AIBU to not let SIL make wedding speech?

[Dontknowwhattodooooo]

Hi guys abit of a long one sorry in advance!

Me and DP have been together for 12 years, we are getting married in a few weeks. Dp has a younger sister who has very severe mental health problems. She has spent the last 5 years in and out of inpatient mental health facility’s. She is doing well now but needs carers everyday. For weekdays she has carers come to her then at the weekend Dp mostly looks after her apart from the odd days when I will go to help her for the day. Her and DP are very close due to this and also they grew up in the care system so he always looked out for her since they was kids.

Now SIL is genuinely lovely but due to her mental health conditions she is very unpredictable, she has extreme paranoia about people looking at her and laughing at her, she also hears voices so sometimes she believes she can hear people’s thoughts. Her mood can change with no warning from “normal” to extreme anger or depression or she can also become manic. If she has these outbursts she can become violent or put her self in danger or harm herself on purpose. She also has panic attacks and flashbacks which can cause her to have a seizures. Being under stress or feeling anxious can trigger these outbursts and make them worse and it’s very hard to calm her down in especially in public.

this brings me to my problem. At the wedding my mum and my dad both want to give a speech to which we said ok fine no problem. DP then said he doesn’t have any one speaking from his side can SIL do it for him. The problem is SIL is also severely dyslexic so she is not the best at reading so wouldn’t be able to read a speech from anything, she also wouldn’t be able to remember a whole speech. I told DP I don’t think it’s fair to SIL to give the speech due to she would have to make it up on the spot which she wouldn’t be good at as she already struggles to get her words out in the right order sometimes. This would probably cause her to feel embarrassed which in turn would make her anxious and she would most probably end up either having a panic attack or she would think people are laughing at her which would cause her to become angry. She also will randomly stop talking sometimes and talk back to the voices she can hear so I don’t want people at the wedding to see her doing this as this would probably embarrass her too. DP blew up at me and said she’s his sister and if I’m so embarrassed of her then maybe we shouldn’t have a wedding at all because these things could all happen even if she doesn’t give the speech. He also said I clearly just don’t like SIL because she has mental health issues and I want people to think my family is perfect with no issues.

Im genuinely at a lost because I don’t think it’s fair to put her through unnecessary stress but Dp thinks I’m just embarrassed of her which is not the case I love her like my own sisters I’m just trying to look out for her. I’ve already made exceptions for her at the wedding to make her as relaxed as possible like making her a special role as “brides helper” so she gets to wear the bridesmaids dress but doesn’t have to walk down the aisle with us and she is going to sit at the back so if she needs to leave she can leave easily. She is also going to be sitting at a table with just her and my DD and DS as she is very relaxed around them and that way she will be not around a lot of people.

so AIBU to not let her give the speech?

I think it’s up to DP and it would probably be lovely as long as she wants to do it.

If she does they can prepare a little plan in case she gets overwhelmed.

It might affect your relationship negatively if you dig in over this so maybe just take it as it comes.

I wouldn’t want it neither. Why should you want to worry about your special day being made about her and her overwhelm issues?

I don't think any of this is out of concern for SIL. It sounds more like you're worried she'll spoil your wedding by having meltdown. Because it really isn't your place to decide what someone's illness or disability allows them to do, but you're using this as an excuse because you don't want her to attempt to make a speech.

If your DP wants to ask her, then he should be allowed to ask her. If she says yes then backs out later, so be it.

Two parents speaking on 'your' side and they were in the care system together. Unsurprisingly he's had an emotional reaction to this.

You need a solution you can both get behind. Recorded speech on both sides? One speech on both and his can be his sister but maybe prerecorded. Give her a list of possible roles and decide on one. He chooses someone else to speak. Just any solution which helps his sister and him and represents him on the day.

It sounds like you are more worried that she will embarass you than you are about her. You don't "make exceptions", you include people and meet their needs. He can just ask her if she wants to do a speech or not. Have all the people saying tell her no missed the bit where he doesn't want to marry you if you exclude her? You will have a much better day, and joint life, if you drop the need to follow the usual protocol and do what works for the family.

It sounds like the fact that both your parents are making speeches is making your husband feel like the wedding is a little one sided and emphasising that he doesn’t have close relatives anymore. Perhaps tone down all the speaking if it’s making him feel upset?

You’ve gone out of your way to make the wedding as comfortable and relaxing for her and then your DP wants her to stand up in front of everyone and make a speech. She’s just going to feel anxious all day, it’s quite unfair to put that on her it’s cruel almost.

The fact he has no one from his side making a speech has obviously triggered feelings. I don’t think stressing his sister out is the solution. Maybe you could ask that it’s just your dad that does the speech or maybe ask your mum to have a word. Say that your dad would like to do the traditional father of the bride speech but she would like to talk about him as she’s aware there’s no one on his side and she’d like to put that right for me him.

"He also said I clearly just don’t like SIL because she has mental health issues and I want people to think my family is perfect with no issues."
I think he's being very unfair to you.

"at first she was going to be a bridesmaid but when we was all trying the dresses on together she literally had a panic attack saying everyone will be staring at her, she’s too scared she only agreed to make me happy Which is why I changed her role to “brides helper”

It sounds like you have a better insight into how to help her and have put more thought into making it a manageable and more enjoyable occasion for her than he has.
His reaction is .. she will make a speech.. he hasn't even asked her yet... or worked out a way to find out what she would really be comfortable with.

But because you have, he's accusing you of not liking her. That's really unfair.

as other pps have said, is he feeling under represented in the wedding perhaps, but he's not being fair to her either it seems?
Still no reason to accuse you of the worst of intentions when you are trying to make his suggestion work in a way that's comfortable for his sister.

