To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I've had a physically violent ex in the past. I've blanked out a lot of the things he did to me. I vaguely remember the police having to help me escape. It was a horrible time. I was very open about this past relationship with my current partner. It was 5 years ago. I still have some PTSD. I'm working on it. However my current partner decided to make a joke about hitting me. Well about 'punching me'. I didn't find it funny at all but I felt in the moment I have the right to just clarify whether he felt it was okay to hit a woman. Then he got incredibly angry with me. Starting shouting and swearing saying I was insinuating he would beat me?!? From
Me simply asking him to clarify his comment wasn't real? Context below;

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work) he said 'I'm surprised you haven't slapped me'. I then said 'it's never even crossed my mind, I've never slapped anyone' he then responded with 'well if you decided to then I'd probably have a reflex response and punch you back'..........
I then said, 'you wouldn't actually punch a woman would you?' (He's been in the army, he knows his strength) he then says 'well it depends, if you slap me, I'll punch you back, or like if we are playing slaps and you slap my face I'll slap you harder'. (During this entire interaction he's not smiling or laughing, dead pan face).
I feel disgusted. AIBU to want to walk away considering he's now had a go at me for questioning him about his comments

I think it’s fine to meet up with his ex. Just make sure that he NEVER finds out. Not now and not ever. That’s very important for her safety as well as yours.

Do NOT even think about using anything she says to justify to him why you are leaving him . So many women in your position think they have to persuade their partner that he is an abuser and get him to admit it before they can leave him.

So they collect “ evidence “

My counsellor says you are abusive.
I posted on Mn and everyone agreed with me.
I read this book and you are just like the lesson in chapter x , here read it and see that I’m right.
I met up with your ex and she says you abused her.

Collecting evidence is good, if the purpose is to convince YOURSELF a that you need to leave. Using it to persuade him that he’s wrong his pointless and dangerous.

You need to leave an abusive man in as low key and low drama way as possible . Eg

getting a job elsewhere so you have to move away
saying you think you are depressed and need time to work on yourself
going grey rock and fading him out ( easier if you are not living together )
saying vague things like “ it’s not working for me anymore” or “ I realise I’m not ready for a relationship “

It’s a really bad idea to tell him the truth. That will just trigger his need to retaliate and punish you for leaving him.

Remember that “ wife beaters “ don’t think that are wife beaters, they think they are retaliating because she did bad stuff first. Like disrespecting him, leaving the house messy, looking at another man the wrong way, undermining him with the kids, wearing the wrong kind of clothes etc, winding him up.

Thats why they justify hitting her, because she asked for it. That’s what he meant when he said he would hit back. So she says something he doesn’t like, and he hits her ,so it’s her fault . She started it .

That’s what these men tell themselves, they are not wife beaters they are good guys who had a moment where they were pushed over the edge by her totally unreasonable behaviour . Any man would have done the same. And besides they were tired after work / had a few drinks / their team lost the match so they were stressed, so it’s not their fault.

Regardless of living in fear he will hit you, this doesn’t sound like a very pleasant relationship. Do you love spending time with him? What does he bring to the relationship?

You obviously have doubts, you seem to be walking on egg shells, arguing, asking if he will hit you?! I don’t think any of that is normal.

If you meet his ex and she says he was abusive, what do you plan to do with that information? I wouldn’t tell him what you’ve done, I would end the relationship - if nothing else it sounds like hard work.

Well done. This is sensible. See what she says - I bet she was reaching out to warn you.

It's a veiled threat. Your gut is trying to warn you. Time to leave, OP.

I know it's hard, but please don't put yourself back in the position of being in another abusive relationship.

Definitely stay single until you've finished your counselling.

Wishing you all the best for your future.

Great post 👏

Leave.

I interpret this as him telling you he wants to hit you. And he means it.

I agree. @J0S has really hit the nail on the head.

Something doesn't feel good at all about this.

Leave. You’ve escaped a worse situation. Get out of this one before it gets worse.

its a red flag to me when a partner makes threats/warnings apropos of nothing, like warning you what they’d do if you did something. Like “well if you did ever hit me I’d hit you back”. Like, ok? Thanks? I’ve not even done anything remotely wrong and you’re spelling out what you’d do to me if I ever did? Disgusting behaviour, especially from someone who knows your past.

SERIOUSLY get out.

Just in this point. It is impossible for 1 person to be the issue in arguments "all the time".

Unless in the case of violence. Then 1 person is absolutely the issue.

Leave. Now. You are not the issue in this particular case. Leave.

Apply for a Claire's Law check on him. He seems to enjoy making you worried imo. Ltb and don't look back. After an abusive relationship it is easy to slip into another one. You deserve better. And he needs never to be around your dd until you dump him.

He absolutely engineered this so that he could blow up and ascertain how far he could push her.

He’s an abuser. The OP needs to leave.

This is a really sensible thing to do. Also, you don’t need to gently see if his behaviour comes up. When you have become comfortable with each other and if she seems alright, you can just ask directly. Women supporting women is a good thing. Take care of yourself 💐

I would meet up with her. Enough time has passed for her to calm down over the relationship breakdown - but I think she may have reached out to you to warn you.

You know your partner is abusive because the behaviour you described is classed as abusive behaviour.

He orchestrated a set of hypothetical events so that he could tell you he would punch you - only to go off ranting and raving and saying he was joking.

How is any of that a joke?

Why is he angry at you when you calmly asked for clarification?

The answer is because he’s an abuser. He orchestrated this entire scenario to make you feel bad.

Meet up with his ex. Then make your escape plan. You will need to make sure you don’t give him any notice you’re leaving because it won’t be safe for you to leave.

Regardless of whether he says he won't hit you, this sounds like a deeply unhealthy relationship (him being angry and bitchy and you seemingly placating him and walking on egg shells)

It doesn't seem like you know what a normal, healthy adult relationship looks like.

For your benefit but even more so for your children, you need to leave this relationship and you need to not get into any other relationship with a man until you have had a lot of therapy.

And I wouldn't meet his ex because:

A) I think you are putting yourself and your family at risk of harm should be find out

B) it's basically irrelevant. Regardless of what she says, this is a bad man and a bad relationship and you need to leave. Her evidence either way doesn't change that.

I was going to say YABU until I read the context. And what’s being together for 2 years got to do with anything? Usually we don’t meet people punching our lights out and then decide to embark on a relationship with them takes time

Yes meet with her. I bet she will tell you some home truths about him. What sort of person jokes about punching their partner, especially when she has PTSD from spousal violence? Disgusting and you deserve better.

in the end you won't even need to slap him first. You'll touch him in an argument and his mind will make the connection to this visualisation and that will be all it takes I imagine

exactly right.

Meet his ex and put in an application using Clare's Law.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet

Leave. Right now. He knows you experienced violence before. He thinks you're primed for more. He's chatting about it to you. Casually. Run far away.

So many red flags, calling his ex a "pscho" is another one!

I would ask him to leave. On your terms and for your own reasons. Nothing to do with his ex and as she is someone you do not know I think it is risky to meet her as she may well tell him about it, and then what?

It would take a very fragile ego to jump to 'wifebeater' accusations in this scenario. But then we know there is strong correlation between fragile male egos and domestic abuse.
A well adjusted and secure man would have recognised that his partner has PTSD and needed reassurance that he would never ever hurt her. Instead he provided examples of when he would hurt her.
So sorry OP, I hope you have support to get out.

leave