To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I've had a physically violent ex in the past. I've blanked out a lot of the things he did to me. I vaguely remember the police having to help me escape. It was a horrible time. I was very open about this past relationship with my current partner. It was 5 years ago. I still have some PTSD. I'm working on it. However my current partner decided to make a joke about hitting me. Well about 'punching me'. I didn't find it funny at all but I felt in the moment I have the right to just clarify whether he felt it was okay to hit a woman. Then he got incredibly angry with me. Starting shouting and swearing saying I was insinuating he would beat me?!? From
Me simply asking him to clarify his comment wasn't real? Context below;

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work) he said 'I'm surprised you haven't slapped me'. I then said 'it's never even crossed my mind, I've never slapped anyone' he then responded with 'well if you decided to then I'd probably have a reflex response and punch you back'..........
I then said, 'you wouldn't actually punch a woman would you?' (He's been in the army, he knows his strength) he then says 'well it depends, if you slap me, I'll punch you back, or like if we are playing slaps and you slap my face I'll slap you harder'. (During this entire interaction he's not smiling or laughing, dead pan face).
I feel disgusted. AIBU to want to walk away considering he's now had a go at me for questioning him about his comments

Leave. He's abusive. And he has told you it will be your fault he hits you. 2 years is nothing. You don't feel safe, that's becuase of his behaviour. Not your past.

My ex was abusive, took much longer than 2 years to even need to threaten me. But I always knew he had that in him, I always knew even if I hit him playfully he would hit me. I have never felt afraid of DP for even a fraction of a second. He would never ever so much asraise his voice to me, never mind his hand. There is nothing I could do to him to make him hit me. I know that for a fact from the depth of my soul. You're entitled to feel that safety.

He sounds like he is verbally abusive or emotionally abusive,whatever you want to call it.

You're not being dramatic or dumb, the way he's behaving is specifically to make you feel that way. He's engineered an argument because he wants you to feel bad and grovel. These are all big glaring red flags that your previous horrific experience has made it hard for you to see.

Please leave him, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I hope you have more luck with CBT, don't be afraid to keep shopping around for the therapy or treatment that works best for you, everyone is different so there's no one size fits all when it comes to mental health. Look after yourself.

It's a deal breaker that he was shouting and swearing at you, surely?

Get rid of the wife beater

I’m with you… he is clearly saying he wouldn’t be the aggressor but he would retaliate in kind.

That being said @ThisIsMyNameOkay you do sound like you have things to work through so maybe file this relationship in the ‘wrong time’ category and move on

He made up the scenario. OP has never threatened to slap him.

You are not being unreasonable. Decent men would never speak to their partners like that. Get out of the relationship fast.

But he’s the one that suggested violence in the first place - “I’m surprised you haven’t slapped me, but I’d punch you back if you did”. This isn’t a normal conversation in my opinion, to me it very much sounds like he’s trying to put OP in her place.

@WirralCyrille I disagree. You telling me why you think I’m wrong isn’t going to change my mind.

But as I said it’s up to the OP to move on if that’s what is best for her. I’m guessing she’s looking for support here (which I unreservedly give her) and not a what should I do in this situation.

So many red flags.

"if we are playing slaps" ?? Is this something people play?

He sounds deranged. I think enough responses here on the same theme of leave him should be the advice you should take. I know it's not always easy or practical to just pack bags and go but staying with him will only ensure a very unhappy future.

Maybe this just all depends on different relationships. If my DH said anything along these lines I'd be like yeah dickhead I'd slap you well harder...all in total jest because we get on great and there is zero abuse or animosity. So each relationship will be different in what is tolerated.

I’m not trying to change your mind, I just disagree with you. You have an opinion, as do I. My opinion is that a partner shouldn’t make those sort of comments, particularly when they know that someone has had a violent partner in the past.

Why would you even have that conversation? I've been with DH over 40 years and the topic of physical abuse has never arisen. Because DH is not a violent, aggressive abuser.

You aren't wrong, you aren't being silly, you aren't misunderstanding, you aren't over-egging, you aren't over-sensitive etc etc etc ETC!

There's just no way to justify what he said in response to a conversation HE started. No man worth his salt would deadpan remind their female partner that they can hit harder nevermind that, should the occasion arise, they definitely will. Women do not need reminding & 100% no survivor of DV does cos you already know & he damn well knows you do.

In your shoes I would take his words as a thinly veiled threat, a way to remind you who has all the control should he choose to take it.

You're safer well out of this & focusing on yourself & your upcoming therapy.

Are you in a position to kick him out or must you leave? If the latter, do you have family/friends who will support you?

Then aim your opinion at the OP and not to me.

Sorry OP, but he isn't joking. He's just trying to wind it all back because it didn't go down the way he wanted it to.

I don't think he is joking. This is a thinly veiled threat and,taken in conjunction with his other behaviour, it is telling you loud and clear who he is.

Get rid.

I never say this because it never ends well but in this case I will make an exception.

Leave. The. Bastard.

These are red flags. Huge red flags. Also recognising he's been awful to you recently is like he is trying to manipulate a situation with you.

Run, don't walk away from this man. Fast. In the opposite direction.

Run.

Agree. And his works escalated what she asked. She asked if he would hit a women, and he's talking about "beating up." With all the arguments and manipulations it's definitely time to leave. Sorry op, it isn't an easy thing to go through and you deserve better.

My ex once made up a scenario where he shot me to death for cheating I've never cheated never want to bit he went into detail about everything he gave it a lot of thought

He wasn't joking

He's normalising violence so when he is violent to you, he can say he said he would be under these circumstances so you knew it was coming

He's abusive and potentially dangerous to you. Leave and do the freedom programme, carry on with your therapy, be single and safe and happy.

He's engineered the whole thing to upset you and put you on the back foot.

He brought up hitting/slapping/punching.

You de-escalated - 'but I'd never slap anyone'...

He escalates again 'but if you DID I'd...' punch back, slap harder etc.

And then when you get upset, job done, goal achieved and he can minimise with 'you can't take a joke' and 'you're too sensitive'..

Get out. He's a prick, he's telling you loud and clear he is a prick and it doesn't matter if he never hits you, he likes making you feel like this. He is getting off on doing this to you and thats bad enough.

Don’t bother getting him to clarify anything. Just chuck him asap. He knows what you’ve been through and he’s messing with your head. Absolute cunt. His behaviour is still bad even without your history but with it, just completely unacceptable.