AIBU to not let SIL make wedding speech?

[Dontknowwhattodooooo]

Hi guys abit of a long one sorry in advance!

Me and DP have been together for 12 years, we are getting married in a few weeks. Dp has a younger sister who has very severe mental health problems. She has spent the last 5 years in and out of inpatient mental health facility’s. She is doing well now but needs carers everyday. For weekdays she has carers come to her then at the weekend Dp mostly looks after her apart from the odd days when I will go to help her for the day. Her and DP are very close due to this and also they grew up in the care system so he always looked out for her since they was kids.

Now SIL is genuinely lovely but due to her mental health conditions she is very unpredictable, she has extreme paranoia about people looking at her and laughing at her, she also hears voices so sometimes she believes she can hear people’s thoughts. Her mood can change with no warning from “normal” to extreme anger or depression or she can also become manic. If she has these outbursts she can become violent or put her self in danger or harm herself on purpose. She also has panic attacks and flashbacks which can cause her to have a seizures. Being under stress or feeling anxious can trigger these outbursts and make them worse and it’s very hard to calm her down in especially in public.

this brings me to my problem. At the wedding my mum and my dad both want to give a speech to which we said ok fine no problem. DP then said he doesn’t have any one speaking from his side can SIL do it for him. The problem is SIL is also severely dyslexic so she is not the best at reading so wouldn’t be able to read a speech from anything, she also wouldn’t be able to remember a whole speech. I told DP I don’t think it’s fair to SIL to give the speech due to she would have to make it up on the spot which she wouldn’t be good at as she already struggles to get her words out in the right order sometimes. This would probably cause her to feel embarrassed which in turn would make her anxious and she would most probably end up either having a panic attack or she would think people are laughing at her which would cause her to become angry. She also will randomly stop talking sometimes and talk back to the voices she can hear so I don’t want people at the wedding to see her doing this as this would probably embarrass her too. DP blew up at me and said she’s his sister and if I’m so embarrassed of her then maybe we shouldn’t have a wedding at all because these things could all happen even if she doesn’t give the speech. He also said I clearly just don’t like SIL because she has mental health issues and I want people to think my family is perfect with no issues.

Im genuinely at a lost because I don’t think it’s fair to put her through unnecessary stress but Dp thinks I’m just embarrassed of her which is not the case I love her like my own sisters I’m just trying to look out for her. I’ve already made exceptions for her at the wedding to make her as relaxed as possible like making her a special role as “brides helper” so she gets to wear the bridesmaids dress but doesn’t have to walk down the aisle with us and she is going to sit at the back so if she needs to leave she can leave easily. She is also going to be sitting at a table with just her and my DD and DS as she is very relaxed around them and that way she will be not around a lot of people.

so AIBU to not let her give the speech?

traditionally the speeches are
best man
brides father
groom (which is really thank yous)

This. You don’t have to have a traditional format, of course - but the obvious way out would be to say that’s what you want. Then your dad speaks for you (yes, I know - but that’s basically what it was - all wedding traditions are pretty sexist when it comes down to it!), your DH speaks for himself and the best man (sort of!) speaks for DH as well.

I can see where you’re coming from, has your partner thought about how much she would probably hate it though? Has he got a friend or other relative who could speak on his side? He’s probably just feeling the lack of the supportive family that you have rather than specifically wanting to put his sister in that situation.

IF however they both really want her to speak it is right that it should happen and if her disabilities/MH condition make it an unusual speech it’s up to your guests to be polite. Would it be an option to get her to do a v short reading in the service instead?

Also get your parents to do a “joint speech” as I can imagine two parental speeches on one side and none on the other will really make your partner feel crap.

Traditionally, the groom's family don't give speeches - it's the groom himself and his best man. Interesting that he isn't bothered about the unfairness of the bride not getting to give a speech at her own wedding.

If he isn't having a best man, like it or not, people will see her speech as being in place of the BM's speech; and the BM's speech is the one that is supposed to be the 'star of the show' - not just thanking people for coming and saying what a wonderful day it is, but an actual polished 'performance'.

