Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

Their behaviour is really I explicable, going by what you have said. I don't think that you've got any choice but to leave the group. This isn't the way that anyone should be treated. In fact maybe you should get a bit mad? Why would you want to socialise with these people?

Have you read OPS update?

Do. Do read it before you say any more

No I hadn’t. Our posts crossed.

but it seems OP has now got to the bottom of why her friend reacted so poorly. She’d been let down and disappointed by her DH. That’s a shitty explanation but as a one off might be forgivable. Or it might be the final straw in a long line of misdemeanours that ultimately mean the OP decides the friend is not worth bothering with.

I wouldn’t write off a 13 year friendship on the basis of one isolated incident although it sounds like I’m in a minority of one.

Having read your updates, they are complete bitches and youve not over reacted at all

Shit happens. A train got cancelled (presumably at the last minute) and you had no choice (you can't get a babysitter at that short notice and yes you can't leave a 7 year old alone). Id be wondering what did they actually, and realistically, expect you to do?

Even without your recent difficulties, it's a huge over reaction on their part and completely wrong of them to have a go at you. It wasn't your fault, it didn't achieve anything but make you cry, you aren't normally late so it's not like it's going to make any tangible difference for them to share their feelings. It's one person in a fairly large group for drinks and made no difference to the evening.

I have to agree the birthday girl sounds like a spoiled child, getting upset at her husband, complaining that no one got her presents other than you, not thanking you for her present etc

I would text her, explain as she felt entitled to share feelings you're doing the same and you found her having a go at you to the point of crying, for something that wasn't your choice / fault and had little impact on the evening (its not like a meal where you have to wait for everyone to order) to be extremely hurtful especially given they carried on even though they could see how upset you were, and that there was no allowance made for your recent difficulties etc. And see if she responds. Even if she does though I can't see you going back to proper friends, not because it's not possible but because you sound like a decent person and she doesn't, so I don't think you'll actually want to be friends with her even if you receive a grovelling apology (which I think is doubtful, she sounds too self absorbed to do any proper reflection)

@Summerdays24 Sounds to me like birthday twat was pissed off because nobody had brought her a present and so the others jumped in to pick on you to suck up to her in an attempt to appease her. This is not about you. Doesn't take away from the shit feeling. They should feel ashamed of themselves. You deserve far better friends. And I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Real friends would be supporting you with this, even if they don't quite know what to do. I hope you're feeling better today.

You really would be okay to be given such a dressing down in a restaurant that you spent the night in tears?

With half the table shooting daggers at you the entire meal?

Honestly?
You'd #bekindandunderstanding about that if it happened to you?

I don't believe you.

@DancingNotDrowning I see your point about not writing off 13 years of friendship for one incident. However, this is a pretty serious incident. Picking on the OP so badly that she was crying at what was meant to be a fun night out? When she needed a pick-me-up having recently had devastating news about her husband and surgery herself? Nope. To draw an analogy with a work scenario - this would be grounds for gross misconduct and they'd booted out the door right away, even though it's just one incident.

The whole reason adults have drinks before dinner is because adults have jobs and kids and commitments and it’s good to have a period of ‘turn up whenever’ time to allow for these.

That said, in my group even if you were forty minutes late to the actual dinner because something happened, nobody would’ve given a shit cos adults have jobs/kids/commitments.

get rid! Keep the nice ones

The birthday person is self involved and shouldn't be indulged in childish behaviour. It's also shitty that her friends kicked you while you were down too.

I'd find it hard to forgive, firstly you didn't do anything wrong. You were late due to circumstances beyond your controll, your reason was valid. And secondly they are shitty people to have a go at someone who is having a hard time .

I'd probably leave the group and be honest that you didn't agree with their behaviour.

Then stay in touch with those who supported you and any who apologise.

What a horrible toxic group of friends. Seriously life is too short to be part of this mean girls group. The birthday girl in particular sounds horrible, spoilt and entitled. I would break away and just stay in contact with the nicer ones.

How disgusting. Grown women acting like a pack of hounds.

I'm glad you're stepping back. Just concentrate on your lovely family. Be wary of saying anything in messages to supposedly supportive types.

Honestly OP I feel for you.
You being late was not your fault. You HAD planned it all. DH HAD planned to be back on time. The train got cancelled. That is not your fault and not his fault. You can't organise your way out of a cancelled train. You can't leave young DC on their own.
So they had a go at you for no reason and I think that's spectacularly unfair, with or without the additional context of your personal situation right now.

I think I would not go to the upcoming event. I think I would just take a back seat from them right now. You don't need this in your life given all else you have going on. But do tell them now that you're not going. I wouldn't bother telling them long explanation etc. Just say that given everything else going on in your life, you won't be going. Leave at that

That sounds awful op. If someone upset me so much that they made me cry then I'd have just left there and then.

Your 'friend' sound likes a drama queen. Marking per territory and laying the law that nobody should be late- a warning to others.

