To be put off by this on a first date?

[paybyme]

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

YABU. It’s easier for one to pay and the other to transfer the money.

If you're out off you're put off. No need to disect it. He's not the one.

What's your problem? Splitting the bill is fair.

What’s your “criteria”?

YABU

If you're put off because you paid equally (in the 21st century), then you can't have had as great a time with such good chemistry as you say.

If you did really have a great time, this shouldn't put you off.

If you usually insist on paying your half, then you haven't been put out.

It seems silly to me to drop someone who you get on with so well because they did what you were going to do anyway.

This thread will go to hundred and hundreds of posts, but this post is the nugget.

No it isn’t. It’s literally two taps on the machine. Transfering money involves typing in bank details, often confirming a new payment etc.

I would be annoyed I couldn’t pay for myself, it makes no sense to transfer.

Next date get in there first and tell the waiting staff directly you want to split the bill.

Splitting the bill is normal. What would you have preferred, to have been the one to pay and his to pay you? Maybe you left it too long to suggest and he felt awkward that you weren’t going to pay at all.

Most restaurants allow bill splitting. I would be wondering why he would suggest this as transferring money is a pain to setup a new payee and also slower for him to get the half back.

Did he pay to collect points on his card??

Asking you to split the bill is fine but I'd expect on a first date to pay my half on my credit card not transfer him the money. Transferring the money would lodge as odd (I wouldn't want the bank details of a load of people I'd met for first dates in my online banking app) but I would have said at the time that I wanted the restaurant to let me pay my half. Not sure why it should put you off.

I’d find this off putting but I think you need to be honest (with yourself) if you wanted to pay half then why the problem? Or do you mean that you’d rather he paid, you offered to pay half and he insisted. This is an anonymous forum so there’s no need to pretend you wanted to pay half if you didn’t really. Nb I’d rather they pay, I think it’s generous and I don’t split. If they didn’t offer j would but I only suggest splitting when I didn’t like someone. Perhaps he wasn’t feeling it

Splitting the bill: absolutely fine.

Him making it look to outsiders that he was paying, then asking you to forward him your half: a flag.

I’m happy to split, but what’s wrong with just having the server split the tab?

Sounds like a long convoluted inefficient way to do it.

Apart from not being romantic, it’s cold and transactional. He has shown you who he is, believe him.

Keep it moving and don’t second guess yourself, if this didn’t sit right with you, don’t see him again.

I would be wary of sharing bank details with a stranger. Keep a close eye on your account the next while.

Oh for sure. I'd always offer but I can't remember ever being in a position where they've asked me to split the bill or taken me up on that offer.

Yes - I'd have rather he'd offered to pay. When a man does that, I always get the drinks the next time we meet.

Why wouldn't you? Saves the faffing of actually looking at the bill, you're happy (and expect!) to pay your half, what's your problem?!

But being asked if I'm ok to split, before it's even arrived? It just put me off.

If he was otherwise great, I’d let this go. It’s slim pickings out there from all the dating threads. There’s no reason for him to pay your half at this stage.

I didn't share bank details with him? That's not how transferring money works.

I agree with this. I'd always split the bill, but it's normal to do it there and then in the restaurant - it takes a matter of seconds, you just tell the waiter you'll pay half each and then each tap your card. It's weird and way more faff for you to have to transfer your half later. I don't understand why he suggested that. It feels really gauche, either like he isn't used to going to restaurants, or that he wanted it to appear like he was paying it all (but why??? To who??).

Lol, this.
It also means he is able to pay on a credit card if he wants, but you can't. Which is inconsiderate.

And yes, good point from PP! He might be after the credit card rewards. In which case, a bit of a dick move.

The ‘dance’ is usually ‘I’ll get this, you pay next time’ and makes the assumption there’ll be a next time. Maybe he wasn’t feeling it.

I hadn't even thought of this!

At risk of sounding presumptuous, he was definitely feeling it. He's already asked me out again.