Is this Financial Abuse or AIBU?

[Mochachoc]

I have been in a long-distance relationship for about 4 years. Not married and no children. Partner is very financially secure, has no mortgage and has lived in the same property his entire life, which he inherited when his parents passed away. He has never married and has no children. He has also recently inherited another property. He works and is self-employed, although semi-retired.

I have always been very independent and always owned my own home, until a few years ago when I fell into financial difficulties as a result of health problems. He has helped me financially and has been extremely generous, kind and supportive towards me and I would have ended up homeless without his support, as he provided the funds for me to move to a rented property.

I am self-employed, but my income is very small currently, mainly due to health problems and also having to start again from scratch. I have no savings, or financially security and have become completely dependant on him financially. I am trying to work towards owning my own home again and regaining my independence and security, but realistically that may be a few years away.

He helps me with money whenever I need, for things like food and essential bills when I am short, but I generally have to ask / beg for his help, which I hate doing as I find it humiliating and degrading. I have always been very grateful and appreciative to him for his support.

Sometimes I have asked him to help with a specific amount and have to explain to him what the money is needed for, but sometimes he will only help with half, or less than half of what I need, which leaves me constantly scrimping and scraping and unable to ever have any luxury, or be able to relax and I am left constantly worrying about running out of money and having to ask him for more. This is also putting me into further debt, hindering my own ability to earn and re-build any financial security for myself and I am effectively living in poverty, unable to save anything and seem to be unable to move forward to improve my future.

I am so dependent on his financial support and would be homeless without the help he does provide.

I have tried to communicate with him about this, which I think he does understand, but nothing seems to change. Sometimes he will reassure me that he will always look after me financially, but sometimes if I ask for more money he tells me he cannot afford it.

I recently ran out of heating oil and no money for food shopping or basic essentials and he told me no, he cannot help me at the moment, as he has just had to pay out thousands of pounds for his annual property / car insurance etc. He also stated that he has used all of his savings on me and has nothing left, but had previously assured me that it was no problem for him to help. So I never quite know where I stand.

I am also being evicted from my rental due to landlord selling up. Because of my extremely bad credit rating, I will need 6 months rent upfront to move home, plus security deposit and other moving costs, which I simply cannot raise that sort of money by myself. I don't even have access to a credit card for emergencies. He is extremely financially well-off and doesn't seem to care if I become homeless, which has left me feeling incredibly insecure.

He mentioned he would be having a will written to look after me if anything ever happened to him, but seems to not really be bothered that I am struggling. He also mentioned he had brought himself a £3000 chainsaw, but says he cannot currently help me with any money for basic living costs.

I am not sure if he is enjoying the control he has, or if he genuinely doesn't realise my situation.

Is this financial abuse or AIBU?

Well spotted!!! 😁

If he died tomorrow the government would be getting all of his money.... To pay for all of your child benefits

He would be much better off without me in his life.

That's the truth, he would.
Unlikely he'll be the richest man anywhere, though, you've already rinsed him out.

Wouldn't it get a certain amount, and the rest is distributed in the will?

If this is real, and I doubt it is get out there and get a proper job that pays money so you can afford to live and assess what benefits you may leave . This man owes you nothing - more like you have asked him to bail you out multiple times which to his credit (or foolishness) he has done and you are kicking and creaming because he won’t give you more.

It is not financial abuse, not from him.

Your comments are full of self pity.

How would you manage if you didn't have him in your life?

Seriously?

Yes he would be better without somone in his life who sponges off him and accuses him of abuse online. Just imagine him having a nice loving relationship with a mature person who is respectful.

so you expect him to give you at least 3k for six months rent in advance. I’m going on the rent of a place being 500 a month
which is incredibly cheap so it could easily be more if it was in my city it would be at least 1k a month for a shitty crap flat

if you can’t afford to live in a house / flat then your going to have get a room in a shared house or flat

if your self employed and don’t earn enough then you need to get a full time job

Financial abuse was my mam having to scrabble together pennies from the back of the sofa to feed and clothe us. It was the power cutting out because we had no money for the meter. It was the degrading way she would have to beg him for money she contributed to - working part time at a bakery whilst raising his four children. It was her giving up a secure career in nursing to have his children and being thanked with the most unbelievable meanness and greed. All whilst he pissed away the money left right and centre on gambling, booze and prostitutes. If this is fake then you are insulting women and children who are actually being financially abused. If it’s real then you are pathologically narcissistic.