Often these groups are rather superficial.
drinks and laughs. Can be great, but not always deep friendships and only for the good times

Blimey.

I’d be very tempted to send a message to the group laying out the basic facts

Yes you missed drinks because of a cancelled train and no one to look after the kids.

You let the group know this as soon as you did.

You were on time for dinner, complete with gift, and somehow this was wrong.

Ask them if they would leave their children alone not knowing when their father would be back?

Thank them for the last 13 years, but if turning up on time for a meal, with a gift (which you have not been thanked for) is cause for a public berating then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE.

Then leave the group. And block the arseholes

The decent ones will stay in contact and you’ll probably have a much nicer time without the mean girls.

@CocoapuffPuff

You really would be okay to be given such a dressing down in a restaurant that you spent the night in tears?

I don't believe you.

I don’t believe I said I’d be okay with being treated so poorly. Although honestly I’d have removed myself far earlier than the OP did so it’s difficult to imagine being in the receiving end of a dressing down that would leave me so distressed.

I did say that I wouldn’t write off 13 years of friendship on the basis of an isolated incident. And that is true. That’s not to say I’d ignore it or that the friendship would remain unchanged but - in the same way the OP expected her friends and us to consider her specific circumstances regarding her and her DHs health- I would want to explore what had triggered such a venomous reaction.

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks. I don’t feel I can compromise my friend further by asking her what I should do re: the group, but she did say she herself saw them in a new light

Taking it out on friends because you have marriage problems, she deserves to have no one turn up for her birthday dinner next year.

It doesn't matter why you missed the drinks. Friends should not attack you like that. Your surgery and your DH's illness make how they treated you worse but you don't need to explain the hard time you are going through to them and try to excuse yourself. There are plenty of people in this world who will be nasty to us all we don't need it from 'friends'.

Can't believe they made you cry and didn't immediately apologise. Awful.

What were you supposed to do with your DC? Shove them in a cupboard?

I think it would depend on how much I liked her. If I wasn’t that fussed, I wouldn’t think twice about ending the friendship. If I liked her and could see that it was out of character, I’d be inclined to message her directly and say that you’d stayed quiet at the time because you were so shocked at her reaction and because you hadn’t wanted to have a row in a public place or make it even more awkward for the rest of the group, but now that you’ve calmed down, you want to know what the fuck that was all about. She knows you’re not in control of cancelled trains. It wasn’t a snub; there was nothing you could do about it and her response was completely irrational. It has been a nice friendship and you want to give her the chance to talk it out and hopefully resolve things. Is there anything she wants to talk about that’s causing her to say things so out of character? And then see what happens.

If she responds with an apology, and you value the friendship, then nothing is lost and she’ll understand for the future that you won’t tolerate her crap. If she responds negatively, then she’s shown you that she’s a shit friend and you can walk away knowing that nothing is lost.

Had it only been the one person I might agree but this was pack behaviour which carried on even after they had knowingly made OP cry and I just wouldn't be able to forgive that. It's downright nasty.

I’ve had health issues the last couple of years that have meant either myself or dh (as he needs to look after me) have had to cancel last minute dinners drinks.

We’ve never been treated like this by our friends. Not once.

I’d have probably just walked out on her tbh and taken my gift with me.

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks. I don’t feel I can compromise my friend further by asking her what I should do re: the group, but she did say she herself saw them in a new light.

So this is how I read it - birthday girl was upset and angry and feeling unloved by her DH. She then massively over reacted to you being late - seeing ias you also not prioritising her/being mean etc. Her core friends within the group backed her as they are sympathetic to how she feels.

But really, it's not okay.

I would send birthday woman a message saying that you were very upset that she was so aggressive with yoyu about being unavoidably late. You're not normally late, you apologised, and you made it in time for dinner and brought a nice gift for which she has not even thanked you. Tell her you understand if she has other things goign on in her life but this was extremely upsetting at a difficult time and you would really appreciate an apology. if she cant give you that, then it's time to move on.

What prompted such a venomous reaction was the birthday girls husband doung something wrong. OP was just the scapegoat. I also would have left early, possibly even immediately. But I'm not sure I'd be as forgiving as you. If you can actually do it though, kudos to you. I'm less tolerant. That kind of aggression would not be met with understanding.

So she took her anger out on you.

I'd back away from her unless she apologised, and then be very cautious of her.

Keep in touch with the nicer ones.

@Summerdays24 Hi Op, sending hugs to you. It wasn’t like you’d stood up one friend and they were sat there alone- sounds like she had plenty people there for the drinks!

I’ve recently experienced this (currently got my own thread up) of friends turning on me when I also had a bad time. They aren’t real friends. Real friends don’t do that- especially as you didn’t have form for it either.

Dont worry at all about people who aren’t worried about you. Sending you lots of love, I know it’s so hard.

I'd absolutely pull back from the friendship this lady and her acolytes. I wouldn't blow up the entire friendship group after 13 years but I wouldn't attend events at her house and I'd grey rock her in conversation.