To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I've had a physically violent ex in the past. I've blanked out a lot of the things he did to me. I vaguely remember the police having to help me escape. It was a horrible time. I was very open about this past relationship with my current partner. It was 5 years ago. I still have some PTSD. I'm working on it. However my current partner decided to make a joke about hitting me. Well about 'punching me'. I didn't find it funny at all but I felt in the moment I have the right to just clarify whether he felt it was okay to hit a woman. Then he got incredibly angry with me. Starting shouting and swearing saying I was insinuating he would beat me?!? From
Me simply asking him to clarify his comment wasn't real? Context below;

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work) he said 'I'm surprised you haven't slapped me'. I then said 'it's never even crossed my mind, I've never slapped anyone' he then responded with 'well if you decided to then I'd probably have a reflex response and punch you back'..........
I then said, 'you wouldn't actually punch a woman would you?' (He's been in the army, he knows his strength) he then says 'well it depends, if you slap me, I'll punch you back, or like if we are playing slaps and you slap my face I'll slap you harder'. (During this entire interaction he's not smiling or laughing, dead pan face).
I feel disgusted. AIBU to want to walk away considering he's now had a go at me for questioning him about his comments

What are you circumstances? Can you leave him easily? If you can I'd say go and block. Don't bother with questions and explanations. Just go.

You are not being dramatic at all.

DH has never suggesting that he would hit, slap or punch me. Ever.

The way he’s spoken to you and behaved once you called him out on it is so completely wrong. But he’s got you second guessing yourself. He may or may not get physically violent but not all abuse is.

can you get all your stuff and go somewhat today?

It's only been 2 years, hopefully you don't live together, you need to be wary of moving partners in quickly after you've been a victim of DV, you need your space. If it's your house tell him to leave.

There's no point is discussing this with him. He'll twist your words into pretzels.

Just show him the door and say it's over.

If he doesn't leave call the police and get a non molestation order.

Whether he would physically hurt you or not is somewhat irrelevant at the moment - you should get out either way - he’s mentally hurting you and already, quite intentionally, causing you unnecessary anxiety. It seems like a way to control you. For context, I’ve never had a BF insinuate that they may hit/punch me - it isn’t a normal conversation to have with your partner (because it should be a given that won’t ever happen), and the fact that he knows your background and how triggering it would be makes this far more concerning - he was trying to get a reaction.
He just sounds like a bully - whether physically or emotionally, or both. Please get out of this relationship and don’t listen to his excuses and pleads that he was only joking, because it really isn’t remotely funny or okay.

This would make me feel unsure of him and question how safe I’d be with him. You’ve been together a short time and already he’s showing his true colours, bitching post work and weirdly talking about punching you, which is particularly manipulative what with your history of trauma.

This isn’t how a loving supportive partner behaves. Work stress is no excuse.

You have replaced one abuser with another.

You need to get away from him as as soon as you can and I wouldn't tell him I was going until I had gone. I would speak to women's aid about this.

The way he is talking would absolutely terrify me.

Reading this made my blood run cold. He’s goading uou so you slap him so it’s your fault when he punches you?
he is telling you who he is.

please I hope you are ok today and can get some support.
please leave him.

He will never try to see anything from your side. He will always blame you for his behaviour.

so sorry you are going through this.

Yep he’s abusive too.

Just leave him.

I think he is telling you something!

He has admitted that under certain circumstances he WILL hit you

He WILL HIT YOU

Then he has gas lit you about what was said

In addition he has used anger, physical distance and verbal aggression to frighten you into seeing it his way

Leave

You're never going to get him to admit that his response was inappropriate. I'm just saying this as I've read many similar posts and it seems like the woman is hanging on for this admission, as if she doesn't trust herself to make that decision unless he admits it. The good news is that it doesn't matter what he thinks, you can absolutely make your mind up that this is unacceptable. So what if he thinks that you're overreacting? He can think that if he wants, it should be of no consequence to you as you know what you saw and heard.

A decent man would have been horrified, even without knowing your history, and immediately apologised. The fact that this guy doubled down and then did the old DARVO (Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender) tells you what you need to know. Bin him - you don't need his permission.

Every single comment he has made disgusts me OP. I cannot imagine a decent man ever saying this stuff. Please get out if you can.

I have had a violent relationship like you.

My boyfriend reacts with absolute horror at the point of view of any man hitting anyone. On our third date which finished at 11.30 pm in a city centre after a concert and drinks he walked me to my bus stop and waited with me. He was very lovely about it and said - I will walk down with you to your bus stop and wait with you before I go to mine. It was lovely. His viewpoint is - in an ideal world a man and woman should feel totally safe at whatever time walking to a bus stop but it’s not an ideal world and that’s pretty grim but in the meanwhile he will walk anyone to a bus stop.

Oh you’re just being deliberately obtuse.

The whole "I would have done it by now" is delusional too, he obviously knows nothing of abusive relationships because a lot of abuse doesn't start til years down the line when they feel comfortable enough to get away with it.

It's also a pretty sick joke to make to someone who has been abused. I would walk away just for that.

It can be hard to recognise abusive behaviour when you're in the situation . But shouting, threatening, aggressive. You definitely deserve better. Walk away now before it escalates.

OP most therapists won’t do specific trauma work if someone is currently in an abusive situation. So that’s something to think about. If you want the CBT for PTSD to work, you really need to reflect on your current relationship.

@Graciiee also never did he use the word slap for himself, he said he would punch her and also that he would punch her harder.

I know for a fact my man would never even play slapsies with me as he doesn't agree with hitting a woman either. And I know if I slapped him he wouldn't retaliate he would either constrain me or try to walk away unless I threatened his life, of course I would never hurt him but he would never lay a finger on a woman unless protecting his or his families life.

I have read that violent reflex is not uncommon amongst military veterans as a result of PTSD amd living under combat conditions where you need to be hypervigilant at all times.
He knows he has a problem and is warning you

He's gaslightling you, this 'conversation' was all on him. If he'd been in a violent relationship before I'm sure you wouldn't be making him feel unsafe with 'jokes' about DV because that's not how good people behave to any loved one let alone a loved one who's suffered DV. He's not a good person, the fact he hasn't beaten you up doesn't mean he's a good person. Unfortunately you've ended up with an abuser again.

@ThisIsMyNameOkay are you OK? Can you leave when he goes to work? Have you got somewhere to go? You need to go, please go xx

Leave him. Now.

He is setting the background work so that WHEN (and it will be when, not if) he hits you, you will be clear that of course he is only retaliating because you have done X, Y or Z.

When someone shows you who they are, listen. And he’s put it in 10 foot letters.

womensaid.org.uk