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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

260 replies

Permanentlydazedandconfused · 31/05/2024 11:38

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

OP posts:
Original poster
Permanentlydazedandconfused · 31/05/2024 11:39

Forgot to add also to make him feel more at ease…I should be sharing my location with him!

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 31/05/2024 11:40

Run run as fast as you can !!!

every innocent message will be turned against you… no thanks unless he had a gold dick run for the hills

IamSmarticus · 31/05/2024 11:40

Absolutely not - if he isn't already an ex, then you need to make him one ASAP.

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2024 11:41

Don't get back with him

Lazyladydaisy · 31/05/2024 11:41

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't trust you? This will only get worse. Soon you'll have given up everything about yourself to make him feel better.
Run and do not look back!

Sue152 · 31/05/2024 11:42

He sounds very controlling, I think you should run a mile. If he had caught you cheating and you wanted to rebuild trust it would be different. Tell him to go to a counsellor himself as he has major trust issues so he is in a better place for his next relationship.

purplecorkheart · 31/05/2024 11:42

Run and never look back!!!

It will only get worse.

ConflictedCheetah · 31/05/2024 11:42

Nope. Hard pass.
He either trusts you or he doesn't. I wouldn't be handing over my phone for 'checks' and definitely wouldn't be sharing location.

Leave him permanently.

Theunamedcat · 31/05/2024 11:43

And will he return the favour? Or is it just you?

I would run block and not look back

Cantalever · 31/05/2024 11:43

YANBU, he is. As he has issues with trust and jealousy, the way to deal with them is for him to take responsibility by getting counselling or other help. The answer is NOT for you to enable him, particularly to your own detriment. He needs to accept he has a problem, then deal with it, not put it on you.

Elderflower14 · 31/05/2024 11:43

I would be telling him to f off to the far side of beyond and when he gets there to f off a little further!!

Panpastels · 31/05/2024 11:44

No way!
Me and my husband share location via find my iPhone (it can be handy if he needs to pick me up from somewhere or I need an idea if he's on his way home etc) but hanging my phone over? Nah. It's his issue not yours.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 31/05/2024 11:44

Please don't return to him. This has disaster written all over it. He's controlling and won't change. No counsellor worth their salt would go along with this.

JudgeJ · 31/05/2024 11:44

Permanentlydazedandconfused · 31/05/2024 11:38

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

Some interesting answers, considering that it's considered OK for a woman to 'accidentally' check her partner's phone!

TraitorsGate · 31/05/2024 11:44

He really thinks a therapist would tell him it's OK, he's bonkers. Say goodbye and never look back.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItHaveAGin · 31/05/2024 11:44

This is controlling, he will push you to do this, and it still won't be enough, he will need more. I'll bet my life he would say "you know I'm checking your phone so probably delete things so I need your passwords to everything".

You're much better cutting your losses and walking away. This will only get worse.

yellowsmileyface · 31/05/2024 11:45

Nope nope nope.

When you're involved with a man who's convinced you're cheating, there's nothing you can do to convince them otherwise. They'll never believe you're being faithful, they'll only believe they haven't found their proof yet.

Looking through a partner's phone or tracking their location is no substitute for genuine trust. It is simply not healthy to be doing these things in a relationship and no counsellor would back him up on that.

I'd be dubious that any of his exes cheated on him btw. Men like this always justify it by claiming all their exes cheated, and when he moves on to the next victim woman he'll claim you cheated on him too.

CheekyHobson · 31/05/2024 11:45

You could go to a counselor so that he can learn that a counselor will absolutely not tell you to hand over your phone whenever he wants it, but better yet, just stick to your first instinct that’s he’s being unreasonable and controlling.

rainbowsparkle28 · 31/05/2024 11:45

Forget sorting out your problems, why on earth are you considering re-entering into this?! It is controlling behaviour and you deserve better than a life with someone like that.

TigerRag · 31/05/2024 11:47

He should get counselling given how insecure he clearly is

littlegrebe · 31/05/2024 11:50

If you were going to cheat and you knew he was regularly checking your phone, you'd get a second phone for cheating purposes. It won't take him long to work that out - so then what will he ask you for? Will he be searching your underwear drawer and under the seats in your car for your other phone? Or will he just skip straight to you not being allowed out without him?

If he's been cheated on in the past enough that he thinks you're going to do it too, HE needs to go to a counsellor and find some coping strategies. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, feeding his anxiety with constant reassurance is not going to do him any favours - it's a bit like someone with health anxiety going to the GP every time they sneeze, it doesn't help and it's not right to expect the world to adjust itself around him.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 31/05/2024 11:50

Trust issues? In other words he is a massively controlling arsehole. Run a mile, OP. Nothing about what he's demanding is reasonable in any way whatsoever. Out of interest, how would he feel about you wanting access to his phone and location at all times?

Member984815 · 31/05/2024 11:52

Relationships are built on trust, this is not a good relationship. Where will the control stop? Is he giving you access to his socials and phone and location too? Run and don't look back

wizarddry · 31/05/2024 11:53

This is very much a him problem and I'm concerned you are even questioning it

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 31/05/2024 11:58

Massive red flag. What will he demand next? Je needs to see a counsellor about HIS issues. A counsellor will tell him that checking your phone is unacceptable. You are entitled to your privacy. This sounds like a control issue.
leave now while you can and so not go back. It is all down hill from here.

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