Page 9 | To be put off by this on a first date?

paybyme · 2024-06-03T16:54:35+00:00

I rarely date. I am lucky to get lots of offers but it's not something I usually do. I've got 3 kids and a full time job. Connected with a man after reinstalling dating apps after a long time. He didn't match any of my criteria but his opening line really caught my eye. Met in person Saturday night when the kids were at their nans. In person he was still really definitely really far from my usual type but I gave it a chance had such a great time. I could've chatted to him for hours and there was great chemistry. Bill comes and he says "are you ok splitting this?" And then proceeds to pay and then ask me to transfer him my half. I'm usually very progressive but I found this REALLY off-putting. I don't feel entitled in any way and usually insist on paying my half, but him asking really put me off. He wants to go out again but I'm really put off now but not sure if IABU.

WolfFoxHare · 04/06/2024 07:40

I do agree that the whole ‘transferring my half’ rigmarole is a faff though and would rather just tap for my half.

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 04/06/2024 07:44

That's a small demonstration of trust, asking you to transfer the money to him - if you didn't follow this up, there's nothing he could do about it. So I would take it as a good sign, personally.

Agree with pps about the hassle of the bank transfer - fraud prevention means (quite rightly) there is always extra verification for new payees. Personally if I am going for a meal with others, I always take enough cash to cover my share, to avoid this scenario.

Mayorq · 04/06/2024 08:10

"I'm sure a lot of women are happy to be generous later on but want it signified to them first."

It's not really generosity if it's dependant on making sure you're in credit first though is it?

Octaviaaa · 04/06/2024 08:33

I believe a man should pay on the first date. I would always offer but I would probably think that he's tight with money (which is a terrible quality) or not interested. I would be secretly put off and would probably never see him again unless there was remarkable chemistry.

Prior to the date, I've probably spent a couple of hours making myself beautiful. The amount that the majority of women spend on their appearance is a far cry from the majority of men I've encountered who barely use conditioner or moisturiser. There is a gender pay gap, there is nothing wrong with a man treating a woman on the first date.

Ethylred · 04/06/2024 08:40

Haven't RTFT ofc (9 pages so far) but it seems that he wrong-footed the OP, nothing more. Honestly, anyone put off by such things is too delicate for this world.

BumbleRose · 04/06/2024 10:54

In all my years of dating (before I settled down with my current partner) only one person has ever asked me to split a bill and I never spoke to him again.

I don't split bills it would be completely off putting to me. I get that other woman like to split bills, I have friends that want to split bills and are happy to but I personally think its insulting.

The fact that he paid for it so it looked like he paid to the waiters etc.. then asked you to send your half is actually laughable.

Only you can decide if its worth continuing to date him but equally if you were off put its not going to get any better and you will always feel award from this interaction. I'd just politely decline the next invitation for a date.

KimberleyClark · 04/06/2024 10:58

YABU

Revelatio · 04/06/2024 11:55

I had no idea men paying on the first date would fix the gender pay gap, seems so simple, surely the government should mandate it, would save a lot of effort.

There is no obligation to spend 2hrs making yourself look beautiful for a date. I don't know of anyone who does this. Surely you’d look like a completely different person after 2hrs of preening!!

I cannot think of any extra expense I have spent on a date that I wouldn’t going out with friends. I already have clothes/make up/etc., I wouldn’t be buying a new outfit every time I went on a date, that sounds madness. It’s not the man’s fault you think you need new clothes and 2hrs of preening.

Obviously some women like to be paid for and some don’t. We are all different and we all need to find the right partner for us. Seems it’s a good indicator of how you want to start the relationship and what you want going forward. Personally I like equal contributions from both partners in all areas (financial, emotional, etc), so having a man pay on the first date wouldn’t be for me.

Rubbishconfession · 04/06/2024 12:02

YABU. It's just one meal to you but this guy would have to pay for every date until he met the right person.

I think he was right not to pay for you, as proved by you not wanting to see him again.

So your half hearted offer to pay for drinks means nothing.

JenniferBooth · 04/06/2024 13:41

Revelatio · 04/06/2024 11:55

I had no idea men paying on the first date would fix the gender pay gap, seems so simple, surely the government should mandate it, would save a lot of effort.

There is no obligation to spend 2hrs making yourself look beautiful for a date. I don't know of anyone who does this. Surely you’d look like a completely different person after 2hrs of preening!!

