Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

Remember it’s better to have a few really good friends than loads of shallow ones

Hell yes.

My Dsis once said to me when I was going through a awful time. You would rather be an Eagle flying happily on your own then be a flock of pigeons pecking at each other. I love all birds but it made sense in a strange way at the time to compare an Eagle to pigeons.
😉😀
I had a horrible situation similar to what you are going through OP and it was a very long time ago. I developed anxiety because of these women and looking back I didn't do anything wrong. They are bitches and will always be bitches.
I came out stronger in the end and the friends I have now, I know we will always have each other's backs. Look after yourself and your family. You will be fine.

Chances are this sort of thing has been going on between this group of friends for some time, but you have just become aware of it. Generally people are not good at handling disputes, so those not pitching in were probably wondering WTH is going on, so may have been slow to defend. Plus it's supposedly the bday girls special day, so people dont want to spoil it (no matter the behaviour). I'm guessing bday girl is a strong character, and probably a lynch-pin of this group, while everything is going her way I'm sure she's delightful - but like all narcissists cannot understand how anyone else's life is not centered around her.
Losing friends can feel very isolating (especially for you ladies), so you need to really evaluate just how much you need this group. By making a stand you will lose at least one friend, but need to be prepared to lose them all. With that in mind, I suggest you speak to birthday girl (without an audience) apologise for your lateness, but explain that in the real world shit happens and you have to prioritise your family first, and that as a mother/wife she should already know this. She is on the wrong.

I would keep in touch with the one or two friends who backed you up, but as for the rest, they can get to f*k, birthday girl can get to f*k twice over. Their lack of sympathy for your situation knowing full well your DH is facing a life threatening illness Is beyond belief. If it's any consolation, 20+ years ago I was diagnosed with a form of cancer, obviously still here!

Did you NOT READ The op she couldn't have explained it any clearer

I have a feeling the group won't survive this unpleasant episode and birthday girl will find herself with a depleted friendship group.

I wish you and your husband well and that at the good friends will stick by you.

People can be so short sighted. None of us know what life may throw at us.

I remember a similar thread where a woman was brutally dropped and treated so badly by a particular friend when she faced breast cancer. Fortunately she got through it, only for this awful woman to pop back up looking for support and advice upon being diagnosed herself some years later.
The OP was rightly advised to wish her the best and block her.

OP, whilst it is unfortunate, it really was only a matter of time with her and her ilk. Better to know and move on.
Wishing you well.

They sound horrible. You got there for dinner. Why were they so bothered you didn't get there for drinks? Were you paying?? Pathetic behaviour. Ditch them

Find new friends, if all they can do is emphasise how organised they are then they weren't really friends in the first place-just all having kids is not enough.
Unfortunately you have taken the brunt of finding out by being bullied by them as a group. Ditch them, all of them and don't give them a backward glance.

Your 'friends' should be ashamed of themselves, it's a disgusting way to behave. It's definitely for the best to separate yourself from them now.

There is nothing to understand. They are fair weather froends and do not want any complications that could disrupt thier ability to just have fun without doing the work. let them go.

I am thinking of starting a degree level apprenticeship and attended a session whereby we could ask questions about the course. One question I asked was whether we would be allowed to complete assignments for the apprenticeship during working hours. The response I had was "No, we are giving you one day per week in uni so assignments must be completed outside working hours. Use flexi time or annual leave to complete them". This one day a week in uni is to attend classes, not to write assignments. I already work full time hours and I don't have extra time outside of this because I'm also a mum. Would it be unreasonable to challenge this before I've even applied for the apprenticeship? If I need to work outside of my usual working hours, I would not be able to apply.

I’ve only just seen your post. I’m so sorry you went through this and just want to give you a hug. You sound like a very decent person and lovely friend to me. You informed her you couldn’t make the drinks part due to train but still turned up for the dinner. Many people would have just cancelled the whole evening due to travel problems and personal problems that you said you are going through. I had a similar set up years ago, albeit subtle to start with but I did see the signs that these friends were not my tribe at all. They would also have a gang up mentality, them against me. They would cancel on my birthday drinks out at the last minute, the Queen bee of the means girls would do the cancelling for all of them, using ridiculous reasons why they couldn’t come, one year was they’d been to one of their kids birthday parties about 6 hours earlier! In the end I saw the friendship for what it was: fair weather friends. I thought they were cool but they were and are just plain old fashioned mean girls. I would often hear them slag the other off when one got up to go to the toilet. That’s just not what friendship is to me. I reverted back to seeing my lifelong friends more often (my lifelong true friends were not keen on this group who were nicknamed the WAGS cos none of them worked and just lived off their wealthy husbands) it was a truly awful time. I’m glad that some of your group did fight your corner, please just see these friends, they sound kind but the others, just let them go. Life is too short. Focus on the ones who truly love you xxx

Please ignore my message. I've obviously done it wrong and wanted to start a new post!

