To be put off by this on a first date?

[paybyme]

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

So do ugly, fat or badly dressed women have to split the bill because they're not spending as much time on money on gym memberships, beauty treatments and clothes? Oh and women on benefits as they're not being prejudiced by the gender pay gap

its insulting to me.

I cant talk for the entire female population. I think a lot of women don't want to admit out loud that they are insulted/ put off/ get the ick/ whatever term you want to use by this behaviour however I can assure you its not just me who would be insulted by a man asking them to split the bill.

Just because some people are absolutely fine with it doesn't mean others wouldn't be put off by this suggestion.

The OP clearly wasn't happy with it for whatever reason and in answer to her question, I would be put off by this behaviour and doubly insulted by he pretending he paid then asking me to transfer the money back.

It can’t be real that you think men should pay the full bill for the date?

Funny you’re shocked at the idea of a woman paying.

He was right to make you pay half, you’re not seeing him again so you would have wasted him £££.

I really can’t get my head around the fact that paying for your own food and drinks is insulting. It’s like how dare you not allow me to be an entitled freeloader.

I thought that sort of attitude died out about 50 years ago but good old MN never fails to surprise me.

The freeloaders on this thread are making me a bit embarrassed to be female and I rarely feel that way.

It’s shocking though, how many people are out to screw others for everything they can get.

I met up with an old friend at the weekend, now back in the dating pool. He was telling me about a woman he'd really got on with, interesting, left leaning, lots in common and good company. They'd had dinner/meetups 4 or 5 times. Next date he gently suggested splitting. Never heard from them again. Don't be that person!

It’s unbelievable that some have a fit of Victorian vapours because a relative stranger isn’t paying for their entitlement - why is it someone else’s responsibility to pay for what you put in your mouth?

It really is so embarrassingly sexist and grabby.

That poster has a lot of anger and resentment it seems. I am guessing based on poor experiences herself. Otherwise it’s crazy stuff to write.

As crap as it was for your friend at least she showed her freeloading colours early on.

I personally never do food on first few dates as the bill splitting drama isn’t worth it plus I think food gets in the way of conversation flow.

A couple of drinks buying alternative rounds works for me. I’d say the vast majority of men ask ‘are you sure’ and offer to pay but I insist on standing my round - it’s basic good manners imo.

It’s shame he paid for 5 dates. At the very least he should have asked her to take turns for the second date.

I agree. Though a decent woman would have offered to pay for the second date and not allowed him to pay 5 times without contributing

That wouldn't put me off. When I'm out with my friends we do that. One pays and the rest transfer our share. It's just easier than dissecting the bill. If he'd asked you to pay then not given you his share then that's not ok but the way he did it is not weird imo.

Can you explain how you paying for the food you have eaten is ‘insulting’?

MN is where equality comes to die.

Ditto. These women on here who think the men should pay for all the food and drink on the basis they have a penis. I am cringing for every one of these women right now.

My young adult daughter would also cringe at this. She has very high standards and no time for losers. But she does not expect to be paid for. Like her brother she studied hard and works whd can fund her own meals.

Oh dear.

Single older man here - perhaps a bit of a dino, but think I was brought up well and although I think (oh dear - here we go - I'm grown up, understand the world I live in etc, etc), I'm a 'modern man',
If I've invited someone for dinner, I expect to pick up the bill.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

JHC!

I wish I'd read the whole thread before posting.

I should have added (honestly), if you invite me out for a 2nd date, I'm happy for you to pick up the tab!

@Nightmarebeforehalloween If you read these boards, you will know just how much more effort women put into taking care of the children, the home, and often the husband too, all the mental load, all while holding down a full time job. I won’t even mention breastfeeding and sleepless nights and baby battered bodies.

A man can fucking well pay for a first meal.

This poster has three children at home to look after, no doubt she is doing the lions share of child rearing. The burden on women is tremendous. Men picking up the bill doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Respect yourself and recognise your own value. You definitely won’t be respected in a relationship for being a doormat.

They aren't the date's kids though so what has that got to do with anything?!

Haven't read the whole thread because it's too long.

However consider this: You say you're not an active dater, but maybe he is?

A friend of mine is single in her 30's and goes on 2 or 3 dates a week sometimes, she always splits. If he's dating regularly that gets expensive fast.

Also, online isn't like the old days when DW and I met. When we met and agreed to go on a proper date, we'd already spent some hours in one anothers company in university and had walked to classes together or met for a bite to eat in between classes. There was already and established baseline that we liked each other, had mutual interests and sense of humour etc all before we ever went on a date, based on actual time spent in each others company.

Our chance of the date being successful and leading to another was already orders of magnitude higher than if we'd met online and had chosen to go on a date after reading a profile and maybe a couple of phone calls or texts. So therefore it was far less of a stretch for me to pay as I'd already decided I liked her enough to want to take her out. It was also the only date I went on that month, rather than simply one of a dozen.