Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

[Summerdays24]

I have name changed for this, for obvious reasons.

I have a group of 8 friends, we have been good friends for 13 years or so since the kids were born.

Last week it was friend A birthday dinner. I have had surgery in the last few weeks and I am still feeling fragile, we have also just had news my husband has a rare but serious, life limiting disease I am not feeling my best. My friends know this.

On the evening of the birthday, drinks are planned, dinner to follow. I text to say I can’t make the drinks as dh is running late back from the office ( train cancelled) but I will be in time for dinner.

I arrive for dinner. The atmosphere is terrible, I give friend A my birthday gift. She then says how disappointed and angry she is that I let her down for the drinks. I am blindsided by this, she looks angry. Second friend chips in that she managed to make it on time and she has 4 kids. Another friend agreed with them and said it was poor form on birthday events. I apologised and said it couldn’t be helped. I started to cry I am embarrassed to say. Another friend tells the others to back off a bit, that it’s fair enough summer days is going through a difficult time, to that another friend then says words to the effect that I should be more organised. The group then seemed to split in two. One half were having a go at me, the other standing up for me.

I felt sick to my stomach and somehow for through the dinner and cried all of the way home.

wwyd in this situation?

It felt like I was being ganged up on at the time, it was genuinely horrible. I felt they had discussed it before I got there, like it was pre planned or something.

Do you think it’s ever okay to take it in turns as part of a group having a go at one person? I am just so upset still. Just for the record I am very reliable and not a flake at all. I don’t know if I ever want to see them again.

I like that very much.

Some of them did understand, it was birthday friend and the ones in the group closest to her that were annoyed.

I am supposed to be going to a bbq next weekend with them, and kids and I really don’t want to go now.

I'd have zero time for anyone who decided to get angry at me for something totally out of my control like a cancelled train. That would be enough to seriously damage a friendship. The fact that you are going through a tough time in your life shouldn't even matter here, but clearly just makes their behaviour worse.

Well yes it could do.

If for example the OP 'needed' to cook dinner for her husband before she left the house, that would probably piss them off (although it would NOT give them the right to be nasty).

I have a colleague like this who treats her husband like a child, and would rather be late than have him dish up his own dinner.

But the OP explained it was the DC anyway.

Maybe stepping back is best now. I have no idea how this might be resolved.

I would contact one of the ones who defended you to found out a bit more information.
If it is as seems I would be leaving the WhatsApp group . But before going I would message the birthday girl to say how upset you are. Give her the chance to apologise. If she doesn’t in the light of day then I would leave and put a comment to say how upset you were that some of them had a go at you.

message the nice ones individually and ask to stay in touch. The others are not worth it.

Just don't go.

If anyone asks say that you found the reaction to you being late because your husband's train was cancelled was totally unacceptable, especially at the moment with what you are dealing with. You don't want to spend time with people who make your life more difficult at this time.

I am seriously thinking of doing this, as I can’t face them now. Birthday friend is unlikely to apologise, she will feel justified in being honest about her feelings.

I will keep in touch with the nicer ones and step back. It’s honestly the last thing I need right now.

I get where you're coming from but on this occasion the reason she was late was out of her hands.
Train cancelled meant husband late so leaving kids alone so she could get there in time for drinks.
And even if there is a backstory, surely due to her husband's diagnosis plus having surgery herself recently pretty much trumps all of that?
The people who decided to rant at her are absolutely awful. If not one of them had spoken to her previously on a one to one about her timekeeping etc then this is surely just bullying.

Chances are they were also trying to all deflect that the birthday girl was fuming none of them had bought her a gift.

Birthday girl needs to grow up. What a silly, spoiled, self centred bitch she is. No real friend would treat you like this OP. I would have been upset too. 💐

Birthday girl sounds like an entitled brat. I would seriously be rethinking my friendship with some of these women.

Absolutely agree.

None of this makes ANY sense

However it does show you who these people are, deep down

I also really like this.

Also agree. Nothing worse than grown-up adults making a massive fuss about their own birthdays and demanding everyone else does the same.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, OP. I’d not see them any more either.

What awful behaviour from grown adults. I suspect this is about something else entirely. I'm going to suggest that you stay in the group long enough to work out what's going on. It sounds like some people are pissed off with other people and you were a convenient target for free floating aggression.

I'm so sorry, how awful for you 😔 xx

Are they feeling alright seriously? You missed drinks, it's not like you killed someone. Talk about an over reaction but in your shoes I'd be thinking there is something else behind their reaction because there is no way people would get that angry about someone not being there for a few drinks . In my group its common for people to join at various stages through out the evening. Nobody bats an eyelid.

OP, how weird and immature. You made the effort and they were completely weird. As for not thanking you for the gift and complaining others had not brought gifts... sounds like primary school playground drama. You are better off without them.

flaking on someone’s birthday drinks isn’t great and assuming your child is at least 13, perhaps there was a certain frustration at why you couldn’t leave them alone for a relatively short period.

Leave it a day or two and apologise again (you owe one regardless of how reasonable your explanation for not attending was) then ask the birthday girl what prompted such a negative reaction.

I try to see the good in people so instead of focusing on all the reasons why your life is difficult at the moment (that didn’t impact your ability to attend) I’d ask myself is there anything going on in the birthday girls life that made her sensitive to being cancelled last minute?

Alternatively they might just be arseholes in which case walk away.

Apologise again? Are you mad??
why are you assuming the ops kid is 13? Gobsmacked you’re defending this shitty teenage brat behaviour to be honest.
Op I think your friend found this thread!!

Birthday girl sounds spoilt and entitled as PP have said - it could be a pattern of narcissism emerging in her

Stay in touch with the one who stuck up for you, distance yourself from the rest

OP has already apologised, she doesn't need to apologise again and 'birthday girl' wasn't cancelled, OP missed drinks but had dinner.

Flaking on birthday drinks? Her DH was stuck on a late running train and she couldn't leave her kids alone. What's flaky about that?

Who needs enemies when you have friends like this? If you were my friend I’d have just been happy that you still came given the hard time you are having at the moment.

I would step back but I wouldn’t be able to stop myself having my say, I’d definitely send something like ‘I need to say, I’m not sure what happened the other evening for me to offend you all so much? You know I have been unwell and that we’ve had bad news regarding DH’s health, given the circumstances (and not to mention that a cancelled train is beyond our control), I was really suprised and upset at your reaction to me missing pre-dinner drinks. As it stands I’ll be talking a step back from the group as your reaction was really upsetting and hurtful at a time when I need my friends support the most’