To be put off by this on a first date?

[paybyme]

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

Or to put through as business expenses.

It feels overbearing to me, I don't want to electronically transfer to someone I barely know, I'd much rather tap my card.

Also, did you actually agree to split? Maybe you wanted to just pay for your exact meal. Did he get steak and you got a soup by any chance.

What if she's his 3rd date in as many weeks?

Is that not the whole point of downloading these apps?

Yabu it's 2024 and you are working. Are you looking for a meal ticket? I'd be put off by you suggesting the man should pay.

He paid the first cup of tea , I paid the second. He brought the concert tickets and dinner and I got the drinks

He may have had a previous date with someone who got the hump when he paid all of the bill.

It's a minefield for men to know what to do nowadays without causing offence.

I would insist on paying 50/50 on a first date. I'd be uncomfortable with someone I'd just met paying for me. Sadly some men still think you owe them something if they've paid.
I think what he did is fine.
I think it's more appropriate for him (or you) to pay after a couple of dates, once you know each other better.

So you would have been prepared to and would have insisted to pay half but would be annoyed if he took you up on it and was put off that he asked first?

Oh for sure. I'd always offer but I can't remember ever being in a position where they've asked me to split the bill or taken me up on that offer.

Yes - I'd have rather he'd offered to pay. When a man does that, I always get the drinks the next time we meet.

Your post is really disingenuous… you didn’t want to pay half and still don’t.

Hey if that’s your dating hill to die on then it is what is (mine is he has to open the car door for me if he picks me up) but don’t bitch that he didn’t pay while claiming you were super willing and able to do it. Just move on.

I can’t be faffing with setting up new payments to randoms every time I have a first date, so just pay for yours and let me pay for mine?

I bet he’s one of those who wants to appear generous to externals 🙄.
Two taps is so quick these days, that his whole action is utterly unnecessary.

I would happily split ( why ever not? ) but I absolutely wouldn’t transfer to him. Does he want the staff to think he’s being all macho and paying the bill? I’d pay my share direct.

Yup!

You'd be happy to split it, but not if he asked your consent/permission to do so?
How did you want the bill paying situation to go? I'm guessing he was handed the bill (usually happens sadly) then he asked if you were good with splitting. Surely if the bill was handed to you you'd have said similar?
I honestly don't see the issue. Could it be there's a few more underlying things about him/the date that make you unsure?

It's just easier for the staff that's all.

The OP could've paid and got him to transfer to her.

If it bothered you then it's ok to say no for 2nd date.

You're usually really progressive, but when did you offer? Before dinner? When you were bantering? When the idea of the bill came up? When the bill was asked for? After he hesitated and then reached for his wallet?

Sounds like you're not progressive, because you had plenty of opportunities to jump in and say "Hey, I'm equal opportunities, let's split this!"

Instead, you made him ask.

You're more upset that he highlighted that you're not progressive.

I'd have been fine with him suggesting splitting the bill but I'd have paid my half in cash.

That's progressive for you

(see my user name)

I think guy should pay for first date as a gesture. After that, go halves. It sets a nice tone. Did he ask you out? I would find that miserly.

I’ve worked in many a restaurant and happily split many a bill.

Yes...If he's asking for the money afterwards, he wants the waiting staff to think that he's paying for everything.

I'd be pleased.

He see's you as an equal, not as something to be bought.

I'd be pleased.

He see's you as an equal, not as something to be bought.

What have you got to lose by carrying on if you enjoyed his company ?

I suppose maybe better to ditch people because of the slightest thing, then complain online dating is rubbish and there are no good men out there.

If someone asked to go halves on the bill on a first date then I wouldn’t expect a second date and would think that’s why he wants to split the bill .

he doesn’t seem the person for you so I wouldn’t have a problem splitting the bill.

His not that into you otherwise he would have paid.

I don't understand how op can consider herself 'progressive' in one sentence, then actually confess they'd have preferred him to pay, simply because he's a man! That's not progressive (not that splitting the bill should be considered 'progressive' - surely it's just normal?)

I just don't get it! But if it put you off, it put you off. Once you get the ick, whatever it's cause, you generally can't shake it, so just move on.

Can't see how this is a problem. What is wrong with him.saying this ?