To be put off by this on a first date?

[paybyme]

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

You want him to want to pay. I get that. Even if you push back and still go halves. Him asking you to pay him back feels quite transactional and like he might not see you again. I wouldn’t like it either.

I think you're entitled to feel how you feel, and to not take it anywhere, but personally I feel that if you want a relationship then this would be a daft reason to knock this one on the head.

I don't expect a man to pay on a first date because of my choices around my children, how bizarre.

😂

But you don’t have to agree surely? Sex isn’t compulsory!

I think it’s a great indicator of how you see the relationship going forward. Those who want the man to pay can carry on dating until they find the guy they want. Those who want to split get to split, and those who want to pay it all may be put off by a man who finds it emasculating therefore continuing to date until they find the man they desire.

I am firmly a splitter. My now husband and I used to split the bill (initially buying alternative rounds In pubs and then in turns paying for dinner). I would not have been comfortable with him paying for everything on a first date at all, it’s not the kind of guy I look for.

I got the relationship I hoped I would, we share money completely, we share housework, childcare, mental load completely. I’m really happy and wouldn’t change a thing!

I think yabu. If you've been dating a long time it must get so bloody expensive always footing the bill.

Initially I'd probably think the same thing, but is it the done thing now to go Dutch rather than the man paying full?

I wouldn't let it put me off a second date though. My partner did this and I still had his babies.

Ah you have clarified - it's the fact he didn't offer to pay.
I found the paying and asking you to transfer off putting. I certainly do not expect someone to pay for me - meeting for first time I DEFINITELY want to pay my half. Second date fine, though I'd still prefer to pay my share as that prevents any feelings of obligation, as old fashioned as that sounds.
If you get 'lots if offers' why do you need to go online? I'd much rather meet someone in real life.

I would be put off too. It’s not good being asked so forwardly to split on a first date and not giving you time to offer splitting. Screams cheapskate.

@paybyme Who asked who out? If he asked you, or invited you to dinner, then he pays unless it it agreed upon before hand that the bill is split.

I think it's polite to offer to share the bill if you are the invitee, but I think it's rude to ask someone to split it if you did the inviting.

I apply the above to dinner with friends as well as dates. And if you can't afford to pay for someone else, but you would still like their company, than be up front about it. Or offer to pay for the drinks for the both of you, then it's clear the money for the food is split.

OP, what he did would put me off too. I would not be accepting a second date, even if it's only for his failure to be transparent about what a "date" actually means to him. Poor communication skills are a bad start to anything.

So if the conversation had gone that he said he'd pay it and you insisted on halves and he accepted that would have been better? What's the difference? Maybe he's just practical. As others said maybe this is his third first date in three weeks.
If he'd just paid he would then run the risk of his date accusing him of being old fashioned
Poor bloke can't win

Spot on. Otherwise he could have just paid his half while OP paid hers. Pretentious imo

Some of these men that are quick to pay and ask for you to transfer your half will be claiming the meal on expenses. Did he ask for receipt?

I’d prefer to pay directly than transfer money.

OP I get you. It’s happened to me & it did put me off. Maybe I’m an old romantic but I wanted to be wooed.

@paybyme I’d want and expect to pay half and wouldn’t let someone pay half on a first date. Wouldn’t expect any different 🤷🏻‍♀️.

YABU

Why should he pay ? Why is it that men are expected to pay ? You say you usually insist on paying your way and don’t mind that - so I don’t really understand your issue ?

No it seems she usually half heartedly offers but doesn't expect to actually pay for herself.

As bad as it sounds, first date I would absolutely expect him to (at the very least) offer or it would put me off. Subsequent dates fairly split or taking turns. I understand if it was for financial reasons but 1'd have expected him to bring up arrangements before the bill came in case you only had cash or you wanted to tap separately, not then say to transfer last minute because the having to set up a new payee would annoy me on a date. Should have given you the option to split there and then as it's so much easier.

Was it right down the middle or did you cover your separate meals?

Another good reason not to go cashless then 😐

Crikey, I paid for dinner on the first date I went on with DP, but mainly because I ordered food while he was in the gents 😂It didn’t put him off me thank god.

I’d always go Dutch usually otherwise on a first date, I don’t think it’s a financially fair expectation for men to always pay for dinner. It’s 2024, I have a job and want equality in a relationship.

I think the fact he doesn't meet any of your criteria is likely to be more of an issue.

Splitting the bill is right thing to do. Nothing wrong with the way he did it.

I'm actually with you there, it would massively put me off. Part of the flirting game for me is someone inviting you, so I would expect the first time he invites you, the next time you invite him. Otherwise it just feels cold and transactional. Nothing less romantic than a bank transfer after a date. Either he wasn't feeling it, or he took to heart some comments he may have received about not offending women by offering to pay, and split instead. Not the one for you.

@paybyme

I'm all for '2024' BUT misers are the worst....

Believe what he says or does the first time.

Yours,
Learnt The Hard Way.

People keep referring to "transactional". What is the first mutually arranged meeting after a bit of interaction online if not transactional? You're not in any kind of relationship at this point. It's there simply for each party to check the other out and decide if they'd like to meet again.

I’m missing something, how can I transfer a person money, if one of us doesn’t share bank details, they will, at least, need to share them with me.
Unless you PayPal via phone number or email, or do you use some other app ?