I also have had periods of being ill and my wonderful boyfriend (now husband) helped me with my rent and expenses for several months. We had no children and he owed me nothing. The only thing I ever felt was incredible gratitude and a realisation that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The thought of treating him with the kind of derision you treat your boyfriend is unimaginable. I was very happy and relieved to be able to pay back the money he loaned me once I got back on my feet.

Yes, now cough up! You've spoken to OP now.

Exactly.

Little miss 'much wants more' will be in for a shock when the poor bastard breaks free.

I can relate.to this so much, and I'm sorry for your trouble. It's hard to drag yourself out of that 💐

I don’t think that’s the Gotcha you think it is. I read it as simply not having received child benefit presumably because there were no children, not that there were children but no benefits taken.

You REALLY need to look at what you're saying. You could be unintentionally ignorant, or just an awful person. It's up to you what you want to be

The following is from From moneyhelper.org.uk. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like any of this applies.

Spotting the signs of financial abuse
Sometimes it can take a long time to realise you are being financially abused or for you to label what is happening as ‘abuse’. But if you feel uncomfortable about the way that someone you know is behaving with your money, they may be financially abusing you. Our list can help you identify if that is what’s happening.

Financial abuse can be when someone:

forces you to take out money or get credit in your name
makes you hand over control of your accounts - this could include changing your login details
cashes in your pension or other cheques without your permission
adds their name to your account
pressures you to change your will in a way you’re not comfortable with
has offered to buy shopping or pay bills with your money, but takes it, and doesn’t use the money how you agreed
asks you prove what you’ve spent your money on
stops you accessing your bank, loan or credit card accounts
controls what you can and can’t spend your money on
sets up Direct Debits from your account to pay bills which aren’t yours or pay for goods and services which you haven’t bought
pressures you to arrange for your benefits to be paid into a bank account you don’t have access to
pressures you to draw down, transfer or stop making pension payments
makes you take out new insurance policies or stops you paying your existing ones.

It seems like you've become accustomed to him bailing you out and you feel entitled to the money but it's not yours, you're not married, you're entitled to nothing

What can you reasonably do to make more yourself? Nobody is financially abusing you, because nobody is responsible for you apart from you. Where's that independent spirit you said you had gone?

I don't have children and you misunderstood the post.

I've paid plenty of tax since age 15 though, which pays for other peoples child benefits.

Quite regardless of other peoples situations, the definition of financial abuse is that someone is stopping your access (or misusing/controlling) to your finances that you either contributed towards or are entitled to. Examples would be like, a carer not allowing you sufficient money to live off out of your own bank account, a partner not giving you access to your own or joint bank account (that you have contributed to via work or childcare for example).

You can certainly decide that you don’t feel supported by your partner, or feel it is a partnership, due to your partner not supporting you financially in this time. That may mean that this relationship isn’t for you. But it doesn’t mean it’s financial abuse - he isn’t stopping you access to any money that you have contributed to in any way.

Most of us have paid tax?

As someone who has been financially abused, I am aghast that's what you think you are experiencing here.

Your relationship isn't in the place where he should be financially assisting you at all, let alone to the extent that he is, or what you expect. IF you were living together, sure he could support you, because those extra costs wouldn't be £1000s each month, ditto if you were married. But plenty of people don't have the sort of relationship where one partner is generous enough to agree that their partner will not contribute to bills or other household costs and I think you're U to expect him to be paying for your deposit to move, your rent, food or anything else.

If the relationship were in the place where he and ypu were serious enough to live together that would change things significantly, but you're not at that stage it seems.

I think you need to take some responsibility for yourself, if you aren't able to earn enough to support yourself fully, claim benefits and pop yourself down to the council to ask for advice RE somewhere to live.

If you like or love this man, apologise and take responsibility of yourself and continue on without resentment or expectation he's going to pay your way.

If not, move on.

But I can't see anywhere that you can expect him to continue paying for your existence and a second property.

Everyone pays tax that goes towards some services or benefits that they never use themselves. You're not special.