To be put off by this on a first date?

[paybyme]

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

You enjoyed yourself and then both paid an equal share. I really don’t see the issue unless you actually did feel entitled to him paying.

A scarcity mindset will get you in trouble.
Absolutely do not think this way, OP!
Better to be alone than with the wrong man, especially a penny pinching one.
Stinginess is usually all pervasive.

I consider myself quite progressive but I would honestly say it would put me off!

Generally speaking I would expect my date to pay, especially if they were the one who invited me out on the date. I would offer but I would expect him to pay.

I would however offer to cover any subsequent drinks and the cost of date 2.

Na, I’m down for taking in turns and splitting after the first date.

if I don’t like my date I will pay my share of the bill. If I do like my date and feel it has gone well, I’d like to be paid for. After that first date I’d buy the next in full. I prefer a take in turns but for me first day paid by the man shows respect and chivalry

Happy to pay half on a first date but do it then and there. The ‘I will pay and you send me half’ is off putting for lack of any real rationale.

In my embarrassingly extensive experience if men are genuinely feeling it they really would not ask you to pay. They want to impress you.

It'd put me off

Can't believe what I'm reading about expecting men to pay.. and expecting him to be a mindreader.. splitting is fair.

Oh, seems I got that wrong and you expected/ hoped he'd pay. You need to re-evaluate and assume you will pay for yourself (you don't know him!), and be happy if he chooses to pay for you both. If he doesn't, fair play, surely? You don't date people you've never met and expect them to pay for you, do you? This is the 21st century. He's not wooing you, you've met on a site where you both want to meet someone and have a nice time together, why would you think the onus is on him to pay for you both? Unless he sought you out to specifically "take you out to dinner", you are being unreasonable. If you're on an even footing, you pay accordingly, surely :/ (Men find dating hard too :( )

How did you do the transfer? Still a faff, though splitting the bill is fine.

It's the transferring part that makes it awkward and a faff. And it did spring to mind that he might want you to transfer your half for credit card rewards.

On a good first date it's always nice if the other party offers to pay, but I wouldn't expect it and it wouldn't put me off a second date. Great chemistry is worth a second meeting.

I’m kind of shocked by all the people saying they’re progressive but would expect the man to pay on a first date. It feels like progressive 101 to pay half each. But I changed my name on marriage so what do I know about progressiveness.

I don’t like the him-paying-and-you-transferring-money thing - that’s much more annoying for you than just tapping your card. It feels somehow like you owe him, rather than you owe the restaurant.

If you’re not feeling it then that’s all that matters op, but i genuinely think you should expect to pay half on first date. Paying for drinks next time doesn’t feel equal.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

Did you have a chance to answer him yes or no before he paid?

Yabu as if you did mind, you should have said that.

You are put off him now, you didn't like it. Just dont go out again.

Perhaps he got the vibe that he didn't fit your criteria and might not see you again so went halves.

And if he is going on 2/3 dates a week - should he then pay for all of those as well OP? You sound entitled - this isn't the 50's. Women keep banging on about trying to be equal whilst earning etc, yet here you are getting the ick from being asked to pay half fairly. Maybe next time, make sure they are ok with paying the bill beforehand so you are not caught out.

And if he is going on 2/3 dates a week - should he then pay for all of those as well OP? You sound entitled - this isn't the 50's. Women keep banging on about trying to be equal whilst earning etc, yet here you are getting the ick from being asked to pay half fairly

I was thinking the same thing.

If you are put off trust your gut feeling

That would put me off too . Everyone is entitled to certain expectations from romantic dates and I'd expect a man to pay if he asked me out . I like chivalry
And i also wouldn't see a man again if he asked me to split the bill . It's just a preference

I think I might be a bit weirded by this.

It's not that the bill was split, that's what OP was expecting to do, or even that he asked, but that outwardly he "paid" the bill and is now asking for the money to be transferred.

That is what I'd do with someone I knew well, but on a first date, when it's only being split 2 ways, I think he should have told the waiter you wanted to split it and put half each on your cards.

It might have just been a convenient way to do things, but it might also have been him wanting to look like he was paying.

I'm at a loss with all the people who expect to be paid for. I'm in my 50s and even as a teenager, felt very strongly that I should pay for myself. I definitely don't want to be in a position where I feel I owe a man I barely know anything.

This is the part that would put me off...seems too "couply" for a first date

Yes exactly this! I can’t quite believe that people can consider themselves progressive when they don’t think that splitting the bill should be second nature. Newsflash - you’re not, expecting the man to pay is so archaic.

Weird the way it happened, unless it was a restaurant that doesn’t permit bill splitting (they do exist), I would have said: “Yes let’s split it down the middle” and then asked the server to put X amount on my card.

I always think that ‘paying for drinks next time’ is a massive cop out as you don’t know there definitely will be a next time, even if things have gone well.

But if it’s something that has totally turned you off then I don’t see any way back. YANBU to feel that you don’t want to take this further; YABU to think he would/should pay for everything.

If you read these boards, you will know just how much more effort women put into taking care of the children, the home, and often the husband too, all the mental load, all while holding down a full time job. I won’t even mention breastfeeding and sleepless nights and baby battered bodies.

A man can fucking well pay for a first meal.

This poster has three children at home to look after, no doubt she is doing the lions share of child rearing. The burden on women is tremendous. Men picking up the bill doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Respect yourself and recognise your own value. You definitely won’t be respected in a relationship for being a doormat.

Don't care if it's 2024 . He should have 'offered ' to pay all on the first date.

I agree. Always pay my own way but like a generous man who appears keen - certainly a requirement if there is to be a 2nd date.

You're being massively unreasonable.

This is online dating you're talking about, where people will have lots of dates. Why on earth do you think the bloke should pay for all of them?

If you'd met him in normal everyday circumstances then possibly fair enough, as he might not be dating lots.

But still, it's not up to the man to pay for your food.

OP was not expecting to pay half. She says she would have offered but didn’t expect them to accept.
It’s a long time since I was on the dating scene, but I wouldn’t expect a man to pay for me on a first date. I wouldn’t want to feel I owed him anything.
Despite you saying you would buy drinks next time, there may not be a next time for all he knows.