AIBU to not let SIL make wedding speech?

[Dontknowwhattodooooo]

Hi guys abit of a long one sorry in advance!

Me and DP have been together for 12 years, we are getting married in a few weeks. Dp has a younger sister who has very severe mental health problems. She has spent the last 5 years in and out of inpatient mental health facility’s. She is doing well now but needs carers everyday. For weekdays she has carers come to her then at the weekend Dp mostly looks after her apart from the odd days when I will go to help her for the day. Her and DP are very close due to this and also they grew up in the care system so he always looked out for her since they was kids.

Now SIL is genuinely lovely but due to her mental health conditions she is very unpredictable, she has extreme paranoia about people looking at her and laughing at her, she also hears voices so sometimes she believes she can hear people’s thoughts. Her mood can change with no warning from “normal” to extreme anger or depression or she can also become manic. If she has these outbursts she can become violent or put her self in danger or harm herself on purpose. She also has panic attacks and flashbacks which can cause her to have a seizures. Being under stress or feeling anxious can trigger these outbursts and make them worse and it’s very hard to calm her down in especially in public.

this brings me to my problem. At the wedding my mum and my dad both want to give a speech to which we said ok fine no problem. DP then said he doesn’t have any one speaking from his side can SIL do it for him. The problem is SIL is also severely dyslexic so she is not the best at reading so wouldn’t be able to read a speech from anything, she also wouldn’t be able to remember a whole speech. I told DP I don’t think it’s fair to SIL to give the speech due to she would have to make it up on the spot which she wouldn’t be good at as she already struggles to get her words out in the right order sometimes. This would probably cause her to feel embarrassed which in turn would make her anxious and she would most probably end up either having a panic attack or she would think people are laughing at her which would cause her to become angry. She also will randomly stop talking sometimes and talk back to the voices she can hear so I don’t want people at the wedding to see her doing this as this would probably embarrass her too. DP blew up at me and said she’s his sister and if I’m so embarrassed of her then maybe we shouldn’t have a wedding at all because these things could all happen even if she doesn’t give the speech. He also said I clearly just don’t like SIL because she has mental health issues and I want people to think my family is perfect with no issues.

Im genuinely at a lost because I don’t think it’s fair to put her through unnecessary stress but Dp thinks I’m just embarrassed of her which is not the case I love her like my own sisters I’m just trying to look out for her. I’ve already made exceptions for her at the wedding to make her as relaxed as possible like making her a special role as “brides helper” so she gets to wear the bridesmaids dress but doesn’t have to walk down the aisle with us and she is going to sit at the back so if she needs to leave she can leave easily. She is also going to be sitting at a table with just her and my DD and DS as she is very relaxed around them and that way she will be not around a lot of people.

so AIBU to not let her give the speech?

Another vote for pre-record, maybe with a slide show if you can source a projector - then everyone will be looking at the pictures and not at SIL.

It must be very shit to be in your husband's situation and be faced with having noone to give a speech yet you have two. It must just be making him not think clearly but maybe it's a bit insensitive to have 2 people when he has noone.

OP has already answered that.

I think this is wedding stress on the part of your DH, and possibly even some stress he's feeling on behalf of his sister.

Don't say anything for a few days, and speak to him when he's calm and relaxed. Tell him what you've said here: that it's not best FOR HER. He will know this, seeing as he cares for her daily. And maybe all three of you can talk it over together.

He's gone off on one at you, which isn't fair. Try to let it go if you can, the build up to a wedding can be a lot for many people.

Yes, that's why I think just the OP and her husband make short speeches.

@Dontknowwhattodooooo I completely understand where you are coming from and your empathy towards your SIL speaks volumes, she is very lucky to have you.

I think you could do with sitting your DP down and telling him exactly what you have told us and maybe suggest that on the day he gives her a bouquet of flowers or something so creating a special moment for them both.

Your SIL is then not pressured, if she wants to say a few words great no pressure and it is just off the cuff. If she doesn’t that’s ok too because both siblings are having a lovely moment just the 2 of them. What do you think OP?

The easiest thing would probably be to tell your parents they can't speak.

perhaps your partner could help SIL write the speech before the wedding and she can ask someone to read it on her behalf on the day, with her standing next to the person reading it, so everyone knows it's her speech, but she doesn't have to say it herself.

would that work?

failing that honestly I'd just elope. I couldn't stand the stress of it all.

Pre recording it is a great idea. I can see why your husband is not happy as There are 2 speeches from your side. Whilst she has a disability she should not be excluded. Maybe as PP say, just you and your DH give speeches and then both sides of the family are covered.

