Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

Op you need to ditch the lot who had a go at you ASAP. I'm taking your account at face value, and having thrown many bday parties and had ppl late all the time and I'm the kinda person who hates lateness I have never ever pulled anyone up on it privately let alone in a group setting. a reasonable person understands you can't leave the house till your hubby got there as you explained. As for little miss 'I have 4 kids' that may be the case but she probably had someone there to take over when she needed to leave so what she said made no sense at all. If you could have made drinks you would have and you made it to dinner that's the main thing. I don't blame you for crying. I'd be crying too if it were me. Op, you've done nothing wrong and I' hope you're feeling better now. Xx sending hugs.

They were good friends before this happened. Solid. I just can’t understand it.

Sorry op.. forgot to say don't see them again unless you get an apology or an explanation that you're happy with.

The ones having a go at you clearly aren't actually your friends. They don't have he empathy to realise how difficult things are for you and only care that you should make sure that your difficulties don't impact on them at all so that they can igbore them. Perfectly ok to not see those ones again, they don't understand the nature of friendship.

The one(s) who tried (ineffectually) to stand up for you may be worth keeping in touch with. It would have been good if they could have done more but it's difficult to hold a line when it's birthday-girl being a bitch, so they might be forgivable.

assuming they knew about your surgery and your DH nrws, that was awful. You made the effort, they were awful to you

Well, OP, I think you've just learned that some of those people are not your friends.

Are you all 12?

Goodness knows why you stayed for dinner. I'd have walked out. Its a birthday not a fucking royal wedding.

The term is "fairweather friends" - lovely to spend time with so long as everyone is doing ok and there's nothing difficult going on, or perhaps all that's required is to nod sympathetically over a glass of wine. You only find out if they are real friends when the going gets tough

When you're ready, maybe ask the question about where the outburst came from. But you did nothing wrong so don't second guess yourself at all. There's no excuse for being so rude to a guest at your bday event. You showed up! Where's the respect for that?

People change unfortunately and they aren't good friends now. Personally I would have just got up and walked out on the lot of them but it's too late now. What you do now is ditch the lot of them and if the ones who stuck up for you get in touch just maintain your friendship with them, not the others. They obviously don't see your life situation as valid or a good reason not to indulge them with your time and you don't really need 'friends' who think that little of your struggles. If they can turn this easily at your most vulnerable time then they were never the friends you thought they were.

I would be seriously upset too. It was a one off but even if it wasn’t people can’t always help that life happens. They know you and know that you don’t flake usually. Whilst I know you are upset was it a one off for the birthday girl or indeed anyone to act like this - it can’t be the first time someone has been late or had to miss part of something / an event. I think you would benefit from having a conversation and trying to get to the bottom. You have 13 years of history and that friendship should be able to withstand one row.

do you have a group what’s app
I’d put a message on there explain again the say you are stepping away from the gr for a while

Thank you everyone. I have been asking myself whether I was unreasonable or missed something. I just can’t see them in the same way.

Well the good news is that you have seen them all for who they really are.

I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

Why did this mean you couldn't make it to the drinks?

Did you explain it to them?

When people show their true colours, believe them.

I’m sorry that you have been treated this way.

I really wanted to walk out, but I didn’t because I really didn’t want to ruin her night. She was complaining later that the others hadn’t brought her anything, but she didn’t even thank me for my present and just put it the side.

am just so gutted. Only one of the group texted to check if I was okay afterwards. The conversation has continued on WA about girls holidays as if nothing has happened.

I'd be saying in the group chat something like 'I was shocked at some of the groups reaction to me missing part of the birthday evening. You know that I am not well and my husband has just had devastating news. He comes first and it was an unavoidable delay. That a few of you could not show any empathy has hurt me deeply. I'll be concentrating on my family for the time being'.

Crikey, what a bunch of self-absorbed tossers.
for you OP. People can prove to be not what you've hitherto thought they were. I'm so sorry you're going though such a rough time and that portion of your friendship group have no empathy or imagination. Take as long as you need to re-evaluate this. Take care of yourself. Very sorry to hear about your DH's diagnosis.

Yes explained I can’t leave the kids until he is back, but I would def be there in time for dinner.

Can I ask a question?

How often do you arrive late or cancel something which is pre-planned?

If this is the only time that this has happened then I would say that they are being really unreasonable. But, the fact that so many of them were in agreement makes me think that this isn't a one-off but a regular occurrence. And they have chosen a poor time and method to address it but that perhaps they do have some right on their side.

I have a friend from childhood who I love to pieces. She is late or cancels on me really regularly, often with very little notice. I would never stop being friends with her - she's someone who is important to me and I have an understanding of why this happens more for her - but she has lost a lot of friends over the years which I assume has come from this behavior because she is otherwise lovely.

It impacts me because I'll invite her for dinner, buy all of the ingredients, start the cooking and then she'll cancel. Or we'll agree to go for a meal and I'll keep the evening free and start getting ready and then she'll text. She would say that she always has good reasons - something is delayed; she is ill; she is tired - but the good reasons don't stop the impact on me.

With my friend I don't get cross with her because I know that it would upset her, but I do put limits on how and where I meet her and what I agree to do together which feels a bit sad sometimes.

I don't want to upset you when you've already had a very upsetting evening, but I wondered whether seeing this from the other side might be helpful.

That is really shit. I have learned over the years that people treat you how you let them. Don’t give them the opportunity to behave that way towards you again.

You were held late by an unexpected issue, you have a lot going on that they know about. The women who did that to you are not your friends.

Stay in the group and prioritise the women who are your friends. Put up an emotional wall for the ones who are not your friends, don’t consider them friends just acquaintances who are part of a common group, and move on once you feel strong enough. Their behaviour was appalling.

Oh wow, if I had been your friend I would have just been glad that you had been able to make some of it. I would have totally understood if you bowed out altogether tbh.

They were really horrible.

It’s a perfectly valid question. I am never late, quite anal about it. Apart from once because of covid, I don’t think I have ever cancelled. I am not a flaky person at all.

Does that even matter? She said she wouldn't make the drinks - it's not the Spanish Inquisition, or it shouldn't be!

OP, you did nothing wrong. Time to drop the ones who were horrible to you. Life's too short to spend precious time on immature brats!

Oh sod them then!

That's so strange they wouldn't all understand the late train and the DC situation though.