To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I've had a physically violent ex in the past. I've blanked out a lot of the things he did to me. I vaguely remember the police having to help me escape. It was a horrible time. I was very open about this past relationship with my current partner. It was 5 years ago. I still have some PTSD. I'm working on it. However my current partner decided to make a joke about hitting me. Well about 'punching me'. I didn't find it funny at all but I felt in the moment I have the right to just clarify whether he felt it was okay to hit a woman. Then he got incredibly angry with me. Starting shouting and swearing saying I was insinuating he would beat me?!? From
Me simply asking him to clarify his comment wasn't real? Context below;

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work) he said 'I'm surprised you haven't slapped me'. I then said 'it's never even crossed my mind, I've never slapped anyone' he then responded with 'well if you decided to then I'd probably have a reflex response and punch you back'..........
I then said, 'you wouldn't actually punch a woman would you?' (He's been in the army, he knows his strength) he then says 'well it depends, if you slap me, I'll punch you back, or like if we are playing slaps and you slap my face I'll slap you harder'. (During this entire interaction he's not smiling or laughing, dead pan face).
I feel disgusted. AIBU to want to walk away considering he's now had a go at me for questioning him about his comments

What's your point? If this is PTSD because that doesn't make it ok. This isn't warning a loved one, that would involve a discussion of their fears, maybe asking for support while they seek help, maybe him saying they need to live apart while they deal with it. Nowhere does it involve telling someone who's been through DV and is also traumatised that you might lash out and punch them.

Please please please don’t doubt yourself. You’ve probably been gaslight for so long that you haven’t learned to trust yourself properly. The reaction you’ve had to him tells you all you need to know. I would leave now.

Don't you deserve better than this?

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work)

OP, read this back - you've written this as if you genuinely think it's normal for someone to treat their partner terribly because they are tired or stressed. Is that was you believe? Because it really, really isn't the way things should be.

Have you considered the Freedom Programme?

Slight update:

Firstly thank you so much everyone who's commented. Regardless of whose 'side' you're on. I still appreciate your input so I can see if I am being unreasonable. I haven't spoken to him since last night. Like I said we've been having a lot of little arguments and he always says the most hurtful things then tries to be loving afterwards, then he gets annoyed at me for still being hurt. After this punching me comment I did something a bit reckless. When I first got together with him I had multiple emails and Facebook messages from his ex. He blocked and concealed pretty much all of them saying she's a 'psycho'. I reached out last night, politely, honestly didn't expect her to respond but she's asked to meet for coffee today. I think I'm going to lightly chat about why she messaged so much and see if his behaviour slips into the conversation. Is this stupid? I feel stupid? I'm just worried now about who he is and what he's done because with my ex all of his exs reached out to me and checked I was okay and I was delusional then and ignored it. Oh god is this a stupid idea? Am I fanning flames here or being disrespectful? I have children I don't want to be with someone who could hit us. They are girls. I can't risk it. Urgh heads going a million miles an hour

He's warning you. Honest to God, his subconscious is warning you and himself. He's playing with the idea in his mind, finding the right justification...in the end you won't even need to slap him first. You'll touch him in an argument and his mind will make the connection to this visualisation and that will be all it takes I imagine. And then afterwards, depending on how self aware he is (doesn't sound like he is very..) he'll just lie to himself and you even if he feels bad about it. 'Well she slapped me, well she was going to slap me, so....' And then if it's really bad...he'll just hit you anyway because you're making him feel bad about himself just by existing because he knows deep down it's him...but...ah it's exhausting. Please protect yourself and dump him.

Just read your update. This sounds sensible if you have support in real life. I would put some distance between yourself and him while you talk to his ex. Can you go and stay with someone? If you're worried about him finding out and his reaction that is also a signal from your subconscious mind...stay safe.

OP NEVER bought up the idea of violence, he did and then when she said she wouldn't be violent, he escalated to threating her with violence. Every single suggestion of violence was HIM, so how do you think its ok that he said any of it. The conversation was driven by him. Its his conversation and her contribution was I wont be violent and his was to threaten her. How can you possibly think this is an ok thing to say to someone who has been beaten up by their previous partner. Its a disgusting way to treat a loved one who has PTSD from s violent relationship.

Im going to hide this now because I can't deal with people excusing abusers like this. I hope the trauma therapy helps you OP and that you can get find your way safely away from men like this. I wish you all the best.

if you keep on allowing this to happen surround your daughters you are showing them how they can exoect to be treated themselves, if you don't do it for yourself do it for them, and learn from it so you don't repeat this again and again

This. He is abusive but your perspective is warped and you're not seeing it because he isn't as bad as your ex (yet). That's not your fault but you really need to listen to the advice you are getting here for your sake and for your daughters.