It does sound like she may not actually want to give the speech herself - has anybody asked her? I think it might sound like a kindness to give her the opportunity, but in reality, it's just exposing her to a lot of certain feelings of embarrassment and humiliation, however supportive people are.

How does he think she would feel if she steels herself and stands up to start giving the ersatz BM's speech, has an 'episode' of one kind or another, and then guests who don't really know her roar with laughter at what they think is a comedic 'act' and waiting for the punchline, when it's just her normal personal challenges manifesting themselves?

I think your partner is not acting in his sisters best interests. If she felt pressured into being a bridesmaid and had a panic attack at the thought of everyone looking at her, how is it in her best interests to put her in a position of everyone looking at her talking?? I'd be hurt that he is saying that it's because you're embarrassed about her, and also saying you shouldn't get married. He is making this all about him (and how he doesn't have anyone to male speeches) and not her.

I'd be telling him this and saying if she genuinely wants to do this and it won't stress her out then that's fine, but you want to be there when he asks her so that you can make it clear this is not for you, youre not fussed about speakers, its only for her if she feels like she has anything she wants to say, and you won't be at all upset if she doesn't want to, and she can have some time to think about it.

It's not really fair both of your parents are doing speeches, I'm sure he's already sensitive about his lack of family support from his side at the wedding and that would make it glaringly obvious to all what he is missing out on.

Could she do a video in advance? You know like.a few photos of her and her brother when they were young,few stories and then her and you and him now. Few minutes and the talking over it. Just about welcoming you to the fsmily etc. Would.give her the opportunity to have it edited etc and on the day just show it.

I think your husband is feeling it that he's got so little family showing up for him as you have both parents speaking. But as an alternative could someone sit with her and write something she would like to say and then speak with or for her if it's too much. Is there a friend/cousin of your husbands or even someone on your side that could support her in this. That way she doesn't feel the pressure to stand up as it's a big thing to do and she still gets to add her bit. Otherwise I would cut one of your parents, both is a bit much

To be honest, if you are going to have speeches at a wedding, it would make a lot more sense imho to get people who would both enjoy it and do a great job, rather than just automatically assigning it to certain people, however confident/willing/unsure/terrified they are at the prospect.

If you think about the opposite end of the family happiness stakes - funerals - you usually have an experienced and confident vicar or celebrant leading the speaking - but then, IF there is somebody in the family who wants to contribute in a significant way, and is capable of doing so appropriately, this can usually be embraced as well.

This is a really good idea! A pre-recorded video would be great, if SIL is up for it.

I haven't read all replies, but what about an usher role instead or as an option instead of doing a reading? Hand out order of the day as people walk in and hand out bubbles/confetti/petals at the end? Possibly with someone else she trusts to support her? OR, could she pre-record a reading if that would be more comfortable for her?

If he does want to ask her, could he at least frame in a way that is more genuinely asking her if she wanted to do this rather than asking if she will do it for him if that makes sense? So there is no obligation to say yes? Something like - 'I want to make sure you feel a part of my special day - I know you are going to be a bride's helper which I am so pleased about. If you also wanted to do a toast or something else then let me know but it is up to you - just having you there is so wonderful for me and I want you to enjoy the day fully.'

It does sound as though she would find it incredibly stressful.

An alternative option is to ask your parents (or one of them) also speak about your partner in their speeches and show he is very much part of the family - some parents speak wholly about their child, others do it more about the couple. One of them could also speak to his sister beforehand and get some stories or reflections and include those in their speech?

ps. I'd also make the point to your partner that your parents asked! They actively want to do this. Ultimately, I think you have to say that you would be thrilled if she wanted to speak, you are just concerned that she will find it very stressful in the run up and on the day based on how she was at the dress fitting.

Does he not have a best man and is he not doing a speech himself? Those are the usual speeches for the groom's "side".