Why are both your parents giving a speech? Pick one. And his best man should give a speech. That’s enough.

This is a lovely idea.

Traditionally the person that "speaks for" the groom is the best man, not the grooms parents. So while yes, your OH might be feeling upset that he doesn't have any representation there in terms of family, I think it's all getting a bit muddled up in the pre wedding nerves.

Getting married is a big milestone, it's in essence the joining of two wider families and it might be bringing up some difficult feelings and fears for him, which is totally understandable. He might be feeling unsupported and a bit lonely under the wedding spotlight, and if his sister hasn't asked to speak, it's not making any sense to try to get her to do it. Let him sleep on it, see if you can get him to open up about any fears and feelings he's having and see if you can work out another way that will help him lay those to rest without throwing SIL under the cart, it sounds like it would be a nightmare for her.

Of course it would be unreasonable to ask her, as you have explained (to those who have read the thread) that she will agree to what someone asks her to do, even if she doesn't want to and she has already said she can't even walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid because people will be looking at her. So there is no way she is going to be able to cope with everyone looking at her while she tries to make a speech <-- something that probably 90% of the population would hate, too, IME. It would be quite unkind to put her in such a position.

However, I'm not really sure what your dh's argument is. Typically at a wedding, the bride's father welcomes people and thanks them for coming. then the groom gets up and say something about his lovely wife, thanks people for coming and for the presents, and thanks people who have helped organised the wedding, then compliments the bridesmaids. Then the Best Man thanks the groom on behalf of the bridesmaids and makes his speech.
So, the groom's "side" if he wants to use that language, has 2 people speaking to the bride's side's one person.
You've evened that up by having your Mum speak as well, but he's surely still go himself and the best man ?
Why on earth would he want to put his sister on the spot like that ?

I think it is unusual that both your parents are going to give a speech. Usually one parent speaks on behalf of both. What on earth do they both have to say that one can't say? Are they separated?

I think your fiancé should speak to his sister. It sounds like they have a very close relationship. He could ask her if she'd like to say anything on the day, or if she doesn't want to speak herself if she'd like to write out a speech with him and they'll get someone else to read it. For example, you mam. Your dad could give a speech on behalf of both your parents and your mam could read out the speech on behalf of his sister. It would be a lovely touch and unite both the families.

I assume most people going will know of her issues and will absolutely not be judging anything that might or might not happen. I think it's unnecessary for both of your parents to speak, but I think if it's important to your fiancé to include his sister then she should absolutely be accommodated in whatever way makes her the most comfortable.

Give her a list of ideas, including the speech and individual helper tasks, and let her pick which she wants to do from the list.

It's 'their' wedding! Why do both her parents need to speak? Maybe find a less stressful role for his sister on the day but if he is insistent then she needs to do it. Help her 'write' her speech and keep it very short.

Both parents making a speech?
That’s unusual
Father of bride and Best Man.
Only two and best kept short and snappy.

I very much doubt if the SIster even wants to do one with everyone staring - It’s nerve wracking even for “good” public speakers. ( EG work presentations )

Doesn’t the best man do a speech on behalf of the groom? Then the father of the bride (but in this case, both parents as a joint enterprise).

I think you can argue that it is rather odd for a member of the groom’s family to also give a speech and that SiL would find it very stressful so would be a really unfair thing to ask of her.

I don't know what issues she has but she sounds exactly like a relative of mine who is a paranoid schizophrenic and I know that even the idea of giving a speech to a room packed with people would genuinely stress him out to the point I'd be worried it would trigger an episode. I think maybe it's best if you speak to your sil and ask her if she'd be comfortable with it. It's not really up to your DP, it should totally be her choice. Really hope you are able to figure something out and congrats on your impending wedding 😊

This is a fab idea

A pre-recorded message sounds really great!

As the thread has grown and other people have pointed it out I have realised that it's quite insensitive for both your parents to give a speech when your husband was brought up in care. I would reconsider that. I would also have a chat with him and tell him that his sister was very anxious about having all eyes on her as a bridesmaid so might feel very uncomfortable making a speech but feel obliged to do so if he asks her. Is he having a best man/woman?

Does DP have a best man?
Two speeches - His best man and your parents jointly.

Have you any knowledge/experience of what it means to have been brought up in the care system OP? I think you need to do some research before marrying a man who's been through it. It will have a huge impact in his future relationships.

I'm not surprised he's feeling very sensitive about having "no one"

Has anyone asked her?