To ask him to clarify he won't hit me!?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I've had a physically violent ex in the past. I've blanked out a lot of the things he did to me. I vaguely remember the police having to help me escape. It was a horrible time. I was very open about this past relationship with my current partner. It was 5 years ago. I still have some PTSD. I'm working on it. However my current partner decided to make a joke about hitting me. Well about 'punching me'. I didn't find it funny at all but I felt in the moment I have the right to just clarify whether he felt it was okay to hit a woman. Then he got incredibly angry with me. Starting shouting and swearing saying I was insinuating he would beat me?!? From
Me simply asking him to clarify his comment wasn't real? Context below;

In the sitting room. He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work) he said 'I'm surprised you haven't slapped me'. I then said 'it's never even crossed my mind, I've never slapped anyone' he then responded with 'well if you decided to then I'd probably have a reflex response and punch you back'..........
I then said, 'you wouldn't actually punch a woman would you?' (He's been in the army, he knows his strength) he then says 'well it depends, if you slap me, I'll punch you back, or like if we are playing slaps and you slap my face I'll slap you harder'. (During this entire interaction he's not smiling or laughing, dead pan face).
I feel disgusted. AIBU to want to walk away considering he's now had a go at me for questioning him about his comments

I have been with my husband for 29y years and have never posted on a message board for advice. I have really high standards of the behaviour I expect from a partner and am married to a thoroughly decent man.

Having a low bar does not mean you are ‘strong and practical’.

You have gone from one abusive relationship to another.

He was priming you so when he shoves/barges you out of the way he can say "you did it to me three weeks ago so you have to forgive me" even if you didn't. He will say him throwing stuff at the wall in anger is the same as you dropping that mug last month. He is starting to blur the lines, he is putting the confusion in your mind, he is making you walk on eggshells. It is starting.

Get rid, no man is worth this. Go meet his ex for a coffee.

People like you make it very hard not to derail a delicate thread.

Do not, ever, equate strength with being a victim or survivor of domestic violence.

I can see what you’re saying, and maybe, just maybe, it would be an acceptable comment in certain situations. But it’s not right for OP. She has PTSD due to former abuse, and her partner knows that. He should be avoiding saying things like that at all costs, and if he isn’t, then he’s not the man for her.

OP - please have somewhere to go tonight with your children and important documents / treasures.

I would be concerned about how this man will respond if he finds out you’ve met with his ex.

“you went behind my back” “you’ve betrayed me” “you’re looking for a fight” “you’re ganging up on me” “you started it…”

I agree with this. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and years. There was physical intimidation but never anything more but I think that’s because I was always doing as I was told. The one time I didn’t, after being together for over a decade, I got hit.

Imagine him having a similar conversation with your daughters to keep them in line?
Even if this is all there is to it and there is nothing more.... It's already too much.

But this isn't a throwaway comment from a decent, caring guy who momentarily failed to engage his brain.

He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work)

At the very best, this is a bad-tempered, angry man who lashes out at his partner when the world isn't going his way. At worst, he is an abuser who is ramping up his abuse. Either way, the OP shouldn't be expected to put up with it, and should be supported to put herself and her daughters first.

My abusive ex used to frame it as me not taking a joke too.

Like you I went from one abusive relationship to another and was a few months/years in each time before I realised as they never start off like that. In fact they love bomb so it looks like they are amazing compared to your ex. My advice is don't be upfront about your history in the future until you are a few months in- I think mentioning you have been abused puts a big target in your head as an easy victim. Once I waited to share this I found a partner who was not at all abusive

If you haven't already you should do woman's aid freedom program. Most helpful thing I ever did.

Talk to the ex if you want but regardless of what she says you need to get out of the relationship. As others have said leave before he knows you are leaving for your safety

He is already abusive as he takes his mood out on you albeit currently verbally, he has also indicated he would always retaliate and harder that isn't appropriate even if you did slap him

Stay safe and trust your instincts. You know what he’s saying that there is something not right

OP, you are focusing on the wrong thing.

Even if your partner has never hit a woman in his life, he is STILL a nasty piece of work. He’s a bully who verbally abuses you and shouts at you and then blames you for being hurt by the nasty things he says. Not all abuse is physical. Even if he promised never to hit you, that doesn’t mean he’d be a nice man. You must understand that you should be setting the bar a lot higher than “doesn’t hit me”, surely?

