To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I've had a physically violent ex in the past. I've blanked out a lot of the things he did to me. I vaguely remember the police having to help me escape. It was a horrible time. I was very open about this past relationship with my current partner. It was 5 years ago. I still have some PTSD. I'm working on it. However my current partner decided to make a joke about hitting me. Well about 'punching me'. I didn't find it funny at all but I felt in the moment I have the right to just clarify whether he felt it was okay to hit a woman. Then he got incredibly angry with me. Starting shouting and swearing saying I was insinuating he would beat me?!? From
Me simply asking him to clarify his comment wasn't real? Context below;

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work) he said 'I'm surprised you haven't slapped me'. I then said 'it's never even crossed my mind, I've never slapped anyone' he then responded with 'well if you decided to then I'd probably have a reflex response and punch you back'..........
I then said, 'you wouldn't actually punch a woman would you?' (He's been in the army, he knows his strength) he then says 'well it depends, if you slap me, I'll punch you back, or like if we are playing slaps and you slap my face I'll slap you harder'. (During this entire interaction he's not smiling or laughing, dead pan face).
I feel disgusted. AIBU to want to walk away considering he's now had a go at me for questioning him about his comments

You need to walk away. His reaction says everything. Actually I'd run not walk.

A big red flag for me is him introducing the idea of a hypothetical game 'playing slaps' and telling you he would win with the harder slap. So-called 'play fighting' is often a way abusive men introduce violence, as a way of softening up their partner for physical abuse, seeing how far they can push things before the woman protests, then she's told she can't take a joke, she's spoiling the fun, etc.

All of this.
Why on earth would you allow this horrible person in your life?

You don't need to be in a relationship, you know. Can't you just focus on your children?

She already said she would never hit him so not a normal flow of conversation-it wasn't at all necessary to say it
She has PTSD from a past violent relationship
He has been horrible to her in the lead up to this
He wouldn't confirm that he wouldn't hit her or acknowledge how uncomfortable the conversation would make her, he is instead gasslighting her

In what world is that behaviour okay???

Run don’t walk. You don’t need this in your life

WTF is going to happen when he finds out you have had a tete a tete with the ex OP?

If you are having to ask these questions, you need to leave. He is softening you up for a clattering.

I'm gonna get flamed here but I don't see anything wrong in how the conversation flowed. All I can see is him saying if he got slapped he would slap you back??

Well you either weren't reading closely or you are very naïve then. This man deliberately engineered a completely unnecessary and goady conversation about domestic violence with a female partner who he knows has PTSD from a violent relationship. He set up an imaginary scenario where he would be justified in hitting her because she'd hit him (which she would never do). Then he ranted and raved at her when she dared question him about it.

This man is a wrong 'un, OP. It is very common for survivors of abuse to walk straight into another abusive relationship. It sounds to me as though he's testing the ground to see what you'll tolerate.

This behaviour escalates.

You have children.

You know what you need to do. Let us help you do it.

His reaction was odd, I’d expect a reasonable person to answer ‘of course I’d never hit you!’ and leave it at that. Although to be fair I wouldn’t expect the subject to come up in the first place.

His reaction is telling you everything you need to know, I’d move on or it will always be in the back of your mind even if he is just in a bad mood.

End the relationship immediately. It isnt true that if he was going to hit you he would have done it by now. This is how he is starting his abuse of you.

OP this man is attracted to you because he senses that you (due to your previous relationship) will be easy for him to dominate. He is a clear threat and you should get away from him.

A year or so in me and then dp had a row. Probably the first and only real one.. I was upset and he stepped towards me. I flinched. He started crying absolutely gutted I thought he could ever lay hands on me. He was stepping in to hug me. Bad memories can affect us long term op. But your bf seems to be enjoying using it against you. Hopefully he is an ex before tomorrow..

I have to say, although he sounds like a right arse and you should leave him, it's not a terribly awful thing to say that if you were slapped you'd have a reflex reaction to retaliate. If a woman said this to a man it would not be thought badly of. The alternative is expecting a man to just let himself be physically abused. I think it was a silly conversation.

OP, he is savouring your fear, enjoying the feeling of power that he has.

I wouldn't be with someone who is army, gets angry easily, and talks about hitting me. Your choice obviously.

You have daughters. Why is your judgement so poor? I'm asking that with kindness. Why are you even hesitating to end this relationship? Stop trying to analyse him. Just protect yourself and your children and end it.

No amount of work or any kind of tiredness justifies him being angry and nasty with you and that’s before we even get to the punching talk. Why are you with him. He’s a bully who clearly enjoys intimidating you. Walk away before he either punches you or continues to treat you as his emotional punchbag. You deserve better.

This. YANBU. He is dangerous.

Leave. Now. This is how it starts. One day he'll hit you and say it's your fault, and that he did warn you etc. You're already afraid of him, don't wait.

I know that this term is overused on here: but he Is definitely trying to gaslight you OP. Get out asap x

Omg leave.

I don't think this kind of shaming is helpful to someone who is probably very scared. It's bc abusers don't always start our like this, they start out nice.

I don't mean it in a shaming way but I really don't understand why so many women are so desperate to be in a relationship that they are willing to put themselves and their children at risk in case he's actually a nice guy. What's wrong with being single?

If you're not trolling, then I suggest you work on your reading comprehension and ability to consider things in context.

I wonder what it is the ex had to say about him, he sounds angry for no reason