Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

I reckon some of them were pissed by the time you got there. Tell the Wattsapp group you're taking a break to deal with recent personal issues and keep in touch with the nice ones

I think some people like to be contrary for the sake of looking edgy and oh so clever on threads
hint
They don't

If drinking is this important to you that you'd assume the OP should've rushed off and left her 13 year old babysitting younger DC, when you have absolutely no idea how capable the child is, or how young the siblings are, that's genuinely shocking.

Gobsmacked at PPs trying justify the birthday woman's behaviour. Even if the OP's reason for being late could be considered a bit flaky to other people, who in their right mind would pull her up on it it and reduce her to tears in front of all her friends? Most normal people would feel a little peeved and then quietly get over themselves, or at the very most gently explain to the friend the next day that they had felt a little hurt. Not submit the friend to trial by jury over dinner.

i could understand, perhaps, someone being a bit disappointed (not irritated as you had a good reason and doesn’t seem like it’s a pattern) if it meant they didn’t get to go for the planned drinks - but sounds like everyone else made it so that wasn’t the case.

Is the”birthday girl” a bit of a diva in other ways? She sounds hard work and I wouldn’t be inclined to socialise with her or her sycophants in future.

Given your struggles at the moment, I'd not withdraw from all of them or throw a grenade into the WhatsApp. You're going to need the good ones from this group as your husband's illness progresses.
Their protests might have felt a bit ineffectual, but they were hardly going to create a full on row in the restaurant on her birthday.

I'd contact those people and ask if you'd missed something happening in birthday girls life, or before you came, that caused her to react as she did. Say that you were uncomfortable about being emotional, but that this came out of the blue, that things are really tough, and you need your friends. Oh, and thank then for trying to defend you.

I was going to say similar. I have a friend who is always late. 60-90 mins and sometimes she’ll say “I’m in the taxi” and then not turn up AT ALL!
I hate going out with her because it usually ends up with us all sitting around, waiting, hungry.
It's rude and arrogant that she thinks her time is more important than ours.

However, I can see you’ve replied OP saying you’re never late so this reaction is bizarre. Especially if others joined in. Do they feel you always prioritise your husband perhaps?

I’m not defending the birthday girl.

I’m suggesting that if the OP has been friends with these women for 13 years it might be worth exploring what prompted such an apparently out of character attack.

OP is not going to get to the bottom of this without an honest conversation with at least one of the other attendees. Alternatively she can go NC and never speak to them again but that seems rather dramatic in response

I know at least one child is 13+ because I managed to read the OP 🤷‍♀️

Just to say my youngest has just turned 7, there is no way I would leave them. Dh was unsure when he would get back. I obv couldn’t take them with me.

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks. I don’t feel I can compromise my friend further by asking her what I should do re: the group, but she did say she herself saw them in a new light.

I feel like walking. I do have childhood friends and other people that I am close to, but I have had a really fun time with this group but maybe it is just superficial, despite us supporting other issues over the years. I have seen a different side to them.

She was in a bad mood and pissed. She might even be a little embarrassed about what happened but I doubt it. Is she the Queen Bee and her acolytes took her side (also pissed)?

If you really do want to say something to the group and withdraw, I think a pp has it right. Keep the reason non controversial.

Tell the Wattsapp group you're taking a break to deal with recent personal issues and keep in touch with the nice ones

But be aware that it might be difficult to keep the same relationship with the nice ones, as you don't have a routine or the momentum of your regular group get togethers, and they might feel awkward.

It’s not even to do with you going through a hard time, although you’d think real friends would cut you a bit of slack on the basis of that alone. The only relevant point is that you couldn’t leave your dc until your dh arrived back from work. Your dh’s train had been cancelled, therefore he was going to be late back, therefore you were going to be too late for drinks. It’s not rocket science, and should have been accepted without question by everyone. You’d at the very least expect a sympathetic acknowledgement of how you can’t rely on trains, rather than being attacked by half the group for something out of your hands! Try and stay in contact with the others, maybe individually, but in the same situation, I know I would leave the toxic WhatsApp group.