Please leave this man. He’s horrible and he’s treating you like shit.

You are co-dependent. You are gone off to the ex girlfriend to talk about the man.
Rather than leave the man who is already verbally abusive to you.

High maintenance men attract women who have learned to put their own needs aside.

These men know that either lovebombing you or picking a fight gets 'control' of you. By doing that, your lamp of attention gets swivelled away from you and your feelings, your interests, your life, talk of your family and friends and your enjoyment, onto them.

They try to train you to have a single interest when you are around them, and that interest is them and their well-being.
Lovebombing falsely makes you think it's all about you, but it's part of the training you are receiving to have your mind filled with him, and him alone.

Ultimately once picking fights loses its power because the dose isn't working, then hitting someone really, really gets the other person's attention.

Women think they can 'control' men by carefully managing, monitoring and analysing, explaining away and excusing and tolerating the man's difficult emotions and their difficult behavior.
That's co-dependance.
Because the man becomes a project to manage and that keeps the woman from tackling her own emotions.

Unfortunately women are socialised like this, as rescuers, soothers and receptacles of men's emotional parts, and we often learn codependence from our own upbringings.

Maybe have a think about why you're always in the minority?

The OP needs to get away.

The relationship sounds dreadful anyway, let alone with the threat of violence overhanging her.

I have been in an abusive relationship,a previous marriage,and I would have been very frightened by that interaction. He's not the man for you,in fact he's not the man for anyone. You deserve much much better.

This is a bloody brilliant post and I wish I knew all of this sooner

It would be very wise to have that conversation with his ex. I think you know why she tried repeatedly to reach out and this has brought you to a place where you're ready to investigate.

'She's crazy, she's a psycho' is a very familiar tactic abusive men will use about women who stand up to them, or who know things about them that might get out. Damage limitation.

It seems you haven't fully processed what your abusive ex did to you and may have gone into this relationship with someone similar. Familiarity can seem comfortable, even when it's toxic.

I think you said he was in the military? I wonder what he might have experienced or done? And why he might have chosen to get into a relationship with a vulnerable woman who'd already been subdued by an abuser?

Have a civilised coffee and a chat with her. Put aside any suspicion she may be trying to stir it, ask the important questions and listen to the answers and compare to your own experiences.

You don't need to meet his ex to realise you need to be away from this man. I hope you find the strength to do so.

This.

Too many red flags there.

Please don’t do this. Don’t try and belittle victims of domestic violence by implying that they’re in that situation because they’re weak or impractical. I hope it wasn’t intentional and it was just really clumsily worded, because otherwise that would be a really shitty thing to say. Can you imagine what it would feel like to be a woman who is already doubting everything she’s thinking? She reads your post and comes away thinking that she’s in her position because she’s not strong or practical. How is that not going to make her feel worse?

It’s very easy to brush something off as a joke when you’ve got 30 years of knowing that your partner isn’t ever going to raise his hand to you or isn’t going to try and frighten you or manipulate you into thinking you’re going insane. You wouldn’t take offence if your partner said it because you know that there is no intent behind it. That’s not necessarily the situation here. You aren’t better than the OP because you’ve had the experience of knowing that you’re safe and in an equal partnership. You’re just lucky. You’re lucky that there were either no red flags or that your life experiences taught you to recognise them and have the self esteem to walk away. So you grow your own flowers 🙄 and enjoy them. But don’t try and piss on anyone else’s metaphorical flowerbed.

The fact that you're even having a conversation like that means it's time to go.

Any normal man would understand what a sensitive subject this is for you and would jump to apologise for the insensitive “joke” and would do anything to reassure you that you’re safe with him.

No, just a strong, practical person who doesn’t take offence or read more into anything than there needs to be. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been in a stable relationship for nearly 30 years knowing we are equals. Never had to post on MM or any other forum for relationship advice etc. Mo need to send me flowers - I can grow my own

And this helps the OP how?

He's bad news. Most men would never ever hit a woman no matter what, and that's what you need to hear OP.
Not that there's any reason you should hit him first but he's made it obvious he'd not only hit you back but would do it harder. Nasty man.

Aside from him being a really nasty person - "He talks about how he's been a bastard to me recently (he has, very angry and bitchy because he's tired from work)" this struck me.

There's a difference between being a bit short tempered and snappy and treating other people badly just because work is a bit tough. He's angry and bitching at you because he's tired? You are not his punchbag.