Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

I don’t think anyone is offended at a lack of children. It is simply an acknowledgement that having children costs women money, even if they are the higher earner. That is the primary justification for men needing to subsidize women’s income, because they don’t suffer the same negative economic consequences from children born into the relationship.

how did this jump from him helping you with money to him wanting you to be dependent?

Are you the bf? 🤣🤣

Whether we live together / are engaged/married/have children or not, most partnerships/relationships are equal and share fairly when times are tough for one or the other.

I personally see our relationship as a partnership/team, however it is becoming apparent to me that he maybe does not see things that way and is being selfish, greedy, controlling and demeaning, treating me like a lesser person.

I think a lot of the replies are extremely unjust and judgmental, assuming just because he has money and I am in financial difficulty that I must be some evil gold digger. Very childish responses.

No, being a woman and all that. But I don't see that a man should take responsibility for someone who seemingly is unwilling to take responsibility for herself. I can't imagine it's all that attractive to hitch oneself to a sponger.

I just just joking because your username is a male name, totally agree with you btw!

I think a lot of the replies are extremely unjust and judgmental

As is your assessment of your DP's behaviour.

You are essentially saying 'i want this man to bankroll me' for no apparent reason. Most people would see that as completely, entirely, MASSIVELY unreasonable.

It's a West Wing reference 😂

Can’t resist…

What do you bring to this equal partnership @Mochachoc ?

I personally see our relationship as a partnership/team, however it is becoming apparent to me that he maybe does not see things that way and is being selfish, greedy, controlling and demeaning, treating me like a lesser person.

So what are you bringing to the table exactly?

Oh snap 😁

I personally see our relationship as a partnership/team

I bet you do 😂

You're not his wife, you don't have children together, live together or have any shared expenses. You're not entitled to his money.

If he died tomorrow, guess who's getting his money? Not you.

You're a single woman and need to take responsibility for yourself. Get a job. Get a houseshare. Get some self-respect.

I personally see our relationship as a partnership/team, however it is becoming apparent to me that he maybe does not see things that way

Partnerships are called partnerships because both partners bring fair value to the relationship. That value can come in many forms, and can tip one way or the other over time, but in general for a partnership to work, there has to be a balance of value.

What value exactly are you bringing to the partnership? To be honest it sounds more like you are his dependent than his partner. What are you giving him that he’s not also giving you?

and is being selfish, greedy, controlling and demeaning, treating me like a lesser person.

Frankly, if even a little of this contempt you have for him comes across in how you speak to him, I wouldn’t be surprised that he has become reluctant to keep funding you.

He has never married or lived with a partner and lived with his parents until they passed away and still lives in the same property. I don't think he has any desire to live together as he is used to living alone. I honestly don't think I would want to move in with him anyway, as I suspect he might be extremely controlling to live with.

I also am very used to living on my own and kind of prefer it that way.

We live quite a long distance apart at the moment. I might try again to talk to him about the situation. I cannot go on with relationship being cap in hand like a child all the time, as is affecting my mental health. I have only recently just tried to communicate how I feel about this, so will give him the benefit of the doubt for now, but after reading several financial abuse threads on here recently, it has opened my eyes a bit and made me realise his intentions towards me might not be sincere.

😂

I suspect he might be extremely controlling to live with.

Wow, that is some next-level projection 😂

I cannot go on with relationship being cap in hand like a child all the time, as is affecting my mental health.

Interesting that your solution to this is for him to give you more money without you having to tell him why, rather than to find means of supporting yourself rather than just living off of him.

Why on earth do you think he should be giving you anything? If you're genuine, you need to pull your head out of your arse STAT.

It sounds as though the relationship could have run its course. I can't see financial abuse here but you've mentioned being unwell. I think when life has kicked us we can struggle to see rationally.

It doesn't really sound like you like him much at the moment and it doesn't sound like he wants the level of commitment where he supports you financially. I think you need to make a plan of how to support yourself and consider ending things. You may need to get an employed position so you can fund things, look into UC and you certainly need to make sure you sort your housing situation as it sounds as though you may struggle to rent another place right now.

I'm sorry life is tough now.

The answer to not feeling like a child and going to him ‘cap in hand’ would be to stop acting like a child expecting him to fund your whole life, and sort out your own circumstances. What’s the plan if (when) he wises up and ends the relationship?

You've wiped out the poor blokes savings, just how much have you actually had off him?

What with buying a £3000 chainsaw when he is apparently broke, I doubt it.

Lots of the replies are from male usernames. What is it with selfish, entitled men who think they can have whatever they want and treat their partners like second class citizens, whilst they squirell money away and expect their partner to worship them like gods.

Yes definitely financial abuse. He is a very bad man and you definitely didn't deserve him to lavish free cash on you in such a demeaning way.

You need to VERY FIRMLY refuse to ponce another penny off him. Do not weaken. That will teach him.

(Why is 2am the witching hour for this guff?)

I have no desire to be with a manchild who uses his money to dominate.

And if you are suffering with your mental health, you have my sympathy (it sucks), but fleecing some guy is not the answer. Get yourself into some sort of treatment/ therapy. Get some meds even. But wheedling money out of men won't bring you happiness.