Hi guys abit of a long one sorry in advance!
Me and DP have been together for 12 years, we are getting married in a few weeks. Dp has a younger sister who has very severe mental health problems. She has spent the last 5 years in and out of inpatient mental health facility’s. She is doing well now but needs carers everyday. For weekdays she has carers come to her then at the weekend Dp mostly looks after her apart from the odd days when I will go to help her for the day. Her and DP are very close due to this and also they grew up in the care system so he always looked out for her since they was kids.
Now SIL is genuinely lovely but due to her mental health conditions she is very unpredictable, she has extreme paranoia about people looking at her and laughing at her, she also hears voices so sometimes she believes she can hear people’s thoughts. Her mood can change with no warning from “normal” to extreme anger or depression or she can also become manic. If she has these outbursts she can become violent or put her self in danger or harm herself on purpose. She also has panic attacks and flashbacks which can cause her to have a seizures. Being under stress or feeling anxious can trigger these outbursts and make them worse and it’s very hard to calm her down in especially in public.
this brings me to my problem. At the wedding my mum and my dad both want to give a speech to which we said ok fine no problem. DP then said he doesn’t have any one speaking from his side can SIL do it for him. The problem is SIL is also severely dyslexic so she is not the best at reading so wouldn’t be able to read a speech from anything, she also wouldn’t be able to remember a whole speech. I told DP I don’t think it’s fair to SIL to give the speech due to she would have to make it up on the spot which she wouldn’t be good at as she already struggles to get her words out in the right order sometimes. This would probably cause her to feel embarrassed which in turn would make her anxious and she would most probably end up either having a panic attack or she would think people are laughing at her which would cause her to become angry. She also will randomly stop talking sometimes and talk back to the voices she can hear so I don’t want people at the wedding to see her doing this as this would probably embarrass her too. DP blew up at me and said she’s his sister and if I’m so embarrassed of her then maybe we shouldn’t have a wedding at all because these things could all happen even if she doesn’t give the speech. He also said I clearly just don’t like SIL because she has mental health issues and I want people to think my family is perfect with no issues.
Im genuinely at a lost because I don’t think it’s fair to put her through unnecessary stress but Dp thinks I’m just embarrassed of her which is not the case I love her like my own sisters I’m just trying to look out for her. I’ve already made exceptions for her at the wedding to make her as relaxed as possible like making her a special role as “brides helper” so she gets to wear the bridesmaids dress but doesn’t have to walk down the aisle with us and she is going to sit at the back so if she needs to leave she can leave easily. She is also going to be sitting at a table with just her and my DD and DS as she is very relaxed around them and that way she will be not around a lot of people.
so AIBU to not let her give the speech?