YAdefinitelyNBU!

‘Birthday girl’ 🤢

Some adults really are pathetic. Imagine being so self-obsessed and worried about yourself that you get mad someone was late for ‘birthday drinks’.

From your update OP it seems your birthday friend is a selfcentered moaner (you were late, she didnt open your present, other friends didnt bring her a present). Mssg her and explain you were upset at her reaction and see if she apologises. If she blanks the mssg then put the whatsapp on mute and tell them why. You are dealing with enough worries atm without shitty unsupportive friends too.

Following your recent update, I think birthday girl just sounds like a spoilt brat!
Disappointed in her husband, angry at you for not attending her drinks 🙄, angry at not having enough gifts…. I don’t think I’d want a friend like this!

Personally I would not throw the baby out with the bath water but I would be much more upfront if ever confronted again. She got passive aggressive, meet it with calling out her behaviour on the spot. “I’ve already explained my situation, I can see you are upset but honestly at this stage I can’t see what it has to do with me, I’m not a magician so I couldn’t magically sort the train, is there something else going on or do you just want me to leave, you are making this very unpleasant for me?”

She was completely in the wrong taking her feelings about her DH out on you but you know her better today than you did yesterday, you also know who her enablers are. Use that and be friends with the others and don’t go to anything the lap dogs are in control of.

So you got a kicking for her husbands misdemeanours?

Seriously, she punched you and her monkeys joined in, because HER dh hadn't bought her the shitty present she wanted???

If drinking is this important to you that you'd assume the OP should've rushed off and left her 13 year old babysitting younger DC, when you have absolutely no idea how capable the child is, or how young the siblings are, that's genuinely shocking

what an incredible piece of hyperbolic misrepresentation. I see your username suits 🙄

What I think is not important. But it seems the OPs friends did feel that missing drinks was flakey. They presumably do know the ages of the OPs children and have an idea of their capability. Unlike any of us.

alternatively OP has 6 week old twins, a toddler with additional needs, 4 other DC under 13 and an axe murdering next door neighbour who is currently out on bail. In which case the friends are arseholes.

but in most cases a conversation where you attempt to understand the other persons perspective rather than moving straight to NC leads to a happier outcome for all.

I haven't read all the responses so someone may have already mentioned it. I would say this this is likely to be nothing to do with your lateness on the night, which was perfectly valid, but your husband's diagnosis. Your friend is withdrawing from you because she doesn't want to deal with what's going to happen and how it will impact her in future.*
I would absolutely call her out on it and the rest of the group that supported her nasty behaviour.
*Edited to add... so she's trying to distance you from the group now so that she won't have to deal with it.

Well they aren't friends , awful behaviour.
Bin the lot and find new friends

Have you read OPS update?

Do. Do read it before you say any more.

She sounds like a massive dick op and owes you an apology
I would say though if you leave the group prepare to lose all the friendships but most of them don't sound like much of a loss.

Shame some people have never grown up

I honestly can't imagine getting so worked up about one person being late. Arsehole behaviour from the birthday woman and those siding with her - sounds like they are showing their true colours.

As a PP said I'd message birthday woman, give her a chance to apologise and if she doesn't I'd leave the group and keep in touch with the nice ones

I haven’t considered her a queen bee type before now, she is very friendly but quite demanding. She takes charge of lots of arrangements and she has a few closer friends within the group that are very loyal to her. Fair enough but I honestly don’t think they should have got involved. I was crying and they were still going at it!!

I think you know the answer, OP.

It's a spectacular cruelty to bring someone to tears in a restaurant and keep sniping going like that.

People do awful things when pissed, granted, it's still no reason to continue the beating.

Mute the group, protect your health and your family, look after your DH, focus on other friendships and move on from this pack of howler monkeys. Do NOT go to the bbq. Don't engage, don't look at any posts, don't respond to direct contact beyond " I'm taking some time out to protect my health and my family for the time being".

Let them get on with it without you.