I think this would be a much better solution than having her do it on the hoof - and she would probably feel a lot happier this way too.

If you include a few timing-dependent photos or a bit of video footage, that provides the perfect justification as to why it has to be 'produced' in advance and can't be delivered live.

You could even get her to record it as one great big long memory/thought-dump, with the plan that it will be edited down to a more concise length afterwards, to fit the available time.

That way, you can edit out random memory dead-ends about something meh that Uncle Colin once commented on in the park one weekend about thinking it was a Wednesday, in favour of that all-time hilarious family classic about when the group of excited, selfie-seeking foreign tourists in London were utterly convinced that the groom was Jason Donovan! Then, in the editing process, you (or whoever 'helps' her with it) can also remove any other inappropriate or embarrassing (not in a good way) parts.

If she really wants to say something but would struggle due to the aforementioned reasons, why not help her put together another form of message rather than a live speech. For example, record a video where she talks about you and she can add some lovely photos and suitable music. You would of course need screen to show it on but I am sure it's doable. She gets to honor you both and it will be stressfree for you as you know exactly what to expect ❤️

You need to let her, if she wants to do it.

even if she fails, who cares. Guest politely listen and round of applause at the end. If it helps tell her if she’s stressing of forgets all she needs to do is say thank you, please be upstanding for the bride or whatever. Give her something easy to remember she can say and sit down.

fwiw, I have known many dyslexics and the majority of them have developed the ability to memorise massive texts as a coping mechanism. I knew a guy doing a PhD who couldn’t make notes, so he memorised lectures.

there are also other things to assist- a PowerPoint with photos or simple sentences to jog her along, so she can say a few words about each photo as she goes.

i think it’s very hurtful to both her and your dh to just assume she can’t do it.

I'm going to agree with pp and say that speeches are pointless, boring and go on too long.
How about just you and your husband stand up and thank people for coming and add a couple of general remarks?
No anxiety and no boredom.

I'd say no to SIL, although it sounds as though she hasn't been asked anyway. I'd be stressed at the number of things which could go wrong based on your OP. And being stressed over indulging someone else on my wedding day isn't an option.
I'd also sit down with your husband to be and agree what you both want in terms of speeches.
You and your fiancé should not be stressing over something as ridiculous as speeches.

Why won't DP have anyone "speaking for him". Doesn't he have a best man?

If she wanted to make a speech I'd agree with him that she shouldn't be prevented because it might be embarrassing, but it doesn't sound like she would.

Its DPs wedding too - so its not really for you to 'let' her speak - its up to him.

But you need to find a diplomatic solution. You can't have an array of speakers on your side and none on his.

Does he have a best man?

Could sister give a toast instead of a speech?
Could your mum and dad give a joint speech?
Could you skip speeches entirely and just have toasts?

Must have been at rubbish weddings with terrible speakers.

Every wedding I've been at the speeches have been the best bit by far. Funny, touching - they are what make the day special and about the couple.

The video idea is a good one here if she would go for it.

OP actually, if your family / you had been thoughtful, you would have anticipated that having your parents giving speeches would be really insensitive if your DH had nobody to reciprocate.

My parents dressed down at my wedding to avoid showing up / embarrassing DH's parents, who would not have been comfortable in posh clothes. I didn't need to discuss this, it was obvious they needed to be considerate.

I'm surprised your parents both thought of their desire to make a speech rather than considering as a priority the sensitive family situation of your DH. I am also surprised that you didn't point the situation out to your parents wflhen they asked.
If they want to give a speech and you have prioritised that, I think the necessary counterbalance is you accepting a speech or equivalent from SIL.

Why not support her instead to put something together? She could talk through some slides of childhood pics of them together or something.

If she wants to do a speech, could she pre record it?

Has anyone actually asked her if she wants to give a speech? It sounds to be like something she would utterly hate to do from what you've said - all the people looking at her etc. If she can't handle being a bridesmaid she will surely not want to give a speech? This may be a non issue if you actually ask her if she would like to?