To be put off by this on a first date?

[paybyme]

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job.

Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye.

Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry.

Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half.

I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off.

He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

If he's keeping the receipt to put on expenses...
PLUS
You are paying half directly to him, and not the restaurant...
He's literally getting paid to date you.
He's not daft is he.

This 100%

if someone had asked me to split the bill and we both tapped our cards I wouldn’t have given it another thought, but him wanting to look like he was the one paying then asking for a transfer would be a red flag for me.

as someone else said, also it’s much more of a faff doing a transfer than quickly tapping your card

Better than a date I had when the guy went to the toilet when the bill came and was ages. He was clearly expecting me to get it and he was annoyed when I'd waited to split it. (Because he was awful and wouldn't want to see him again lol)

I would have a think about why it bothers you. It's not the money. Is it because it seemed a bit bossy? What are you like around money? Do you like to be a bit less direct and do that British thing of saying you'll pay and the other one saying no I'll pay...then eventually paying half each? 😊

Also wondering how people have made the leap to assume he’s putting it on expenses. Nothing in the original post suggests this at all.

I don't doubt it.

But as I said, it's just easier for the staff.

Feminism and equality for all!!

(Except on a first date obviously; men should pay)

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

This

Any man who insists on paying on early dates does not value equality. Maybe OK, even nice now, but the fallout will hit later.

I don't understand the problem at all. I also don't think you're progressive seeing as you obviously expected him to pay.

I wouldn't have any issue paying half but I would be annoyed at him taking over and just deciding I would transfer my half to him, no.

I think also op perhaps a small part of your annoyance is that he isn't your usual type, perhaps you considered yourself a little out of his league and didn't even show appreciation for your date by offering to pay in full.

I wouldn't go on another date with him, he isn't the one for you.

Hmmm. I’d always split the bill, never expect or want the other person to pay. I’m saying that first before I get Those posts.

However. Ideally we’d play the game of him offering to pay, then me saying don’t be silly let’s pay half each. Then paying half each. It’s more palatable. I think because him assuming it’s ok for him to pay all on card, and then Ask me to pay my half directly to him, is frankly bizarre. Even the waiter/ess coming up and him saying ‘half each?’ Is better somehow.

I’d be put off too. I wouldn’t want to see him again tbh. Gut feel and all that.

I don’t think any man gains status by pretending to the waiter that they are the one paying. Regarding credit card points, even an meal will earn a tiny amount of points…

Maybe 1/800th of a flight to the Maldives…

On my first date with my fella we went for drinks - we had four pints each (I used to drink too much - sober now) and we took it in turn to buy rounds.

Would that have put you off? Because it's the same thing really.

Having said that, maybe there is something about the way he did it that you didn't like - and that is fair enough. You have the right to be put off, for any reason or none. You don't need anybody else to vindicate that decision!

If you enjoyed yourself otherwise meet up again. A few dates down the line you can tell him and will probably laugh about it.

Is there a thread on this every week, was it your turn op?

Oh please, what does that have to do with anything?! He's not the father of her children. I don't have to do any of those things as I don't have kids. Are you trying to put men off dating single mothers?

This might sound weird but what would bother me about this is not the splitting of the bill but the way in which he did it.

It’s not a big deal for the restaurant or bar to split the bill across two cards, the fact he wanted to pay on his card and have you transfer gives me two issues - first it’s hassle to set up a new payee for the transfer & secondly, is he insecure about splitting the bill & wanting to have the appearance to the place you’re eating at that he’s paid it in full? Would just bug me I think.

But splitting, and him asking to split, really see no issue with that.

This happened to me on a first date with someone and I was really put off, I would of offered to split the bill anyway but him asking before I got to say that was a really big turn of, I made an excuse and never spoke to him again!

I'd imagine many men don't get a next time so perhaps he's become a little wary of that approach?

He’s either tight, broke, not attracted enough to want to impress you, or a Cancerian.

I had a friend who admitted she went out on dates just to get a free meal. Awful behaviour.

OP if you don't like him just pick one of your many other offers...

What the hell have I just read??

So a woman decides to have and breastfeed 3 children, and this means random men on internet dating apps have to buy her food?

Peak Mumsnet madness right there! 🤦‍♀️🤣🤣

Or he can recognise an entitled wrongun he's met on a dating app.

He would have been fucked if this was me (and not in the conventional sense) because i dont bank online

Maybe they should add it to the ‘pros of breastfeeding list’. Formula feed and you go Dutch, breastfeed and get free dinners from potential suitors.