To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I've had a physically violent ex in the past. I've blanked out a lot of the things he did to me. I vaguely remember the police having to help me escape. It was a horrible time. I was very open about this past relationship with my current partner. It was 5 years ago. I still have some PTSD. I'm working on it. However my current partner decided to make a joke about hitting me. Well about 'punching me'. I didn't find it funny at all but I felt in the moment I have the right to just clarify whether he felt it was okay to hit a woman. Then he got incredibly angry with me. Starting shouting and swearing saying I was insinuating he would beat me?!? From
Me simply asking him to clarify his comment wasn't real? Context below;

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work) he said 'I'm surprised you haven't slapped me'. I then said 'it's never even crossed my mind, I've never slapped anyone' he then responded with 'well if you decided to then I'd probably have a reflex response and punch you back'..........
I then said, 'you wouldn't actually punch a woman would you?' (He's been in the army, he knows his strength) he then says 'well it depends, if you slap me, I'll punch you back, or like if we are playing slaps and you slap my face I'll slap you harder'. (During this entire interaction he's not smiling or laughing, dead pan face).
I feel disgusted. AIBU to want to walk away considering he's now had a go at me for questioning him about his comments

Yes, great post. He is NEVER genuinely going to look at the evidence and go "ohhh yes, you are right.".
Even if he plays Mr Nice Guy, he will just be biding his time.

I don't understand, if the Emails and FB messages were sent to you and you only from the ex gf how did he even know? if he was looking at your personal emails that is very controlling and you should have dumped him for that.

Crikey! No, throw this one back.

He’s likely dangerous and is, at the very least, incredibly cruel to make ‘joke’ threats when he knows you were a victim of DV.

Get away asap. 💐

Clare's Law as a minimum.

Leave asap as the preferred option.

Yes I think u should meet her today

OP take a deep breath, you're doing well, you're thinking this through and seeing the implications. Having observed my mother go from one abusive partner to the next, because somehow having been abused once 'marks' you and some men sniff you at as someone who can be bashed into shape - LTB.

As for the PTSD, can you get some EMDR? I've heard good things about it. All the best.

The irony that he got so angry and abusive after the question of if he could ever be abusive. Your daughters have a right not to be in a house with someone who takes their bad work days out on others.

Yes meet the woman, but I would call Women’s Aid to ask for advice on how to get out safely. (You may need to do this even more urgently if he finds out.)

Walk away…. He’s got it in him

I would actually just walk. He doesn't sound pleasant at all, you have had many arguments started by him, he doesn't take responsibility for his role, you've got kids to think of now this.

He knows you've got a history of DV and he engineered a conversation about hitting you for no good reason. He could have said 'sorry for being so grouchy lately. Work has been tough'. He's tactless and not very bright at best.

Have confidence in your own convictions, you don't need to meet the ex to make a decision. Base that on your own relationship.

So count yourself lucky you haven't found yourself in OPs situation then. Just because she has posted on MN doesn't make her 'weak or impractical' which is what you are implying. You sound nasty and judgmental. Abuse is never the victim's fault. It makes people doubt their reality and more likely to need support from others--that's nothing to be ashamed of. The Ex is not a 'random person' by any stretch and might be able to warn and help the OP. You have a very twisted view on this and clearly shouldn't be giving an opinion when you don't have a similar experience.

Aw, get away from him. Plenty of nice men out there who don't believe in using violence, even if struck first. His attitude is vile and justifies aggression.

Get rid of this man.

Never in 15 years has my DH come up with scenarios in which he'd feel justified to punch me. Not even as a joke.

No he's justifying his reasons why he might
He wasn't joking
I'd advise you to end it and concentrate on healing from your PTSD
I'm sorry, no one deserves that

Definitely meet with his ex I'm guessing she wants to warn you.
You've now experienced what she likely did
I had this with an ex messaged me, stupidly I thought he'd be different with me... He wasn't. He broke my shoulder

🤔

I would meet the ex, and Clares Law as well but meeting the ex will get you some answers sooner I think.

Echo the others, do not EVER let him find out about this meeting.

Get out asap.

Yes leave him, he's scum

Dear OP, others have probably said this but it's worth repeating. If your DP knows your history then the only thing he should have answered to your question about whether he would ever raise his hands to you is reassuring you with love that he would not. Anything else is insufficient and you deserve better. You deserve to feel safe and secure and know with 100% certainty that your partner would never hit you.

Run. He’s just told you that if he wanted to, he’d punch you. Even if you slapped him first, his own strength / size and military training mean he could find various ways to stop you without using them excessive male force of having to ‘punch you back, harder’.

I echo other comments that I’d also meet up with the ex. It’s easy for him to label her a psycho and block her to avoid having to deal with her. However, you’ll be the judge of that. I think it’s interesting that she’s only contacted you, not him (from what I understand?) That’s not an obsessive ex trying to get back with him. That’s a woman with a message for you alone. If you meet her and she warns you about him, you’ll be glad that she cared enough to protect another woman. And of course, don’t tell him.

I also have ptsd from a violent ex etc etc etc. You need to not be with this person.

Meet ex by all means but regardless of what she says you need to leave this man now!
He is showing you who he is, you don't need confirmation. You have to protect your girls and yourself.

To get a clearer perspective just imagine yourself behaving how he does and ask yourself if you’d behave like that.

Also, be careful leaving. He sounds aggressive and often men become more aggressive once they know you’re leaving and they have nothing left to lose.

This man, in his own words, is a bastard to you. Yet you think you need to meet his ex to get more info before you decide if you should end this relationship? Why? Do you think just because he doesn't hit you it means he's a good guy? He's very clearly not, and it's scary that you don't see that. You have children. You have a responsibility to not bring bastards into their lives.

Get rid.