To be put off by this on a first date?

[paybyme]

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

I'd have insisted on paying for my half. I wouldn't want to feel indebted to someone I'd just met. But it's icky for him to ask you to transfer the money.

Paying my half on a card? Ok. Setting up a bank transfer? Annoying.

So you really wanted him to pay. How was he supposed to know that? You don't sound very straightforward tbh.

Wouldn’t bother me….no problem with the getting the rewards on the cc either! 🤷‍♀️ particularly since I’d enjoyed the evening!

Seems like he had a lucky escape then

It would put me off.

I'd like a man to offer to pay, but I'd insist on going halves on a first date.

I'd appreciate the offer of chivalry though.

This. I haven’t dated in 20 years but if I did then I would happily pay the entire bill - I have plenty of money. But someone adding yet another task to my hassle filled life when I could have just tapped in the restaurant would have pissed me right off.

It wouldn’t put me off that he wanted to split the bill.

It would put me off that he wanted to make a show of paying to waiting staff/in front of others but then wanted you to transfer him.

Feminism and equality for all. Half Italian dark haired me would be absolutely ecstatic

Go on the date in a knee length skirt with unshaved legs. No problem.

I'm probably classed as old fashioned and things have most likely moved on since I last went on a date but, if we'd really got on and had agreed to see each other again, I would have liked him to at least offer to pay and then I would have immediately offered half and if he'd refused I would have insisted that the next date was on me. I tend to think that if he'd really liked you and wanted to impress you, then he'd have offered to pay the full bill. I'm a very generous person and this would definitely put me off him.

Is it worse than a man going on a date with a woman just to have a quick fuck with a plan to discard her afterwards.
Happens every day, maybe it even happened to you while you were busy worrying about splitting the bill. Carry on regardless. Whatever works for you.

I assume your outlook has worked out extremely well for you so far?

Are these men as keen to go 50/50 on housework and childcare i wonder

'Oh for sure. I'd always offer but I can't remember ever being in a position where they've asked me to split the bill or taken me up on that offer.

Yes - I'd have rather he'd offered to pay. When a man does that, I always get the drinks the next time we meet.'

So really you are annoyed you actually had to pay half. What you really wanted to happen was the bill arrives, you say 'happy to pay half' and expect him to say no he will get it. Entitled much......

Gender Equality Index 2021: HealthAbout 91 % of women with children spend at least an hour per day on housework, compared with 30 % of men with children. The latest available data shows that employed women spend about 2.3 hours daily on housework; for employed men, this figure is 1.6 hours.

The 50/50 bill splitting is not really transferring across to other areas is it. If it was these figures would be better

@JenniferBooth hi!

no offence but that really isn't relevant to splitting bills on a first date.

I'm with you OP and I'd be put off too

I get it though - why shouldn't you pay half? Why should he pick up the bill? Etc etc

But it would be a tick in the box for me for a man to insist on paying if all had gone really well on the date, lots of chemistry etc.

And I don't care what anyone thinks about that

Presumably when the member of staff came over with the bill is when he asked about splitting it so if that was in front of the staff, paying in full is hardly an act to pretend to them that he was paying it all.

He obviously felt the OP was going to offer to go halves and that’s why he had to tell her that they were. Perhaps she then spent too long actually paying her half so he was embarrassed by her and said to put it all on his card and he’d sort it out.

Absolute whataboutery. Her kids are not his, he doesn’t have some kind of specific nor generic deficit to make up for. He’s not pulling the sword out of the stone to take up the mantle for redressing gender inequalities.

FFS. It’s a first date. Get a hold of yourself.

Also the member of the staff wouldn’t care in the slightest would they? I don’t get that it was a Billy Big Balls act - they just want the bill to be paid (living in the era of dine and dash), doubt they gave a second thought to whose bank account the money came from.

They're both bad, just because men can behave badly we should overlook everything a woman does? I'm assuming you use men in a similar way as my friend. You mean my outlook of not exploiting the hell out of everyone? Yeah it's worked out pretty well so far.

And no I have definitely not been on the receiving end of that type of behaviour you describe from men, sorry to disappoint you.

Please don't think I'm after someone's money as I am REALLY not and always pay my own way. However ...

Call me old fashioned but I'd like a guy to offer to pay on the first date. However, I don't want him to pay, but just to offer!!!!

If he didn't offer it would make me think he could be mean with money, which is a hugely unattractive trait.

Just see how it goes next time!

Its men cherry picking the bits of feminism that suit them and leaving the rest. Its absolutely relevant

I don't think either from the sound of it that she was seriously expecting to have to pay her share. She could have asked the server for separate bills.

Oh is that what this chap is doing? This guy who has been on one date? And thought splitting the bill was reasonable? He’s somehow making a political statement about his view on feminism? Balderdash.

Of course some of them are. Maybe even more likely than those who are more old fashioned and insist on paying just because they are men.