Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

I'm basing this response entirely on your opening post @Summerdays24 , but I think Friend A needs to grow up.

Life has a habit of getting in the way of things. Friend A wasn't left alone for the drinks bit of the celebrations and you did text to let them know that you wouldn't be around for the drinks. The "Married with Children" friend who was able to get to both the drinks and the meal, well I would have retorted "Are you looking for a medal because you were able to get to both parts of the celebration?" or something like that, so why were they being so horrible to you?

You didn't do anything wrong that I can see.

I’d message the whole group, as it wasn’t just birthday girl who was out of order, then take a step back.

Perfect 👍

As for this bit - "The conversation has continued on WA about girls holidays as if nothing has happened" if I were you I don't think I could let the behaviour in the restaurant go without making reference to it, so something like this:

"Hi everyone, I was very upset by how A, Married with Children friend and others spoke to me at the restaurant. I was and am still recovering from major surgery and I and DH just received some devastating news about his health. I believe that I'm entitled to ask for an apology from the people who piled on, saying that I should have been able to make it to the drinks and also to the restaurant when circumstances didn't allow that to happen and after I had already let A know that I wouldn't be there but would make the meal. I also don't remember being thanked for the gift but I do remember A complaining that others hadn't brought a gift, so what is it to be? For the foreseeable, I won't be going on any holiday so be sure not to include me in the costs associated with same. I wouldn't want to anger anyone by not stating my position from the start."

I'm actually very angry on your behalf @Summerdays24. You deserve better friends than the ones that piled on at the very least.

They are preparing to kick you out of the group because of your husbands illness. It happens. How you react now, be careful, they will make it look like it’s your fault

If this is truly what happened, I'd have walked out and that would have been the end of that.

That is an interesting take and quite plausible if they are aware of your husband's illness.

I'd put the WhatsApp group that you're in on mute for 1 year. You'll still get the messages but you won't be annoyed by the notifications (there isn't any mute option between 1 week and 1 year in case anyone is asking why for that long).

Then I'd stay in touch with the ones who were actually concerned for you. They are the ones that have shown in a situation like the one you were in, what a friend looks like.

Wow. Half of them need to grow the fuck up - what are they? 12?

Even without all of your current struggles (which are a lot!), you text to say you were not going to be able to make drinks but would be there for diner so I genuinely don't know what their issue is. Your life doesn't revolve around them and you contacting them to explain and got to the main part - surely thats better than just not turning up.

They were incredibly rude to you and it was completely uncalled for and unnecessary.

I would be seriously unimpressed with them and wouldn't consider them friends anymore.

You did nothing wrong - they were absolutely vile towards you and you shouldn't want anything more to do with them going forwards.

As an isolated incident they seem horrific!

But...is there a back story? Are you often late?

Friend A sounds incredibly self-absorbed and those who backed her up were awful too. In your position I would have nothing more to do with them, unless an apology was forthcoming

Maddy70 · Today 11:58
"As an isolated incident they seem horrific!

But...is there a back story? Are you often late?"

The OP has already answered this and she's not.

I'd have picked up the present on the way past...

@Summerdays24 They should have been pleased you managed to get there

Have you spoken to 'nice' friend since?

Because she couldn't get there in time??

What do you think??

Aarrghh - I'd drop the mean ones like hot potatos... I do not need that in my life! YANBU

I have got a horrible feeling this is excactly what it is all about. They are looking for a reason because they don’t want to be saddled with what it is to come. I am not the kind of person to go on about my problems, but we are not going to be able to have parties or do fun things for a while due to his treatment which will make him quite ill. I think they might have been looking for a way to ditch us, and make it look like my fault.

I am feeling quite devastated to lose my friends as well as dealing with this.

I feel more angry and used than anything else. I am at work and I can’t even concentrate.

Not everyone is happy to leave 13 year olds at home and possibly 'in charge' of other kids.

Depends on family dynamics

And the OP wasn't in the least flaky.

And we don't know HOW old the kids are anyway so stop projecting

I've already explained, you might need to look back on a couple of posts to see why I asked.

I think this sums it up

We do now, but again you might need to read the thread.

Step back and tell them exactly why. How dare they treat you like that. It's borderline bullying.

You wouldn't do that with my DGC

Not all children are the same, if you hadn't noticed

And it was a bloody DRINK
She was there for the meal

AND she was the ONLY one who bought a present!

At that point, where did it say the ages of other children?

That's horrible OP. Surely they must have form for this? You did nothing wrong.

It's amazing (and very sad) that some people ditch their supposed friends the minute there is any sign of illness.

I wonder why that is?

I think you should send her a message. I would state very clearly that you are angry and underwhelmed at her “Mean Girls” behaviour. You had spent a lot of time finding a present - unlike her coven of harpies that also chose to attack you. State that now more than ever, you realise that time is too short to waste it with
bitter, entitled, ill-mannered people and you would appreciate it if she lost your number.
Then block.