Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

why 'ditch all of them' when half the group stood up for her?

how "systematically?" if it was ONE occasion and OP herself has said their reactions came as a complete surprise, rather than an ongoing issue?
and half the 'gang' stood up for her?
You also don't know that they did any of it deliberately or their reasons for doing so were 'due to their own petty insecurities.' Birthday girl might just have been annoyed OP was late and reacted badly, with no underlying manipulation or reasons.

That's certainly not to defend the way OP was treated, which was indefensible, but it's weird to impose reasons and explanations based on an interpretation of events that you've completely made up, with no evidence- in fact that CONTRADICTS the account that OP, the only person who was actually there and knows them, has given.

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences but it's ridiculous (and quite frankly misogynistic) to extrapolate that all (or even most) female friendship groups are 'pure fakery' because of it.

To be honest when women say things like that I think its usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - women aren't stupid, and anyone who side-eyes or rolls their eyes at 'school gate mums' or 'big groups of friends' or makes statements like 'I get on better with men,' 'women are so bitchy,' 'can't think of anything worse than attending a hen party (or other female focussed activity),' 'women's friendship groups are so high maintenance,' isn't someone they WANT in their close friendship group, you then feel annoyed and left out which 'supports' your theory that women are bitchy and mean...and on it repeats.

Because to start with the whole group was criticising her-and let's be honest it's a really small thing and she let them know in advance she couldn't make it. Splitting into groups to disagree isn't really about supporting the OP it's about the group dynamic and establishing dominance, none of them had the well being of the OP in mind-which is why I would dump them.

again, you've completely made this up, contrary to what OP actually said. Read the opening post again. At no point did the whole group criticise her.

Birthday girl friend said something first and 2 others agreed with her. Then one friend stands up for OP, then another one said something not ridiculously mean but a bit passive aggressive, then "the group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me."

So birthday girl and 3 others (half the group) were mean, the other half not only didn't join in but actively defended OP. I don't know what more you can possibly expect?
The only thing you can say is that the other half didn't jump in IMMEDIATELY to defend OP but
a) the original interaction would have taken, what, 30 seconds, a minute? It's not as though they sat there for half an hour watching OP get shouted at,
b) perhaps they were just a bit shocked and taken aback because birthday girls' outrage was so unexpected, or/and
c) perhaps they felt a bit awkward and didn't want to start immediately arguing in a the middle of a restaurant, or having a go at the person whose birthday it was. Some people are very conflict-adverse and sounded like it escalated very quickly. As soon as it became apparent OP was upset they did get involved and stood up for her.

Putting myself in that circumstance, I can imagine to be sitting there having a good time, chatting away, and then an argument starts out of nowhere, to not immediately realise exactly what's happening (e.g. that it's not a bit of banter or a minor spat) particularly after a few drinks.

In most circumstances NOT jumping into an argument that doesn't directly involve you is the normal/most appropriate way to react. 8 people all talking over each other and escalating the drama is hardly the best way to resolve a situation, and lots of people wouldn't immediately jump in all guns blazing but would feel they had to get involved when it became apparent one party was very upset.

Suggesting you cut people you've been friends with for 13 years out of your life completely because they were present when someone else was mean to you, but didn't say anything cruel themselves and in fact actively defended you, is ridiculously OTT.

Y did u stay, I’d of left straight away, life’s too short for needless drama.

Yes I agree a 13 year friendship but does she need this crap no. Im finding I dont need this drama in my 50s.

What horrible fair weather friends. My friendship group turned on me when my baby was ill with a life threatening long term illness. I rather desperately/pathetically clung onto them despite this because I felt so vulnerable. As the years went by and her needs became complex and her autism and significant development delays became apparent and we were no longer able to go out for meals and drinks we were repeatedly made to look bad by them. I was angry and resentful for a long time and then I just quietly left every chat group and unfriended/followed them on social media. Grateful that they showed me who they were and that I’d finally listened. Some people are just tw*ts op. Stick to the few good ones. Best wishes to you and your husband.

They weren't good friends. They were bad friends in disguise

Oh my gosh , how ghastly for you. Don't be.embarrassed you cried I would have done the same at the shock the pain of such an unprovoked and cruel attack.

They err not you, you expected.to.arrive and find friends, not enemies.

Talk about the.mean girls from school.

Sounds like these horrible people should be filtered onto ex friends.list, as just not worth it.

Square your shoulders Darling lady, this is life, people and Earth.and you are obviously a lovely person whi will survive and thrive. Take heart, hang on, feel zilch embarrassment, keep going, and relish every ounce of decency others will.gift you as you travel.

Good luck to you and your family.

I lost a lot of "friends" when my husband was unwell and had to have a brain tumour removed. I guess people feel neglected when they aren't the centre of attention all the time. You should get rid of them horrible selfish people

That's awful and must have been very hurtful at a stressful time for you. Some people do seem to show their true colours when their friends' lives hit a difficult patch.

In my younger days I'd have done as you did and sat through it. Me now, would have got up and left tbh. Your transport fell through last minute in a way you had no control over, for which you had no need to apologise but had the courtesy to do so anyway. Birthday friend had the right to feel disappointed, but not to have a go at you over it, as for the pile on, others apparently saw it as an oppertunity to big themselves up, "I've got FOUR kids and i was on time!" being the prime example.