Grown women can be nasty. Hope u ok op. My circle is small a few friends. Less drama too.

@Summerdays24 you sound lovely. When I started reading your post and everything that was happening to you I assumed you would pull out of the dinner and drinks. But you went despite it all and got hell for it. Of course you had to wait for your DH to come home. I do wonder whether the friends who were mean just have no life experience of bad shit happening which is the only charitable explanation I can come up with. I hope they are feeling truly bad about themselves now. I reckon someone as nice as you seem will have no trouble finding new friends worthy of the name. Best wishes to you and your husband at an incredibly difficult time.

Don’t they have anything more interesting to discuss than your lateness? What a boring toxic crowd.

Go silent on all of them. The ones who seek you out to see how you are, are your friends. Forget the rest.

I’m sorry they were so nasty. I would want an explanation from the birthday woman.

I’m guessing the others would just leave their children on their own. Don’t sound like great people to be honest.

Of course you can’t just walk out and leave your children alone before Dad gets home.

Your “friends” behaviour is totally out of order.

I don't mind anyone being late for a party, I'm just glad if they've turned up at all, even if it's fashionably late. I'm disappointed if hardly anyone shows up, but I don't get angry about it and don't complain about it.
Hoping that she apologises to you for taking out her frustration with her hubby on you.

Not quite the same, but...
My best friend was visiting me abroad and I sent another friend go on ahead to meet her and then finished work early to rush off to meet them both. My best friend didn't show up, my other friend and I waited about 3 hours, and trying to phone the B&B that she was supposed to be staying at that night, they had no-one with her name staying there. We were really worried about her.
She contacted the next day, turns out that she was travelling with 3 of her other friends (1 from school & 2 from work) and instead of meeting me when they got off the train, they'd decided to go straight to their B&B, but they'd booked under the name of one of the women from work, so I didn't know her name at that time. She said that she only realised after arriving that her phone didnt work there.
I was annoyed that she hadn't kept to our plan and left me waiting there for 3 hours. She used a payphone to contact me, but only the following day. I was apologetic to the friend who waited with me. But I've never complained to her about that. I was miffed, but got over it.

So I'm shocked and disappointed on your behalf that your friends made a fuss about you being late. You kept them informed and you showed up AND sounds like you were the only one to bring a present. I'm glad that there were others who tried to stand up for you though. The birthday girl was having a bad day before you got there but hoping she apologises for taking it out on you, and you can get back to how it was before that.
But otherwise, I agree, to keep in touch with the ones who were on your side.
xx

This is horrible behaviour on their part. When you’re feeling strong enough, you could call your friend, or meet face to face on neutral territory (like a quiet coffee shop), and ask her why she was so upset. Check she got your text. Let her have her say. Then tell her how it made you feel. Depending on the outcome, either accept her explanation (and hopefully apology) or walk away.

Tbh, your account of her attitude to you, and then her complaints about no birthday gifts make her sound like a pretty horrible person. You may never know what’s going on for her, or the others, and it’s even harder if the kids are friends, but are you sure you want an energy like that in your life?

Yea I wouldn’t want to write off a 13 year friendship after one row either. Did your friends behave poorly = yes. But I’d be willing to hear them out once everyone has cooled off and drinks are no longer flowing. You never know, birthday girl may have had her own big announcement of something she was hoping to share so had been taken off guard and was more vulnerable than usual too.I think it’s ridiculous to be so quick to drop a 13 year friendship after one bad night.

MN has opened me up to seeing just how high maintenance, petty and childish some people are about birthdays and feeling special. Your dh's train was late, you can't control that. I'm sorry they behaved so appallingly self centered.

Keep in touch with the nice ones. Walk away from the others.

At face value yanbu, but situations like you describe rarely happen in a vacuum…