I cannot think of any extra expense I have spent on a date that I wouldn’t going out with friends. I already have clothes/make up/etc., I wouldn’t be buying a new outfit every time I went on a date, that sounds madness. It’s not the man’s fault you think you need new clothes and 2hrs of preening.

Obviously some women like to be paid for and some don’t. We are all different and we all need to find the right partner for us. Seems it’s a good indicator of how you want to start the relationship and what you want going forward. Personally I like equal contributions from both partners in all areas (financial, emotional, etc), so having a man pay on the first date wouldn’t be for me.

I really REALLY want a woman to go on First Dates (to a date with a man) with unshaven legs , wearing no make up hair not done just to see the reaction on Twitter, Would like to see if this got the same societal support as splitting the bill does,

SamW98 · 04/06/2024 13:54

Revelatio · 04/06/2024 11:55

I had no idea men paying on the first date would fix the gender pay gap, seems so simple, surely the government should mandate it, would save a lot of effort.

There is no obligation to spend 2hrs making yourself look beautiful for a date. I don't know of anyone who does this. Surely you’d look like a completely different person after 2hrs of preening!!

I cannot think of any extra expense I have spent on a date that I wouldn’t going out with friends. I already have clothes/make up/etc., I wouldn’t be buying a new outfit every time I went on a date, that sounds madness. It’s not the man’s fault you think you need new clothes and 2hrs of preening.

Obviously some women like to be paid for and some don’t. We are all different and we all need to find the right partner for us. Seems it’s a good indicator of how you want to start the relationship and what you want going forward. Personally I like equal contributions from both partners in all areas (financial, emotional, etc), so having a man pay on the first date wouldn’t be for me.

Yep. I would put same effort meeting friends as going in a date. Hair and make up done and pick a nice outfit out of my wardrobe but I wouldn’t expect my friends to pick up my bill so why should a man?

Tbh I never go out to dinner for a first date - it’s cliched and a bit dated imo. I’d rather go for a coffee or a drink - food gets in the way of conversation flow. And I’d always let them buy first drink and I’ll get the second - rude not to imo.

I might start getting ready 2 hours ahead of time but that includes quite a bit of laying on the bed in a towel time 🤣 and also my built in ‘oh shit I’m late now’ cushion.

I have to say however I agree with the OP that I wouldn’t really feel great about the way he did it. I’d rather both tap our half than transfer to his bank. That’s a bit cheeky and would ring a few bells for me . Personally I would have said ‘no that’s ok I’ll pay my bill on my card’

SallyWD · 04/06/2024 14:28

BumbleRose · 04/06/2024 10:54

In all my years of dating (before I settled down with my current partner) only one person has ever asked me to split a bill and I never spoke to him again.

I don't split bills it would be completely off putting to me. I get that other woman like to split bills, I have friends that want to split bills and are happy to but I personally think its insulting.

The fact that he paid for it so it looked like he paid to the waiters etc.. then asked you to send your half is actually laughable.

Only you can decide if its worth continuing to date him but equally if you were off put its not going to get any better and you will always feel award from this interaction. I'd just politely decline the next invitation for a date.

Why on earth is it insulting to split the bill on a first date? I just don't understand this viewpoint. Two virtual strangers meet for a meal to see if they like each other. Who knows - the woman may even earn way more than the man. Yet the man must pay the full cost of the meal, otherwise it's insulting?
Why?! I can't take women seriously who want equality but have such old fashioned and sexist beliefs.

Findwen · 04/06/2024 14:36

It is usual for the man to finance the bulk of the family outgoings over the course of a long relationship, the least the woman could do is buy him the first meal in acknowledgement of the expected costs he will bear over the next decades.

It is but the smallest thing really and indicative of her recognising the financial burden he will bear.

SamW98 · 04/06/2024 14:39

SallyWD · 04/06/2024 14:28

Why on earth is it insulting to split the bill on a first date? I just don't understand this viewpoint. Two virtual strangers meet for a meal to see if they like each other. Who knows - the woman may even earn way more than the man. Yet the man must pay the full cost of the meal, otherwise it's insulting?
Why?! I can't take women seriously who want equality but have such old fashioned and sexist beliefs.

Show quote history

I agree. I’ve never understood the ‘have penis must pay for me to eat’ mentality. It’s so sexist and outdated even in the late 80’s when I was last single I would offer to pay my share.

Asusefulasamarzipandildo · 04/06/2024 14:40

Yabu it's fair to split on a first date.

