to feed yourself. FFS!

Is self employment really self employment if you’re not making any money from it?

Yes I’m giving you a hard time because this is absolutely delusional. He has not made you dependent on him instead you seem to have abdicated your responsibility for providing for yourself (unless of course you are a fiction writer and this market research) in favor of relying on someone who you are casually in a relationship with.

He hasn’t “deprived” you of anything. 🙄
How are you not completely ashamed to be posting this? There are so many single mothers on here working multiple jobs to support their families with no financial help from anyone.

No it isn't financial abuse to not give another adult whatever money they think they deserve whenever they want. If you lived together and you were trapped at home with children and he was withholding money, that is financial abuse. If he took control of the money YOU earned then that would be financial abuse. Not handing over his own money is fine.

I am self employed (as is my partner), have been for 13 years. We have had periods after illnesses, or having children, or due to overwhelm and burnout where we have earned less, but we applied for UC while we recovered, I didn't expect my rich family members to bankroll me. And we never made so little we couldn't eat or make rent, if we had got to that point, well, we would have got regular payee jobs instead.

If your business isn't making enough money to cover the basics then it isn't viable

Also, no one is offended you don't have kids. We're pointing out that he literally has zero financial obligation to you (which he would if you had children or were married)

He definitely isn't financially abusing you. He has been very generous but he is not obliged to keep bailing you out. You need to sort out your own finances and stop trying on hand outs from him.

If you cannot cover your week to week living expenses, you have several fair options.

• get a better-paid job
• get a second job
• reduce your expenses by moving somewhere cheaper, decreasing spending
• review your benefit entitlements to see if you can get more government support
• reach out to a foodbank for assistance

Sponging off a long-distance boyfriend and crying financial abuse if he refuses to keep sharing his money with you is not a fair option.

Boo hoo

Possibly because the boyfriend has his head screwed on.

Wow, really showing your true colours now.

On the off-chance that is real, this is not financial abuse. You need to get help with your finances. Hi to the council and ask for help with a deposit. Apply for UC and apply for a PAYE job.

It was you who started the 'woe is me' thread, remember? Boo hoo to you too.

You’re a delight.
I simply can’t understand why he hasn’t asked you to move in with him or get married.

Aww g’night @Mochachoc I think this thread won’t be around in the morning. So better luck next time (in sugar daddies and threads!)