The fact you’re even having to find out verification for his behaviour is a huge red flag. You don’t need to see his ex to have it verified, your instincts already know you need to leave this man for your own safety (mental and physical).

Okay I've just read your latest update that you have children.

Don't meet with the ex. What is the point? Again: you know what you saw and heard. Safeguard your children and bin him!

I actually don’t think this is a bad idea at all OP. Just make sure he can’t find out. And make a promise to yourself that you won’t make excuses for him

That’s not true!
Tbh it sounds like he is leading up to it.

Op you deserve better .
He has deliberately scared you , he is trying to make you know your place .
You should plan to leave .

What if she tells you that he was never violent, was respectful and treated her well? I mean it's highly unlikely but let's just say this meeting with her doesn't give you the answers you need or clarity. What will you do?

Because realistically you can't stay with him without telling him you met her but also he sounds unhinged enough to punish you for meeting her.

I think, ultimately, the relationship needs to end. Still speak with the ex, you've nothing to lose, but make sure you're very, very far away from him when he inevitably finds out about it.

I was assaulted 20 years ago. 10 months later my then boyfriend was showing me a wetsuit balaclava (wearing it himself) and he came to tickle me and I slapped him across the face as hard as I could. It was totally involuntary I just freaked out. (Fight or flight I suppose).

My boyfriend apologised for scaring me, hugged me and would have never considered hitting me back. I married him and there has never been an incident again where I went unto fight or flight with him thankfully.

Your boyfriend is showing you who he is. Believe him.

OP he sounds awful, angry and immature with his outlook. I wouldn’t stay with him after that. Relationships can have their ups and downs but what you have described is someone who likes to cause arguments and make you feel like shit. That’s not acceptable. I don’t necessarily think it is a bad idea to meet with his ex. But based on what you have told us already, I think it is enough reason to end the relationship. Not sure the ex reinforcing that he is an arsehole is going to add much more clarity to the situation, you can see from pp’s that the majority think he’s a terrible partner. Sorry this has happened to you. I hope the CBT is helpful. 💐

Exactly this.

It is not normal or a sign of a healthy relationship to meet up with your partner’s ex to try to find out if he was violent with her. It is not normal or a sign of a healthy relationship that it would even enter into your brain to do this. The fact that it has, and that you’ve entertained the thought, should be a massive flashing sign to you that you’re in a dangerous situation.

I know you probably don’t want to be alone and that you’ll have feelings for him and won’t want to leave him unless you have to, but exactly how far down this road are you going to go before it’s enough? How far are you willing to go before you’ve got enough of a reason to leave him? He’s just described himself as being a bastard to you and has frightened you to the extent that you’ve contacted his ex. Where is your line in the sand?

This is not a good man. He doesn’t become a good man simply because he’s not as bad as your ex. Cast your mind back to the first time your ex frightened you or said something that made you think it wasn’t right. Don’t you wish you’d walked away then?

There are plenty of nice men around who don’t behave like this.

My DH doesn’t shout at me or joke about physical violence.

Leave this man and find a better one.

I know I’m always in the minority but he made a throwaway comment and you reacted (understandably). However if it was me I would feel you had effectively just accused me of being a wifebeater. If you need him to clarify and say the words you obviously don’t trust him. As for he’d slap you back if you slapped him - quite right - someone slapped me - make it female I’d bloody slap them right back. You obviously have trauma but that’s not his fault.

Get out while you can

@Whatevershallidowithmylife I’m so sorry you’ve been raised to believe it’s ever ok for anyone to “joke” about hitting you. It’s not ok, it’s never ok, and I sincerely hope you get some support for whatever awful thing you’ve faced that’s led you to think that a situation like this is the OP’s fault. You must be seriously damaged

Just read your update. You should just split up with him and not bother going to see his ex- the trust is totally gone. You don’t believe him and you’re obviously willing to go take some random persons version of events. It’s ok to walk away if it doesn’t feel right - you don’t need evidence or other people stories.

No, just a strong, practical person who doesn’t take offence or read more into anything than there needs to be. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been in a stable relationship for nearly 30 years knowing we are equals. Never had to post on MM or any other forum for relationship advice etc. Mo need to send me flowers - I can grow my own 😀

You say it was you that got the messages from the ex but him that blocked her? Did he have access to your social media/email?

If you feel it will help to meet her just to clarify why she wanted to speak to you so much then of course, do it. I find it concerning that after two years she's still willing.

Whatever the outcome of that conversation (& he must NOT be made aware!) the best thing for you is to be shot of him for both yourself & your daughters. Everyone deserves to feel safe & after this it will be impossible for you to have that very very very basic right.