JenniferBooth · 04/06/2024 15:49

Findwen · 04/06/2024 14:36

It is usual for the man to finance the bulk of the family outgoings over the course of a long relationship, the least the woman could do is buy him the first meal in acknowledgement of the expected costs he will bear over the next decades.

It is but the smallest thing really and indicative of her recognising the financial burden he will bear.

Totally agree with splitting the bill but i would be handing him the cash. Not every fucker banks online. Family outgoings is a bit presumptuous though. Not all of us want kids. Im child free by choice. And there is nothing stopping the man from helping to prioritize the womans career so that she is paying the bulk of the family outgoings.

JenniferBooth · 04/06/2024 15:58

Findwen · 04/06/2024 14:36

It is usual for the man to finance the bulk of the family outgoings over the course of a long relationship, the least the woman could do is buy him the first meal in acknowledgement of the expected costs he will bear over the next decades.

It is but the smallest thing really and indicative of her recognising the financial burden he will bear.

FFS. It’s a first date. Get a hold of yourself 😊

@Arlanymor s words not mine. Page 5 at 2012 if you want to check

Jc2001 · 04/06/2024 16:05

JenniferBooth · 04/06/2024 15:49

Totally agree with splitting the bill but i would be handing him the cash. Not every fucker banks online. Family outgoings is a bit presumptuous though. Not all of us want kids. Im child free by choice. And there is nothing stopping the man from helping to prioritize the womans career so that she is paying the bulk of the family outgoings.

Show quote history

Splitting. Absolutely. Paying on a card and then asking you to transfer is pretty cheeky.

He was probably after the loyalty points with his credit card.

SamW98 · 04/06/2024 16:21

I had one that paid on his corporate card and told me he was claiming it back on expenses - thankfully he further ask me to transfer my share but maybe that’s what this bloke is doing and making a profit 🤣

Arlanymor · 04/06/2024 21:00

JenniferBooth · 04/06/2024 15:58

FFS. It’s a first date. Get a hold of yourself 😊

@Arlanymor s words not mine. Page 5 at 2012 if you want to check

Show quote history

Well yes, this is the other batshit opinion. Split it and get a grip!

SamW98 · 04/06/2024 21:00

SamW98 · 04/06/2024 16:21

I had one that paid on his corporate card and told me he was claiming it back on expenses - thankfully he further ask me to transfer my share but maybe that’s what this bloke is doing and making a profit 🤣

*didn’t ask me

Arlanymor · 04/06/2024 21:02

Findwen · 04/06/2024 14:36

It is usual for the man to finance the bulk of the family outgoings over the course of a long relationship, the least the woman could do is buy him the first meal in acknowledgement of the expected costs he will bear over the next decades.

It is but the smallest thing really and indicative of her recognising the financial burden he will bear.

This is batshit in the opposite direction…

echt · 04/06/2024 23:40

Findwen · 04/06/2024 14:36

It is usual for the man to finance the bulk of the family outgoings over the course of a long relationship, the least the woman could do is buy him the first meal in acknowledgement of the expected costs he will bear over the next decades.

It is but the smallest thing really and indicative of her recognising the financial burden he will bear.

Utterly bizarre.

What if there's no second date?

Codlingmoths · 05/06/2024 02:19

BumbleRose · 04/06/2024 10:54

In all my years of dating (before I settled down with my current partner) only one person has ever asked me to split a bill and I never spoke to him again.

I don't split bills it would be completely off putting to me. I get that other woman like to split bills, I have friends that want to split bills and are happy to but I personally think its insulting.

The fact that he paid for it so it looked like he paid to the waiters etc.. then asked you to send your half is actually laughable.

Only you can decide if its worth continuing to date him but equally if you were off put its not going to get any better and you will always feel award from this interaction. I'd just politely decline the next invitation for a date.

You can tell from others, as you acknowledge, that it’s perfectly normal behaviour, so it isn’t insulting. You mean, ‘i personally have decided to be insulted by it.’

Original poster

paybyme · 05/06/2024 09:22

Findwen · 04/06/2024 14:36

It is usual for the man to finance the bulk of the family outgoings over the course of a long relationship, the least the woman could do is buy him the first meal in acknowledgement of the expected costs he will bear over the next decades.

It is but the smallest thing really and indicative of her recognising the financial burden he will bear.

Sorry what????

This can't be a real post.

I was in a 16 year marriage and I was the higher earner.

OP posts: