AIBU to not let SIL make wedding speech?

[Dontknowwhattodooooo]

Hi guys abit of a long one sorry in advance!

Me and DP have been together for 12 years, we are getting married in a few weeks. Dp has a younger sister who has very severe mental health problems. She has spent the last 5 years in and out of inpatient mental health facility’s. She is doing well now but needs carers everyday. For weekdays she has carers come to her then at the weekend Dp mostly looks after her apart from the odd days when I will go to help her for the day. Her and DP are very close due to this and also they grew up in the care system so he always looked out for her since they was kids.

Now SIL is genuinely lovely but due to her mental health conditions she is very unpredictable, she has extreme paranoia about people looking at her and laughing at her, she also hears voices so sometimes she believes she can hear people’s thoughts. Her mood can change with no warning from “normal” to extreme anger or depression or she can also become manic. If she has these outbursts she can become violent or put her self in danger or harm herself on purpose. She also has panic attacks and flashbacks which can cause her to have a seizures. Being under stress or feeling anxious can trigger these outbursts and make them worse and it’s very hard to calm her down in especially in public.

this brings me to my problem. At the wedding my mum and my dad both want to give a speech to which we said ok fine no problem. DP then said he doesn’t have any one speaking from his side can SIL do it for him. The problem is SIL is also severely dyslexic so she is not the best at reading so wouldn’t be able to read a speech from anything, she also wouldn’t be able to remember a whole speech. I told DP I don’t think it’s fair to SIL to give the speech due to she would have to make it up on the spot which she wouldn’t be good at as she already struggles to get her words out in the right order sometimes. This would probably cause her to feel embarrassed which in turn would make her anxious and she would most probably end up either having a panic attack or she would think people are laughing at her which would cause her to become angry. She also will randomly stop talking sometimes and talk back to the voices she can hear so I don’t want people at the wedding to see her doing this as this would probably embarrass her too. DP blew up at me and said she’s his sister and if I’m so embarrassed of her then maybe we shouldn’t have a wedding at all because these things could all happen even if she doesn’t give the speech. He also said I clearly just don’t like SIL because she has mental health issues and I want people to think my family is perfect with no issues.

Im genuinely at a lost because I don’t think it’s fair to put her through unnecessary stress but Dp thinks I’m just embarrassed of her which is not the case I love her like my own sisters I’m just trying to look out for her. I’ve already made exceptions for her at the wedding to make her as relaxed as possible like making her a special role as “brides helper” so she gets to wear the bridesmaids dress but doesn’t have to walk down the aisle with us and she is going to sit at the back so if she needs to leave she can leave easily. She is also going to be sitting at a table with just her and my DD and DS as she is very relaxed around them and that way she will be not around a lot of people.

so AIBU to not let her give the speech?

Good luck with your conversation op. I think you’re being too nice to your parents though. Many many people have separated parents at their weddings and i’ve still never known both parents do a speech for that reason.

If SIL doesn’t want to do a speech then there should be no issue with your Dp just doing one himself. I did one at my own wedding as my dad isn’t around.

Not unreasonable - does SIL even want to give a speech if she's too anxious to walk down the aisle? I understand where your DP is coming from wanting someone to give a speech from his side but sounds like it would be too much pressure on her. I'd suggest asking your parents to speak for both of you or have one of DP's friends give a speech instead. You could also put up a photoboard of recent and old pictures of you together and with people from both of your sides. Or have someone else read out something your SIL has written in advance.

Well you know what nobody is perfect he sounds like a good caring understanding man to do so much for his sister. She loves him so who are we to judge?

Very nasty and ignorant.

Could a speech from SIL be prerecorded, and shown on a screen, so no anxiety for either her or you?

You have the best audience at a wedding: everybody there cares about the bride and groom. (Yes, don't let speeches go on for too long, yes don't do speeches at a point when people are hungry).

Work out how to enable your sister in law to make a speech if she wants to - it doesn't have to be 'perfect'.

Think this prerecorded video sounds like a fabulous idea ....can be done over a few days ,small chunks reduced pressure

I’ve said you are being unreasonable because I don’t see anywhere in your OP where you’ve actually asked the grown adult in question. I understand your concerns but it’s up to her to decide whether she can cope with it or not.

FWIW I’d have no speeches, I think it’s just more wedding nonsense.

Where did you get this impression from?
SIL.is dyslexic so struggles to read, she struggles with crowds, she has already had a panic attack about being bridesmaid because people will be looking at her, she won't say no and you think her making a speech is a great idea?
OP is concerned for her SIL and her enjoyment not worriedSIL will be an embarrassment. That is obvious

I don't think you two should be getting married.

This is pretty fundamental. And raw. How can you two cope with a lifetime if you can't sort this out between yourselves?

Your partner may be ignorant if he doesn't know what his sister can/can't cope with?

You may be "entitled" if you're trying to project an idea of what a wedding should look like?

Sersiously none of you are looking at compromise and inclusion???

I don't think either of you have the maturity to take what life throws at you on your shoulders. Despite your grim backgrounds. It suggests none of you have reached a place where you've made peace with the past, reasoned it out, and are now free to make better life choices.

80% of the population (guesstimate) would prefer not to make a speech at a wedding.

You can't give SIL a role like MoH?

I think you are probably not BU but I think you should probably involve her in the conversation.

it is tough when the wedding is so one sided. My DH sister died about 7months before the wedding, his mum died about 2 weeks before the wedding. We didn’t know if his Dad was going to be able to come until a few days before. One of his nieces was sectioned under the mental health act, and the other recovering from mental health issues. We had to discuss with the photographer a lot about how to avoid certain conversations and less focus on family shots etc. We invited more of his friends and our friends than my friends as all my family were there. It was a very small affair and everyone was very aware of the situation. We did ask his niece if she would like to do a reading but she didn’t so we asked one of his childhood friends. We also invited nieces friend and aunt so that she would be more comfortable there and had the support she needed.

Is there a way to video record DS's speech and play it at the reception?

Don't kid us that your main worry is for her, it is for yourself. This may be something that could be very inspiring for her. It is a risk but it is one I would take. But as a partner I would agree with your future husband and I would break of our relationship, due to your selfishness.

Could she just say something brief and loving about you two and you can thank her for being the best bride’s helper?. Don’t fall out over this. Being in Care together will make them feel especially bonded. Even the worst case scenario would be manageable, with a friendly intervention if necessary.

Groom's side is usually a speech from the Best Man - not family. I think if your parents are sharing the FOB duties that's ok but it does seem unfair if your Mum gives an extra speech and your SIL doesn't.

I understand that your partner wants someone from his family to make a speech especially as both your parents are, (which is unusual) who is his DPs best man? Does he not have an uncle/ Aunty or cousin? or is his sister, his only family? The fact he's wanting her to do a speech without asking her is ridiculous and he should know better than to think of putting her in a difficult situation, I'm with you on this one op YANBU

I read a little from the The Velveteen Rabbit at my daughter’s wedding. Not a dry eye in the house. Something like that, a children’s book. No stress.
This is love.❤️

The OP has posted a really nice update several pages ago.
She had a good conversation with her DH, they are providing SIL with options and lots of feedback/ suggestions were taken on board.

Click on "see all" the OP's posts.

Have you asked her what she thinks or if she actually wants to do a speech? Could she maybe follow the Best Mans speech with a short toast to the Bride & Groom so she's included but not having to remember a long speech? I can totally understand your husband wanting his Sister included but has he really thought about the implications of her getting up in front of everyone on her own to speak? See what she says when you ask her what she thinks & go from there. Your husband could stand with her to give her support while she does speak if she choses to & let her speak direct to him so she's not overwhelmed looking out at all the other guests. Let them decide what's best for her so it doesn't cause conflict with you & husband to be before the big day.

Speak to her and see if she wants to do a speech