Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

I'm sorry to hear about your surgery and your DH's diagnosis.

Their reaction is ridiculous. Stuff happens - kids get ill, DH's get delayed (as in this case) or let us down, babysitters cancel, childcare falls through. If anyone cannot comprehend that then they are the selfish ones.

In your situation I would also have been late (I don't have childcare on tap, live abroad away from family). If I have evening plans and DH is late I cannot just leave my primary aged children - I will be late. And that's without any health issues added to the mix.

You do not owe them an apology. I would also be bewildered at this reaction and wonder if something else has been said before I arrived.

@DancingNotDrowning why are you assuming the DC is at least 13?

Flaking on birthday drinks? Her DH was stuck on a late running train and she couldn't leave her kids alone. What's flaky about that?

not leaving your 13+ child because your DH is running an hour late sounds flakey to me and likely sounded flakey to the birthday girl.

Crock of shit.

I hate it when people are late but they were really out of order. It's not like the person whose birthday it was ended up sitting there on her own waiting, there were other people there for drinks. And you were there in time for dinner so it's not as if the reservation was at risk or they were all sitting around getting hungry waiting for you so they could order. They were really unkind.

I certainly wouldn’t apologise either! Adults should be old enough to understand that the rest of the world doesn’t stop for your birthday - the idea of being ‘the birthday girl’ as an adult is ridiculous to me.

Second sentence of OPs first post

“i have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born*

I get why everyone is saying that the OP should dump these women but sometimes it's not as easy as that. It sounds like they generally do things as a group and to suddenly cut them off might be worse for the OP than trying to manage the situation.

OP, have you got a couple of close friends in the group? Can you talk to them about it.

And did she say she got secondary infertility after that?

You don't think she might also have younger DC?

Similar happened to me and what I thought was a completely solid group of friends. A series of devastating blows occurred to my lovely little family and our lives were literally turned upside down. Some people were kind and supportive but others, unbelievably, turned out to be jealous of the attention (support!) I got because of this and blew up my friendship group. I cannot fathom how adults can behave like toddlers in situations like this but they did and 10 years on I now have a couple of fantastic close friends and no contact at all with the other, larger, part of the gang.

Some people have not matured much past the toddler stage it would appear.

It sounds like the 13 year old is the oldest. I have a 13 year old. I also have an 8 year old. I wouldn't leave for drinks either until DH got home.

OP - as you say you're not normally late or flakey, I am wondering if there's some resentment around your illness. A lot of people seem to find this difficult to cope with - they resent having to help out or they think the illness doesn't justifify shifts in behaviour. Often it's because they don't know how to act but I have never had any sympathy with that behaviour.

I would do what a PP has suggested - privately contact a couple of the ones who were supportive and ask them if they have any idea what is really going on. And then, either address that, apologise (if there is any valid reason) or end those friendships.

Birthday friend was out of order and just plain odd tbh.

Out of interest though, how old is your youngest? If they are 13, maybe they thought your husband running late was just an excuse to get out of the drinks so it was dishonesty that upset them more than lateness (as a 13 year old could be left for a while in these circumstances)?

However, no way would I go off at a friend over this, never mind one who was having a tough time. At most, I’d probably have a whinge to DH in private later.

Assuming ophas one child who is 13, perhaps she's a better judge as to whether they can be left alone or not? Child might have complex needs. Child might have siblings and OP didn't feel it appropriate to leave 13 to on charge of them all. As a friend, I'd trust her judgement with her kids

@DancingNotDrowning the OP also goes on to say "Yes explained I can’t leave the kids until he is back, but I would def be there in time for dinner."

Christ OP I am so, so sorry, that is truly awful behaviour and I'm not surprised you are feeling beside yourself about it.

I'm sorry to say that my first reaction was that this is nothing to do with you being late, and everything to do with your DH's diagnosis. It sounds like some of these women (possibly subconsciously) don't want the downer of supporting a friend on what sounds like it may be a long and difficult journey, and have fabricated a reason to distance themselves from you. It's shocking behaviour but sadly it happens.

Do NOT apologise. Their behaviour was and is completely unjustified and I think that sadly dignified withdrawal from the group is the best option.

I'm so sorry about your DH's diagnosis.

I think you should step back, it just seems a very bitchy friend group the fact she was also moaning that some people- who presumably came and spent money at her celebration - didn’t buy her presents is a red flag too. Seems like her and the friends closest to her slag the wider friend group of all the time. This is maybe just the first time they’ve done it so openly.

I agree with pp you should send a text to a group chat describing your disappointment at their behaviour, I hade a feeling they had a pop at you partly because they see you as a soft touch. Stand up to them and prove them wrong.

Or if that’s not your thing, at the very least yeah take a step back.

God don't be so ridiculous!! OP said she's never late except once during covid! How do you know child is 13+?? You def sound like one of the mean gang at the birthday

Are you assuming also that there aren't younger kids too?

Are you assuming that all kids are old enough to not need supervision?

Are you assuming it's safe for OP to leave her kids for an unspecified period of time till DH manages to get home?

Hard as nails, aren't you?

Kids safety v a booze up with yer mates. Sounds like your priorities are screwed up.

There's only one person on here defending the awful birthday girl, think that says everything..

er perhaps she does but it’s hardly unreasonable to leave a 13 year old with a younger sibling for a short period of time

this is a cross roads situation. Either OP decides her friends are bitches and she cuts them out or she can consider that if this is unusual behaviour in the past 13 years of friendship maybe there’s a sensitivity that is worth exploring.

I’d do the latter, people and situations are complex and I’d want to understand why the friends were so upset. But as I said May e they’re just arseholes but asking the exploratory questions is the best way to find out.

When you step back from people like this new friends emerge
Doesn’t sound like many of them have any emotional intelligence

Something like this is perfect.
Your friends are horrible, OP. I can't imagine getting angry at someone for missing drinks but then being there for dinner. I might feel inwardly a little irritated but that would be it and tbh I don't even think I'd feel that.
You deserve an apology and I really hope you get one.
Message your closer friends directly too to find out what's going on.

Ugh this sounds like a horrible situation and I wouldn't want to be in a friendship group like that to be honest...sounds like hard work.

At the end of the day we all have lives and families, and problems. Friend groups are important but family always comes first with me....Of course there will be times we can't be on time for drinks... It's not like a set thing like a cinema, show, or meal booking when people are just meeting for drinks so I don't see the massive deal!

I'm saying this probably as the "annoying" friend in the group who is quite often the last to arrive...but nobody has ever pulled me up on it. I'm just extremely disorganised to be honest and I have a job that is quite unpredictable so often impacts what time I can be somewhere....but when I've been late we usually just laugh it off. It's not because I don't care or don't want to be there and they know that! You need more chilled out friends I think!! Very poor form to attack you in front of everyone too. They sound awful.

Sorry that happened to you OP, and for what you are going through generally. Sometimes life throws these curve balls and you really find out who your friends are, or we re-evaluate who is part of our life because of it. You'd think they could have given you some grace considering all you are going through.

Is it possible that this is the tip of the iceberg? Are you often late/flakey/unreliable?

This doesn't sound reasonable on their behalves, and I'm wondering if they're responding to a bigger issue without letting you know.

If not, then this is awful and I would 100% be withdrawing from all those who attacked you. Even if they did want to address something with you, doing it in front of others and in the way they did isn't acceptable.

The only thing I can think otherwise is that they're not happy that your husband was late, I guess his illness has nothing to do with whether he left late at work etc. or maybe they didn't believe your reason?

This is one reason why I actively avoid groups. I'm my experience, they often turn out like this and I don't have the nerves for this kind of behaviour.