Why both parents? Usually it's father of the bride and best man. One each.

Is this him, not her - it's not fair, you have two people speaking, waaaaaahhhhhh ...

She had a panic attack just at the thought of being stared at. How on earth does he think she can cope with public speaking? Most people say they hate it anyway. Seems like he's putting himself first.

Safest thing would be if just one of your parents and his best man speak. Your guests won't thankyou for more. Especially if it's embarrassing.

I agree, get a video to play in where she can share photos and speak comfortably without an audience.

I get that sometimes all parents will make a speech or whatever, but when you’re marrying someone who grew up in care and has no family to speak for him then it’s highly insensitive to have both your parents speak. Did you even think? Did you parents even think?

Stick with one. He gets his best man. Job done.

Don’t put this presssure on your sil she won’t be able to cope and won’t enjoy the day.

Just have no speeches that’s the best option, enjoy your wedding.

If she had asked to and it meant alot to her then I'd let her. But it's him asking her to something that will be hard for her for his benefit. He's being selfish and unfair I think.

Why don't you talk to her about it without asking her outright and putting her on the spot?

You seem to have navigated the bridesmaid issue okay, ask her 'if people were offering to do speeches would she want to? Or would she hate the idea?' if she hates the idea then it's problem solved in some ways, if she likes the idea then maybe do a pre-recorded video montage instead of multiple people saying things? So your DH still gets to be represented but it stops any issues of stage fright/anxiety for your SIL.

I also hate the speeches at wedding, the last one I went to was awful, I felt so bad for them.

Hello everyone thanks for all the suggestions! There all very helpful I love the idea of a recorded message and I think this would help her the most whilst still including her as a speech. And like others have said we can edit it if she says anything that doesn’t need to be included. The reason my mum and dad both want to give a speech is because they are separated I think it’s a way to not let the other be one up so we just said yes to stop any unnecessary drama on that side. I also love the idea from a pp to give her a list and let her pick what she wants to do because then she can decide before the day and let us know any of her concerns.
I have spoken to DP more about this and he said he understands that it’s not common for grooms family to speak but his sister is literally the only family he has that’s why he wants to include her because it’s always been them together and he wants her to feel like he will still always be there which I understand I then voiced all my concerns to him and he said he understands and he was thinking more about standing up and doing a joint speech. I think this is a nice idea also.
we are going to see SIL tonight for dinner so we can talk to her and suggest ideas and see what she comes back with!

The joint speech with DH and SIL sounds like a lovely, lovely idea.

This is definitely not the case! I have been with DP since we was 16, she has been my family for 12 years regardless of if we was married or not! Nothing she says or does embarrasses me because she can’t help her behaviour and the majority of people coming to the wedding are aware of that too. This is genuine concern because last time we had to take her to a event this size (family funeral) she got so upset and overwhelmed that she split her head open because like I said before she hurts herself and puts herself in danger! So no actually this is about making sure she has an equally good day as me and my DP and is as smooth sailing as we can get it!

How about a short reading? Lovely way for her to be involved but much less pressure than a speech. Maybe a short / poem style one that's easy to read or remember - then if she feels good after that she could add a toast on the end.

Could she do the toast instead. Let your parents do the speech, best man do his then get her to just say please raise a glass to the bride and groom. Or if still too much could she give out the confetti/rice/bubbles for when you leave the ceremony. She going to be sat with your kids so she has that job and that might be enough.

Just don't have your parents or his sister give a speech. Your partner can do a quick thank you all for coming, toast the bridesmaids and bride.

Is she wants to do it, I wouldn't have any problem to give her a few lines talking about her DB. He can help her to write some lines and he will really appreciate that his DSis in making that progress/effort.
But only if she wants it and fell good about it.

I think you're right, it doesn't sound like it's a good idea at all for SIL to give a speech. Also it's not common for groom's family to give speeches anyway, he'll have a best man giving a speech I'm assuming?

My dad had English as a second language and I knew that he (with the help of my mum) would struggle with the Father of the Bride speech.

An older cousin helpfully suggested that her dad had only thanked people for coming to her wedding. (I was her Flower Girl, but couldn't remember the speech.}

I passed that onto Mum. At the wedding, Dad just said "My friends - thank you all for coming. Weary and Dh! [whilst lifting glass].

Someone from Dh's side complimented Dad on the best speech he'd ever heard at a wedding...

Worth considering something similar?

I really doubt given the context of her feelings about being bridesmaid that she'd want to. I don't have her mental health issues but I'd have HATED to make a speech at a wedding! Just thinking about the pressure, all eyes on me, trying to come across as amusing yet heartfelt... I'd probably end up a paranoid, wooden, stuttering, sweaty red faced mess feeling worse and worse with every ill timed joke followed by polite, awkward laughter, looking out at a sea of bored faces... ugh! I can do public speaking in a work context but not this!

I don't think you sound like you're embarrassed by her btw. My sis got married recently and asked me if I'd like to do a reading but made it clear it was up to me, as she knows me and wanted me to be comfortable! I declined and that was fine. It sounds to me like you are considering your SIL but your DH to be is being a bit defensive as he is already feeling vulnerable about not having any other family there. Maybe your dad could give a speech, possibly with your mum (are they still together/amicable?) along with the best man (as is tradition). Then your SIL (and mum if a joint speech isn't an option) could do the toast?

I'd cancel the speeches.

You and DP stand up and toast family and friends, with a special shout out to SIL.

This sounds lovely and sweet.